adoption trauma

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Education & Careers

- Suz 2 Comments

Winding up our week of talking Collateral Damage in adoption, there are two more posts (this being one of them). Next week we will talk mitigation and management of the collateral damage.

This one relates to your career and/or education. Adoption lore suggests one of the many reasons a mother should reliniquish her child to strangers is to enable her to finish college and gain a rewarding career. The inference being that you cannot go to college or get a good job while parenting because well, parenting a child will ruin your life.

So, I ask. Did you go to college? Gain that rewarding career? Or did something else happen? Did you opt to be an at home mom?

Education and Careers Post Surrender

College – If you surrendered young (meaning before or while college age), did you end up going to college post surrender? Did you graduate? How did that work out for you?

Under College Educated vs. Over Educated – If you did not go, did the reason have anything to do with adoption? If you did go, did you pursue higher education relentlessy (as some mothers have) in an effort to well, prove something to yourself or others?

Career – Regardless of your position, do you share your adoption status with your coworkers or colleagues? Do you live in fear of being “found out” professionally? Has adoption surrender (or reunion) impacted your job in any way? Did you choose a career related to adoption or chidren?

Other – Anything related to education, career and adoption you want to share?

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Mental Health

- Suz 8 Comments

Yesterday we talked about collateral damage as it related to your extended family and the loss of your child from that family. Today I want to talk first mother mental health. Very technically, one could argue, first mother mental health is not collateral damage since it applies to the original target – the mother. I disagree. I do believe it applies. Let me explain why.

As noted, collateral damage generally applies to “unintentional deaths, injuries, or other damage inflicted incidentally on an unintended target. In military terminology, it is frequently used where non-combatants are unintentionally killed or wounded and/or non-combatant property damage results of an attack on a legitimate military target.” (Wikipedia)

Mothers are most often told that surrendering your child will be a non event in their lives. They will “get over it”. They will “move on” seemingly unscathed. This may be true for some but for many this is not at all the case. Many mothers experience secondary infertility, struggle with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation post surrender. Many, myself included, are diagnosed with PTSD struggling to “get over it” as they were told they would. For this reason, I believe mother’s mental health is collateral damage. Intentional or not, our emotional property damage results.

With that in mind, I ask you to consider your mental health post surrender.

Mental Health

Pre and Post Surrender Counseling – Did you receive counseling prior to surrender that informed you that you might suffer from long term mental health challenges? If so, what were you told might happen? How long was the counseling? Were you given recommendations and resources to follow up post surrender should you experience emotional difficulties?

Post Surrender Resources – If you attempted to find counseling post surrender, were you successful? Did you find mental health professionals to be knowledgeable in the area of adoption grief?

Non Traditional Support Resources – Outside of professional mental help, what other sources of support did you find to be helpful? Please be specific, for example, online support groups, in person support groups, books, etc.

Other – Anything else you would like to share regarding mental health?

As always, thank you for your consideration and sharing. You can comment below if you wish or email me details to bluestokking at gmail dot com.

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Extended Family

- Suz 3 Comments

Thank you to those that have been messaging me privately with your collateral damage stories.

Today’s discussion topic relates to extended family members and your relationship with them.  You can still submit your thoughts on previous topics – Siblings and Spouses/Significant Others. Comment on those posts or email me at bluestokking at gmail dot com

Extended Family

Some thoughts and questions for consideration:

Pre Surrender Counseling – Did you receive any pre surrender counseling that involved how to talk to your siblings or extended family about your experience? Did they tell you to keep it to yourself?

Your Siblings – How was your relationship with your own siblings post surrender? Did you discuss your child, their niece or nephew, that had been removed from the family? Or did you pretend nothing had happened?

Your Parents – How was your relationship with your parents both post surrender and pre/post reunion? If in reunion, how did your parents handle your child being brought back into the family? Do you feel you have an authentic relationship with your parents? Do you discuss your child or is your experience the family secret?

Parented Children Adopting – Have your parented children, aware of your experience, chosen adoption for themselves as a family building option? How did you handle that? How is your relatinship with your adopted grandchild?