Mother of a Day

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A
mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her
  ~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

Its not bothering me this year. Not really in the slightest bit. The fact that I am a mother to three children but only recognized by/as mother to two. I am not stressing over my daughter and the state of our reunion. Perhaps her most recent correspondence contributed to this. Perhaps its natural growth and progression. I don’t know. I just know its markedly different this year than in years past. I assume thats good.

My youngest son made me a darling little gift at his school. Little flowers and a painted pot. It was very cute. I loved it as much as I did his big saucery brown eyes saying "Happy Mudders Day" when he gave it to me.

My oldest, wise, deep son, the one my mother calls an "old soul" also made me a card at school.
He gave it to me last night. Very proud of his work, he beamed as he told me to pick a hand that was behind his back. I picked the correct one and I got a lovely card.

Naturally, I was struck by the words. (Click the picture links to see larger versions). In case the textual part is not clear, let me type it out here for you

"Three reasons why my mom is special:

  1. She writes about adoption.
  2. She takes us out to dinner.
  3. She goes skating with me.

Thanks Mom. I love you."

He gets me right away with the adoption statement. Think my child thinks much about this stuff? Think for a second hasnt affected our family?  This is the same child that asked me if adoption was like eBay. Also the same child that had this conversation with me just yesterday.

"Mom, if [sisters name]’s daddy had taken care of you and her, you wouldn’t have met my daddy would you?"

(Me stammering and pausing to answer..I suspect I know where he is going with this question).

"Well, that might be true. But we really don’t know, do we?", I say.

"Cuz if you kept [sister] and her daddy helped you, and you never met my daddy, then I would not be here, right?", he says.

Again, my non-answer.

"Well, we don’t really know. I might have mad more babies and they might have been you. Maybe, maybe not. We really don’t know", I say.

"Yeah, huh", he ends as he ponders the clouds in the sky over Talcott Mountain.

I am simultaneously nervous and fascinated. My deep thinking son never ceases to surprise me. Was I pondering such thoughts at 9 years old? I probably was. But DAMN. Way to make you mother speechless.

I will spend Mothers Day with my sons and think of my daughter. As always, I will think of her amom, who wouldn’t be a mom, without me. Thats always an odd feeling. To think of the women who received everything I lost. To think of the person who profited from my pain. From what I know she does her best to avoid thinking of me. Regardless, I do wish her, and all of my mom friends, a very happy mothers day.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Kathy
    Breaking the Silence
    By Mary Jean Marsh
    On the eve of Mothers Day, the birthmothers have gathered together. We who lost our children, gather to honor one another and to remember the hard path of this journey. To those who raise praises of our unselfishness and sing the virtues of adoption, we say,”Be still and listen”.
    We ask you to remember what was done to us in the name of what was “best”. We are the mothers for whom there was no welcome from our families or our communities. We are the mothers who were expelled from our schools and fired from our jobs. Who were sent away to strangers or distant relatives hidden from view in our parent’s house and locked up in homes for the crime of becoming mothers.
    We are the mothers who were signed into maternity homes under false names, who labored alone, who were drugged for our deliveries who were not permitted to see or hold our newborn child because our being was shameful.
    We are the mothers whose youth and poverty, whose fear and shame forced our decision, who signed papers falsely explained to us or were handed a pen within hours of our child’s birth. We are the family that was dismembered to make another family possible. We were told our children were better off with strangers and would not notice our absence. Our childless counselors and the celibate priests, and those married with children said, “Go on with your life”. “You will have other children”. And turning away they spoke only of the joy of those who received our children as though it was now the only story.
    They left us with sealed records and searing memories. We lived in silence and pain so terrible it stole our voices. We lived in silence so insufferable it has cracked under its own weight. Now we find one another, we find our children, we find ourselves. No longer will we be spoken for by those who led us to the wilderness and left us there.
    The silence breaks and slowly the world changes. If things are different now for the new mothers who join our number it is because of what the older sisters suffered and the ways it marked and haunted their lives and the lives of their children.
    Losing a child is still a wilderness, and each mother makes the journey alone.!
    Today, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, we honor this journey in one another. We reclaim our joy in the birth of our children. We honor our love and our connection to them, which ink and paper do not sever. We name ourselves Mothers.” Mothers of sons and daughters. Mothers of mothers and fathers. This day we tell our stories without shame. We honor one another and we honor ourselves, saying, “Blessed be the Birthmothers “.
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  2. Happy Mother’s Day to a mother whose wisdom I have needed to be a better person. I love you. Rebecca

  3. gulp….
    very well said, all of it. your boys are smart, so loving, and so very much your daughter’s brothers.

  4. Happy Mother’s Day, Suz. Thank you for your wisdom – I have learned more from you than you’ll ever know. I’m so glad I know you.

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