AFF: Sort Of

Its adoption free Friday for me and while this post is slightly tinged with adoption it is not my intent. Below song is our song. By our song I mean my song with my fiance. It is the ring tone on my phone when he calls me. It is a song we danced to in our kitchen right after we moved into our house last year. It is a song that touches me deeply and moves me to tears.  Sadly (or not), my relationship with my darling Rich is the first one where I truly felt supported, loved and stood by.

Silly example that I doubt Rich is even aware of.

Last year, around this time, we were beginning to make preparations to buy a home together.  We had given notice to our individuals landlords. My lease was month to month that required only 30 days notice of intent to vacate.  Rich’s landlord required sixty days.

While the sixty days had been provided, the closer he got to move out the nastier his landlord became. Long long story short we ended up taking the landlord to court for return of security deposit monies.  (We won).  Prior to the court action we attempted to resolve the matter with the landlord.

Rich and I visited the landlord. I had a camera. Due to events that lead up to the day, I was prepared to photograph the condition we left the apartment in. Landlord was startled by this but permitted it.  After taking photos, Rich attempted to settle the issues.  Landlord statements were nonsensical and circular. All attempts to make sense of the situation, to get the landlord to state his desires and clear objections failed. At one point in the conversation, I piped up and asked landlord if he understood the law (he clearly didn’t) and had he ever rented before.  At this statement from me, Landlord lunged at me in anger. I have no idea what he was going to do but his rapid angry movement startled me enough to back up.  It also surprised Rich for in that moment in time, he lurched forward and uttered something like “Hey now..” in an attempt to get between me and the Landlord. I was deeply touched.


He stood up for me, put himself in the line of fire, attempted to protect me.

Up to that point in my life, no one had ever done that, under any circumstances.  Not my parents, siblings, daughters father, ex husband. I always felt like it was me against the world and no one had my back.  I had never felt that someone was on my side, had my interests and safety in mind.  Rich’s lunging between me and the enraged landlord did more than protect me in that current situation. It healed a wounded part of my heart…and I fell even more deeply in love with him. The man would literally go to battle for me.

So yeah, he stands by me and I stand by him. Love you babe and I love our song.


Cancer and Adoption

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.  ~C.C. Scott

Stumbled onto this post on Birth Mother First Mother. (I am still brewing my thoughts on that previous post, btw).

When you have a family history of breast cancer, take this test. Or, Do not pass Go, Go directly to jail.

Made me feel all sorts of confused and stuff inside. See, about a month ago I had a cancer scare. I did not write about it here. I did not really tell anyone except my fiance. Although I did spend alot of time debating if I should tell my daughter, how I would tell her, etc. if it was positive.

How messed up is that? How many women facing the prospect of cancer, OR being told they tested positive for cancer, have to debate if they have permission to tell their own child? Particularly if that child might also be at risk in the future?

I hate what adoption does to the most primal relationships.

It is an awful situation to be in to think about having cancer and deciding if you are permitted to tell your own child. Pretty shitty, this adoption stuff we live with it.

It was negative but I am at a high risk for the future. I have significant colon cancer on BOTH sides of my family.  I will be checked more frequently.

But yeah, go read that post on BMFM.  Clearly I am still jumbled up about the cancer stuff and dont know what to say.

And it IS supposed to be adoption free friday.