Actually, for people who habitually end up with the people who make them feel like dirt, it’s not bad advice. Somebody who is good for you doesn’t make you feel stupid and worthless; for those latched on to that oh-so-scintillating someone who’s actually neurotic and narcissistic, they may need to be reminded that the problem is not *them*.
Understand how it sounds selfish, though. You probably have a good relationship. Hafta be there.
Jess – Huh? I had to read your comment several times and I still dont understand what you mean. But yeah, I have a fabulous relationship after a lifetime of less than so. So for me, it is indeed applicable and inspiring and refreshing and motivating and a good reminder.
ETA: For anyone struggling with a narcissist in relationship. I recommend The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists. I found it very enlightening at a certain time in my life.
What I meant was, if you haven’t been in one of those relationships (and your current relationship sounds good), the advice sounds unbelievably selfish. But for someone who is living with one of these types, being reminded that people who are good for you don’t make you feel stupid and worthless is a major wake-up call. Often the thing that finally works.
I suspected that is what you might be suggesting. I have more to say on this as it speaks to a larger issue that I believe many females struggle with (I know I did) and that is that relationship is all about giving and making the other person feel better at any cost and tolerating whatever happens and that you can fix broken people and and and. I learned the contrary via very painful experiences as such the statement, the test any relationship, turned things on their head for me. Made me look at things a completely different way and when I did, my relationships changed. Change had to start with me. But more in another post.
I’m lucky to be married to a warm, wonderful, loving guy. He sounds a lot like your Rich! Anyway, many years ago I used to say to him, “I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I’m with you.” The wordless post reminds me of this saying.
Hah when I first read this I thought, “well that’s not a very nice thing to say”, wanting to be friends with someone because you’re smarter and more confident than they are. But, in the reread for sure that’s good advice. My first husband definitely had a way of making me actually function less competently by being impatient and hyper critical. Simple things like being the one to unlock the door could end up being a fumbling act because of the pressure.
I think of it to this day when I unlock a door at home now. Take all the time you want, oh yeah!
Very good post….so my relationship with my daughter is certainly not a keeper…eeek…what now?
Eeeps. FindingMaddy – I posted this on adoption free friday and intended it for reflection as a partner relationship (husband/wife, gf/bf, etc.) not in relation to our children. While I understand those relationships are equally complex and at times painful, I am not one to think they have the same root cause. In fact, I often wonder if they get crossed. Abusive, painful partner relationships have a way of seeping into our relationships with our children. For me, it was at times hard to separate the two types of feelings, rejections, anger, etc. Approach this sentiment with caution in relation to your daughter. Just my opinion of course.
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