When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A
mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her
child. ~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty
Its not bothering me this year. Not really in the slightest bit. The fact that I am a mother to three children but only recognized by/as mother to two. I am not stressing over my daughter and the state of our reunion. Perhaps her most recent correspondence contributed to this. Perhaps its natural growth and progression. I don’t know. I just know its markedly different this year than in years past. I assume thats good.
My youngest son made me a darling little gift at his school. Little flowers and a painted pot. It was very cute. I loved it as much as I did his big saucery brown eyes saying "Happy Mudders Day" when he gave it to me.
My oldest, wise, deep son, the one my mother calls an "old soul" also made me a card at school.
He gave it to me last night. Very proud of his work, he beamed as he told me to pick a hand that was behind his back. I picked the correct one and I got a lovely card.
Naturally, I was struck by the words. (Click the picture links to see larger versions). In case the textual part is not clear, let me type it out here for you
"Three reasons why my mom is special:
- She writes about adoption.
- She takes us out to dinner.
- She goes skating with me.
Thanks Mom. I love you."
He gets me right away with the adoption statement. Think my child thinks much about this stuff? Think for a second hasnt affected our family? This is the same child that asked me if adoption was like eBay. Also the same child that had this conversation with me just yesterday.
"Mom, if [sisters name]’s daddy had taken care of you and her, you wouldn’t have met my daddy would you?"
(Me stammering and pausing to answer..I suspect I know where he is going with this question).
"Well, that might be true. But we really don’t know, do we?", I say.
"Cuz if you kept [sister] and her daddy helped you, and you never met my daddy, then I would not be here, right?", he says.
Again, my non-answer.
"Well, we don’t really know. I might have mad more babies and they might have been you. Maybe, maybe not. We really don’t know", I say.
"Yeah, huh", he ends as he ponders the clouds in the sky over Talcott Mountain.
I am simultaneously nervous and fascinated. My deep thinking son never ceases to surprise me. Was I pondering such thoughts at 9 years old? I probably was. But DAMN. Way to make you mother speechless.
I will spend Mothers Day with my sons and think of my daughter. As always, I will think of her amom, who wouldn’t be a mom, without me. Thats always an odd feeling. To think of the women who received everything I lost. To think of the person who profited from my pain. From what I know she does her best to avoid thinking of me. Regardless, I do wish her, and all of my mom friends, a very happy mothers day.