I heard from my daughter.

It has been close to two years but today I heard from my daughter.

She set a boundary.

I am not happy but I will respect it. I always promised I would. She only had to ask. I told her I would not go away until she told me to.

Now she has.

I have unfollowed her on twitter and ceased commenting on her blog. I will ask if there is an acceptable # of emails I can send since my 3 a year seem to be too much. Perhaps she will permit one. I will continue to donate in her honor for holidays and birthdays but for now, it appears, this reunion is on a permanent hiatus.

She might grow up and change her mind. She might not. This might be who my daughter is, who her parents raised.  Whether I like it or not is irrelevant. It is.  I cannot change it.

My life goes on.  And, perhaps foolishly, my heart remains open.

Not sure why this song comes to my head.  Perhaps it is indicative of the tears currently streaming down my face or perhaps the fact that  I must be strong and carry on.

And so I shall.

Tears in Heaven – Eric Claption

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I’ll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can’t stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

(instrumental)

Beyond the door
There’s peace I’m sure.
And I know there’ll be no more…
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven

46 Thoughts.

  1. Oh, wow. That’s not where I hoped this post was going, but at least she talked to you and at least she felt able to set a boundary with you. To me, those both seem like good signs. She is the person she is. I hope at some point she’ll be able to accept you as the person you are and you two will be able to interact and connect more fully. I’m just so sorry now isn’t that time, but still glad that she had the strength to tell you that, y’know? Ugh.

    • Indeed Thorn, indeed. And I intend to note that when I respond to her. I does show maturity and I am glad she has the ability to set boundaries for herself. Having had my own so horribly violated, I am pleased she has the ability to do so now. Even if it is at my expense.

  2. Hugs Suz…
    And for the record, I don’t think you’re foolish…you love with all your heart…period..
    I wish I could be there to hug you/hold you…

    AML, Rich

  3. Suz….Just saying that I am so sorry doesn’t seem to cut it, but I am so very sorry.

  4. I don’t know you, but I feel your pain through your words and my heart grieves for you. She is blessed to have a mother who leaves her heart open the way you have. Love, in its truest sense, is not based on the actions of another person–you simply love because you love. The bond is there, whether it’s acknowledged or not. Peace over you…

  5. I’ll say it again…hurray! It’s a start, Suz, and maybe she will slowly allow you more contact. Who knows why she’s backed off so much after what appeared to be a good reunion in 2005, but she’s obviously got some issues to deal with herself. I am so happy for this news and pray that she will slowly change her “rules of contact” and start to see the wonderful woman who you are. Love you!

    • Thanks Sandy. To be clear, I never considered this a good reunion. It was simply a reunion. I do consider myself luckier than most mothers who are still unaware if their child is alive or dead. I appreciate what I do have even if I dont have what I want.

      • and speaking of reunions, I look forward to seeing your beautiful face eon 11/13/2010!

  6. I’m so so sorry, Suz. I hope someday that she is able to realize what an amazing woman she’s missing out on knowing and I admire your grace and love for her, which allows you to honor wishes even when they are painful. It’s just proof of how wonderful you are, you know? I hope she sees that one day. Love to you.

  7. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, Suz. I admire you for respecting the boundaries your daughter desires at this time. Perhaps that respect will eventually lead to a change of heart on her part. I hope it does. It may be that she needs to step back right now, but things in her life may change such that she is able to step forward again. Knowing you will respect her decisions no matter what they are may encourage her to do that. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

  8. Oh Suz, I am SO sorry, my heart is broken for you. It is in no way foolish for your heart to remain open ~ a mother’s love never goes away. Even if you are only able to send one letter/email a year, at least she will know that you are still there for her, that you REALLY will not “give her up” again. Maybe this will make it easier for her to come back to you some day when she is older & wiser.

    Reunion lets us think that we will finally have our children in our lives. It’s hard to accept less than what our hearts want and need.

    Hugs to you,
    Susie

  9. Suz, I’ve read this over and over again knowing that I won’t find the right words for this comment. Because I don’t hold any words that will change this or make it easier, but I’m here and thinking of you both.

  10. I’m so sorry Suz. Speaking as an adult adoptee in reunion, I just can’t fathom not wanting my natural mom in my life now that she found me.

