Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Spouses/SO’s

Continuing from the previous thread on Collateral Damage and the impact to first family, today I want to chat about spouses and significant others.


Some thoughts and questions for consideration:

Forming Relationships – How has surrendering your child(ren) to adoption impacted (or not) your ability form healthy marital or loving relationships?

Honesty in Relationships – Have you told your spouse or partner about your spouse or partner about your child? If so, did you tell them early in your relatinoships or later? How did you go about telling them? What was their response?

Pre Surrender Counseling – Were you counseled pre-birth about the possible impact surrender would have on your future romantic relationships? Were you told to keep your experience a secret?

Extended Family – How does your spouse/partner feel about your experience? Do they share with their friends or family or is it a secret kept between the two of you?

Other – Anything else you wish to share about your marriage/partnershps and how adoption and/or reunion may have impacted it?

Thank you for your consideration.

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Siblings

Let us chat first family collateral damage, shall we?

Over the coming days I will post a variety of topics. I would love first mother / first father commentary. Feel free to share with friends as well. If you wish to comment but do not want it public, feel free to email me at bluestokking at gmail dot com.

This is purely for informational and sharing purposes. I am presenting at AAC in a few weeks along with other first mothers and the spouse of a first mother. Our session is titled Mitigating and Managing Collateral Damage: Impact of Adoption on 1st Family.  While I have spoken or emailed with a few of you, I would love to hear from more that might be willing to share. Your commentary will inform my presentation. Your names/emails will not be used in any way. It is purely for additional insight for me to help make our presentation more impactful.


Some thoughts and questions for consideration:

Pre Birth Counseling – Prior to surrendering your child to adoption, did any counseling (informed consent) you received cover the impact of adoption on your other children – either those you had at the time or those you parented post surrender?

Reunion Relationships – If you are in reunion and you have parented children, do they have a relationship with your child? If not, why not? Does this vary depending on the gender of the children? If they do have a relationship, how has it gone?

Your Relationship with Parented Children – How has reunion impacted your relationship with your parented children? Were they aware of your surrendered child prior to reunion or did they find out when reunion happened?

Your Parenting Style – How has surrendering your child to adoption impacted the way you parented your subsequent children?

Other –  Anything else you wish to share regarding the impact adoption and/or adoption reunion had on your parented children?

Thank you for your consideration.

Feel This

Yet another great read on dealing with grief, this time from Megan Devine.

How can you make them understand? The challenge of translating grief.

Can you imagine a world where we could get others, friends, family members, adoptive parents both current and prospective, to FEEL the grief we feel every minute of the day? Would it change anything for us? For them?

If we could Powder-like transfer the life long grief felt by mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption to prospective adopters, would they still adopt? Maybe so.

If we could transfer the agony some adoptees feel to prospective adopters, would they feel so fabulous about taking that child from his or her family of origin and re-branding it as their own?

Read Megan’s article at her blog.