This past week has been a strange one for me. A number of incidents occurred that I can only chalk up to the universe giving me yet another good old adoption bonk on the head. Consider the following.
I Heard Her Voice
My daughter posted not one, but two, YouTube videos to her public twitter feed. Naturally I listened and within a matter of moments was in tears. She was acting silly with coworkers. I heard her voice clearly, saw her mannerisms, how she sounds and moves her body. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. Overall? Bittersweet. I appreciated the opportunity to hear and see her but oh, my, did it send me spiraling backwards for a few days.
(This is the moment where the adoption trolls usually come out and tell me I am violating my daughtersâ€™ privacy by watching her twitter feed. I disagree. If she puts it public for the entire world to see, I have free reign to watch it as well, so go away, trolls).
P.S. She has a really nice voice.
P.P.S.I HEARD MY DAUGHTERS VOICE!
If He Had Married Me
I left my employer of eight years two weeks ago. I started at a new employer, doing similar work but in a completely new industry. Imagine my surprise on the second day when I hear the receptionist page Suzan [Birthfathers Last Name].
Yes, I now work with someone named the exact same name I would have had if my daughters father chose to marry me in 1985 instead of, well, not marrying me.
Well Meaning Friends
My 30 year high school reunion is coming up this weekend. The invite went out via Facebook and there was an associated group. This means I can now see names/profiles of former high school classmates and they can see me even if we are not Facebook friends. I perused the list and also the ticket sale site to see who was going. I was pleased to learn a friend (now a resident of Florida) will be in attendance. Seeing her name on the reunion page reminded me of what must have been our 20 year reunion. I found my daughter just before that reunion and I had a line put in the reunion program directed to that friend. It simply said friendâ€™s name, followed by I FOUND HER! I was so excited back then. I was so hopeful, so happy, so wanting to share my daughter with the world that had denied her. I knew friend would understand the message. She did. In fact, the instant she read it she sought me out and we hugged and cried.
Ten years later and I am pretty much in the same place. I found her â€“ thatâ€™s about it.
(I am still going to hug that friend this coming weekend when I see her. )
Uncertain on Meaning Friends
Earlier today, one of those reunion â€œfriendsâ€ took it up themselves to send me a link to my daughtersâ€™ fathersâ€™ Facebook page. The message said â€œdid you know he was on Facebook?â€.
Ugh. Jesus H. No. Why would I?
Why was friend looking (birthfather did not go to my high school and is not going to our reunion) and why did friend feel it necessary to share with me?
I responded and stated â€œNo, I did not knowâ€. I had nothing more to say. To me it felt vaguely like rubbing a dogâ€™s nose in their own accident. It felt callous and mean.
But perhaps I am overly sensitive.
(Yes, I looked at his profile. â€˜Nuff said.)