    You are in my thoughts tonight.
    Cricket

  11. Oh Suz, I’m so sorry.
    It does make me think, she’s wrestling with this, and that she has been thinking about you, I do think there is hope. I really do.
    I saw your post title and I got so excited for you! But alas, I will look forward for the day when it is that she wants to know you.
    Your daughter has absolutely no idea what she is missing.
    Thinking of you.
    Hugs.

  12. I cant imagine what you must be feeling right now. There are no words. Only pain. I am thinking of you and holding you in my prayers. I cant think of a bigger tragedy than her not wanting to get to know you. try to remember the primal wound. It isnt you Suz. it’s adoption.

  13. I also saw the post title and thought you were going to write something completely different.

    I’m sorry Suz. Her APs must have really pulled a number on her. I can’t think of any other reason for her actions. UGH.

  14. Suz, we don’t know each other but I am so sorry it turned out this way. You never know. We have all had to push away the people we loved at times. It may change, or not. It’s just a very difficult thing to deal with, and I agree, a mother’s heart always remains open, always. Look after yourself.

    • Osolomama – I have seen your handle around (I think on Dawn or Jenna’s blog). Thank you for your kind words. They help.

      • Forgive me for being cheesy but sometimes in adopt-o-land you happen on people. . .adoptees or first parents. . .and you think, boy, their (parent, child) hit the reunion jackpot! Who would NOT want to know that person?

        This isn’t about you.

        Just an observation.

  15. I’m truly sorry about this development. It’s clear it’s something you want very much. It’s most definitely not foolish to keep your heart open and you doing so speaks volumes. Your daughter is young and she will be ready someday. Thank you for respecting her boundaries.

  16. Hugs to you…I had hoped this blog would have had some happy reunion news. I imagine your heart is bleeding with sadness and will do so for a long time.

  17. I’m so late on this, but I just wanted to offer you love.
    I understand your sadness. I’m sorry you must endure more sadness on behalf of the adoption machine.
    *hugs*

  18. osolomama :

    Forgive me for being cheesy but sometimes in adopt-o-land you happen on people. . .adoptees or first parents. . .and you think, boy, their (parent, child) hit the reunion jackpot! Who would NOT want to know that person?

    This isn’t about you.

    Just an observation.

    Osolomama – Did you read my most recent thankful post? I agree.

    And thank you for your kind comments. They mean alot. Particularly from someone who hasn’t commented before.

  19. There isn’t much to say except that she is young. My son “found” me when he was 23 and did not pursue the connection because of loyalty to his aparents. I did not know about this until after our reunion 17 years later. Believe me, even as an adult, his amom is not making it easy for him so I can imagine what your daughter might be going through.

    It breaks my heart for you, it all about adoption.

  20. Suz, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. I feel sad for you and for your daughter. I will send positive thoughts and prayers that things will change for the better. This semi-reunion you have had with your daughter gives me hope that some day my son will want to find me. You are in my thoughts….. Cathy<3

  21. I am so in tears right now after reading this. And I don’t know how you can do anything else but remain open to something in the future should she change her mind. (((Suz)))

  22. Oh, Suz… I want to share the right words, but I don’t know them. I am so very sorry. And I don’t think it’s ever foolish to leave open your heart, no matter how much it hurts. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  23. i know hugs aren’t enough… but it’s all i’ve got… i so totally understand how you feel.. (((suz)))

  24. Dearest Suz – I am holding you in my heart.

    I pray someday, your daughter will be able to open hers. Whatever happens, though, know that *your* love is not wasted or foolish – it is the best, truest kind. I just wish so much that I could take some of the burden of sadness from you.

  25. I am really sorry to hear that your daughter felt she had to draw this line.

    But do not give up hope – protect and be kind to yourself – but do not give up hope.

    People change, they grow up, they have kids, they meet someone who is in a positive reunion, the world wakes up and starts giving them (adoptees) permission to admit they have two sets of parents without feeling guilty. Lots of things can happen.

    Here is a virtual hug from me.

  26. It doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with her. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you either. It must have been really stressfull for her to have to set such a boundary.
    I am glad you are going to respect that. I know when I set that boundary with my mother I also had to block her email. It was really difficult for me to do that and she’s really awful so it must have been really hard for your daughter to do that.

