Ten Ways to Challenge Your Natural Mother in Reunion

1. Tell her that your adoptive parents don’t appreciate her existence. (This may startle her at first and then hurt. They certainly appreciated her existence when they raided her womb. She may wonder what changed but really, she will get over it. All “birth”moms get over it.)

2. Tell her that you are just answering her emails out of obligation and you are doing her a favor. It’s likely no one has done her and her family a favor since she was sent away to give birth to you alone (the nuns surrounding her don’t count). Since words are sometimes misconstrued, when you are clearly being rude, say that "and this is meant to be rude and hurtful to you".

3. Tell her that nature/nurture is nothing. Assure her, repeatedly, that nothing she has or does is in any way reflected in you. She was just your breeder.  Her deed is done. Genetics is a crutch for the person who lacks an ability to be a unique individual.

4. Tell her she is needy and obsessive and it’s a bit too late for that. She should have needed you when she was 15 and doing you a favor by giving you a better life than she thought she could. Better yet, tell her she should have fought those drugs they gave her to sedate her when they took you from her. Come on. Surely, she was stronger than that? And tell her to save the tying in restraints sob story for someone else.

5. Tell her you really would prefer she not send you any gifts. The less you have of her around you the better. If she continues to send, invest in a big fat ol’ RETURN TO SENDER stamp. You can get one at your local office supply store.

6. Imply to her, subtly, repeatedly, through thinly disguised contempt, that you think she is a moronic boob. (After all, only village idiots give away their children) Repeatedly tell her to get a grip of herself and calm down even when she is not upset. She doubts herself as it is. You can really help her along by making your issues her issues. This is sure to send her over the edge she has been teetering on for years. Then you will really be rid of her.

7. Ask her how much she received in payment for the sale of you. When she says she got nothing, don’t believe her. Insist that your adoptive sibling cost 20K and you want to know how much you were worth. Did she buy a car with the money the agency gave her? Maybe take a vacation?

8. Tell her there is no such thing as primal wound, adoption trauma or the like. Tell her it’s all in her head and she a bit unstable and you were likely much better off without her after all.

9. Don’t answer her emails, or her phone calls, or letters for months or years. When she finally explodes with anxiety thinking you may be dead or something, explode back. Make your denial and avoidance of her into her issue. Refer to #6.

10. While doing all of the above, ask her to hang around while you grow up and decide if you want her in your life or not.

– source: a number of moms i know (including myself)

14 Thoughts.

  1. My list:
    1) Get involved in an online group that blames everything wrong in their lives on adoption. Jump on the bandwagon and thrive on the “support”
    2) Talk about adoption obsessively.
    3) Flat out tell her she is responsible for everything bad in your life.
    4) Complain about her in a vague way to your online friends (because there is nothing real to complain about) but never mention anything good.
    5) Lie about her, then be upset when shes mean and gets angry about it.
    6) Point out every little imperfection she has. Laugh at her and mock her. Make it sound like a joke. Shes too stupid to realise you mean it.
    7) Interrupt her every time she speaks. Don’t let her finish a thought. Its all about you. That’s what shes here for, to make up for what she did to you.
    8) Call her or email her to let her know what she did that upset you the day before. It doesn’t have to be a valid complaint. If you’re upset, that’s reason enough.
    9) Make sure she knows that she is a disappointment to you. You don’t need a reason. Youre the victim here and you deserve to have her be whomever you want her to be, when you want her to be it.
    10) Even though she rarely has an unkind word, misunderstand everything she says and take it as an attack. When she defends herself, take that as an attack too. That gives you the right to say anything to her that you want, after all, you’re upset.

  2. Anon – I am assuming you are a mom in reunion. I am sorry for your challenges if these things happened to you or are now. I understand. Hugs.

  3. Yes, I loathe those adoptees who blame everything in their lives on adoption. And anyone knows that adoptees who deal with, or talk about being given away by the mothers for the purpose of healing another couples fertility problems should just suck it up like real kids would if they were in that situation.
    There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE between talking about something and blaming everything in their life on it.
    But you know I have even seen natural mothers, one in particular sticks out in my mind writing very mean things about their adoptee on their blogs, one said her “birthdaughter” because apparently the mother had demoted her to birthdaughter, was annoying and obnoxious on her blog, sadly the daughter found it. So it is not peculiar to the adoptee to be cruel about their relations on line.