    I don’t know if us mothers writing this intense blogs about our daughters is healthy to be honest. I still feel a bit like I invaded the privacy of mine by writing so much about my feelings. I also feel bad that I told her how traumatic the whole adoption thing was for me. I really don’t think that is her problem or her responsibility.

    It’s so hard isn’t it?

    Even when they let you in their life it’s not easy. There is no easy in this. The healing journey of reclaiming power is a solo journey.

    I am still striving to let go of blame and entitlement and trying to want less.

    Sending you lots of love.

    Kim

    • Kim – I don’t think I said there is anything wrong with her. I agree with you. It isn’t me or her. It is adoption and what it does to families.

    • KimKim, I wonder that too–if my writing about my adoption experiences would upset or further distance my birth mother, although I’ve never mentioned her by name (which I wouldn’t do even if I had it, and I don’t). I thought about that for a long time before deciding to blog. I think it is healthy because so much of this has been kept bottled up for so long. People don’t want to talk about the hardships of adoption, only the warm and fuzzy side. My hope in blogging about my experiences is that it will make a difference to someone, somewhere. I know I have learned a great deal from Suz and other bloggers and I appreciate their sharing their often painful experiences. What else are we to do if we can’t talk about it?

      • This topic is discussed at length in many areas. I think of the article Stealing Neverland. In that article the author questions who owns the story of a child and suggests that blogging parents are betraying their children by blogging about their childhood so publicly. A similar suggestion is made when KimKim or others question the rightness or wrongness of blogging about adoption.

        I have thought about this at length and have determined for me as long as I am doing my best to write “I” words, meaning my feelings, my thoughts, and I am not sharing word of my daughter, etc. I am am not betraying her. Of course, she could disagree.

        I believe also the suggestion that writing about adoption experience hurts implies that NOT writing about it helps. That much I know is NOT true. Keeping it to myself, pretending it is not there, zippering my lips does not help. I do not believe much of my behavior can help my daughter. It is up to her IF she believes she has any challenges. You cannot help someone that a) doesn’t believe their is a problem and b) doesnt want the help.

        I could ramble on about this in an entire post. In short, I agree with you Triona.

  27. Oh Suz, I am so sorry- but you are right, at least she is setting a boundary. It’s something. I’m late to this too- Huge hugs, I love you so much!

  28. Oh, no. I’m so sorry this is where she’s drawn the lines right now. I admire how graciously open you remain in response. Your love for her is so apparent. I hope she is able to open herself up to it someday.

  29. Suz: Its been a long time since I read your blog. I left with the engagement and the wonderful man you met. And everything was wonderful. The title caught my eye and I said to myself, Suz found the link to her heart, her daughter is here. I am sorry when I read her boundary. Yet, after I wiped my tears away (especially the words to that song) It somehow does not seem a dead issue but one to hope and pray and as I have always said, it is closer than you imagine. Otherwise, you would not have had any communication. Could she be so afraid? I wish the best for all.

  30. Late, but deeply heartfelt thoughts heading your way, with hugs, of course. And continued hope that somewhere out there in the future is the meeting you have yearned for, which everyone here knows is the one your daughter needs, even if she doesn’t know it.

    Damn, this is all way too hard.

  31. Suz, just catching up on your blog! As a firstmom, I believe this is a boundary we all dread will be set by our children, but we are also acutely aware that this boundary can be set at any time by our kids no matter what state our reunion may be in at any given time. I have had such a hard time accepting this fact and finally put it on a sticky on my bathroom mirror;”I survived when I did not know anything of what had happened to my children, now I know they are safe, healthy, alive, and capable of making their own choices. I must accept this and live my life in love” I admire your strength and the love you have for yourself and your daughter which allows you to respect her boundaries while taking loving care of your own feelings. I don’t know you, Suz, but I stand with you and I’ve learned so much from reading your blog. Thank you. Hugs.

    • Liz – Your sticky note is pretty much my daily mantra. I did survive and I remind myself of that daily. While I am deeply saddened at her choices, I do know I will survive (for I already have) and that I must live my life to the greatest extent possible – regardless. I am glad you came to the same conclusion. Hugs to you.

  32. As an adoptee, I’m not really sure what I could say to this post. But I hope things go OK for you in the future. Adoption is a really sensitive topic for all those involved, and we all deal with it in the way/s that are most comfortable to us at the time. So I hope one day you and your daughter meet in a place that you’re both happy with…

Comments are closed.