  4. Joy – Completely agree with you. Of course natural moms would behave the same way as adoptees. Anger and trauma is felt by all torched by adoption. Don’t know the parties you speak of, I tend not to get into triangles and into other peoples business but it sounds like it was quite hurtful to the mother and child both. Sad when mother and child cannot get past the pain of what a failed system did to them both and they continue punishing each other.

  5. If only my son were that consistent! (Kidding…) One minute I’m the best thing since sliced bread and the next I’m the monster from the black lagoon.

  6. I haven’t said these things but I know I’ve sad things that have been hurtful. I admit that in years past, I have tested Mom C on purpose to see if she would leave me again. She did. For three years. I was the one that said I was sorry. But you remember all that. Thanks for your years of unwavering support. Love, R

  7. I stumbled across a blog in a search that 100% plagiarized this entire entry and one of the comments. I don’t know what your policy is about this, but I thought you might want to know.

    I won’t add to the disrespect by publicly posting the woman’s personal blog address, but if you would like further information, please e-mail me privately! I would have sent a private email to you as well, but since it included one of the comments in full, it seemed better to post as a comment. Feel free to delete if this isn’t the appropriate place to address this.

    • JoEllen – Feel free to write me privately. I have seen it used one other place but the author properly credited me.
      You will also note I apply this license to my work. Details of what that allows at the link. But yeah, I am curious. Drop me a line. Emal address up right under my photo. Tx.

  8. I wish I had a “birthmom” or whatever you want to call it who gave a damn. I wish it had been someone like Suz, someone with an (apparent) heart. Adoption hurts from both sides. I can’t get my head around a “mother” who won’t talk to her only child in the world. It’s doubly mysterious to contemplate an adopted kid who can’t spare 5 minutes now and then to send a friendly email to the mother who was forced to give her away.

  9. Gosh those 10 suggestions about how to treat your mother or so heartbreaking. Reunion was so incredibly difficult for me emotionally, I don’t know what I would have done if my daughter wasnt her incredibly loving steadfast self. She just dug in and let me be a blubbering blob of protoplasm for a long long time. The ten ways you are describing, the hurtfulness, the indifference, the uppity coldness, is so undeserved. I just don’t know how a person doesn’t walk away from that kind of cruelty. I would never have been able to face that type of treatment. I was too destroyed by the initial experience to allow myself to be chopped up that way.
    Also my daughter reached out to me. I rejected her. I rejected the social worker who called. I couldn’t face it and want to stay alive. And it was nine long cold fearful years before she -my daughter -found the courage to call me herself. That changed my life. My heart breaks for any woman who is treated as those rules describe. I think that is the ultimate injustice. They were sure insightful tho thank you for your post as always

  10. Thank you for posting this! I thought I was the only one treated this way by my son! All I have ever heard are the adoption-reunion honeymoon stories. My son verbally and emotionally abused me for four years until I finally “listened” to his last blow up in my face in which he (again) said, “Get the H…out of my life, I never want to see you again.” Along with a lot of other explosive expletives. Anonmouse list above in the comments is my list verbatim! As is much of your list. My son would verbally attack me and then apologize later. Ironically (or sickly) we were operating a non-profit “christian” organization devoted to “educating people about adoption.” (Because for I while I did what he and his AMom wanted me to do as I felt so guilty for giving him up.) He gets up and speaks to pro-life groups about how adoption is wonderful etc…One night before a joint speaking engagement he verbally assaulted me again, tells me he hates being adopted and he hates me…etc. Arrogant, abusive hypocrite. And yet he is my son. We reunited when he was 21…He turns 30 next month. My heart is broken again, because I had to give him up again. (and I quit the non-profit) I couldn’t allow him to treat me that way anymore. He would also threaten suicide and blame it on me if he was to carry it out. I am so thankful for this website. I have been up all night reading it. So much in common…I wanted the beautiful reunion and the grandchildren. Not this heartbreak…again

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