Month: March 2009

I am back from my few days away with my three fabulous men.  It was a good break – even if taken in the city of the most traumatic event of my life.

 I thought very little about adoption, my daughter, my trauma, my younger self while I was there. As planned, my days and nights were consumed with being a cruise director for my boyfriend and my two sons. Daily events included the Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum, Sears Tower, Adler Planetarium, Ed Debevics and oh yeah, The Gatorade Incident.  Whilst at the Field Museum I learned that it is a very bad thing to submerge your iPhone in Gatorade.  It has since been replaced.

I had a few moments of anxiety where the old memories came flying back at me. Visions of the maternity home me, the hospital me holding my baby girl, the struggling me fighting to find her own place in Chicago, haunted me now and then. I pushed them away. I focused on my sons who provided an oddly healing effect. It was indeed helpful to take two children back to the city where I lost one. When the panic attacks began, when thoughts of my only girl threatened to crack my resolve, I pulled my sons closer to me and found some degree of comfort. That is not meant to imply in anyway that they replace her or that they fill the void left by her. Rather, it implies that some part of me was somehow more complete. I have always, and I mean ALWAYS, been in that city alone.  This time, there were three other loved ones with me. I, and the girl that was once 18 and alone there, felt more whole, less broken, more loved.

I did have two dinners with adoption related friends. My friend Bobby was kind enough to come in from the Burbs to dine with us at Ed Debevics. The resulting video is hysterical. We tried our best NOT to talk adoption stuff. We failed a bit but we managed. Later that same day I met with my friend JM whom I have known since we were both incarcerated in Gehring Hall.   She looks great, is great, we had a great time. I was glad she was able to meet my men. I know they enjoyed meeting her.

While the trip was slightly hectic at times, and all four of us were (and still are) fighting head colds, it was all good.

Very good.

Two final notes:

My friend LJ mentioned in this post has been informed that her mother wants contact with her. I am so happy for her and wish her a fabulous reunion. She deserves it. All of our children do (if they wish it). They also deserve to be supported in that quest. I hope LJ is. I know that whatever challenges she encounters, her family at ehbabes.com will be there to help her.

And I also want to thank JoyJoy and Elizabeth for their comments on Adoptee Integration. I have much more to talk about on this topic that were born from their comments. More posts to come.

 “A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.” -  Marcelene Cox quotes
 

I am headed off to Chicago for five days and I am going to try really really hard to avoid the Internet. And by that I mean the Internet that is accessed via a computer cuz, like, I kinda always have the Internet on my iPhone. If I fail, my failing will be that I upload pictures to my flickr.

Lots of material floating in my head but unable to get it out in the right form. Hence, a list post.

• My daughters tmblr site was blocked by my company firewall. Boo to that. I looked forward to points in the day where I could peek in on her. I will have to do from home. I struggle with this because my sons inevitably end up walking by the computer and commenting on their sister and asking questions and frankly, sometimes I just want to deal with my own emotions and not have the noise of theirs. That is not to suggest theirs don't matter, or that I don't attend to them, but rather that I  enjoyed some silent alone time where I could check up on their sister, my daughter.

• Speaking of my sons, a few weeks go the project that son my eldest son did last year that featured his sister fell off his bedroom wall. I did not pick it up and instead, casually (and probably inappropriately) pushed it a bit under his bed. It is still hard for me to see how much my darling amazing son Nikolas thinks about his sister. I wish I could offer him hope. I wish I could answer his questions that inquire why she wants nothing to do with me or with him. I cannot. Only she knows. Having that project hanging on his wall (he hung it, not me) was a daily stab in the heart.

  He picked it up in recent days and posted it back on his wall, to the left side of his bed, right about head/pillow level. I did not question it but something inside me felt pinched. I am sorry Nikolas. I am sorry, Mommy gave away your older sister and that she is not in your life.

• We leave for Chicago on Sunday morning. While it promises to be a fabulously rainy week in the Windy city, I am unphased. It is still time away with my sons. It is hotels and swimming pools and museums and Chicago deep dish pizza. I have decided to be a tourist in every sense of the word. I will not visit any of my old haunts, I will not make it an adoption themed trip (And trust me, I could. I have TONS of work I could do out there). I will focus on my sons and my boyfriend and enjoy my time with them. I will do my best to not focus on the fact that it was in that city that I was a mother for three days to my first born. I will not focus on the fact that the baby brokers former office is a few steps away from the hotel I am staying at.  I will not allow adoption trauma to destroy this trip even if I am in the city where the trauma occurred. I refuse to.

• I began working on my AAC presentation (finally). Drafting it on a chronological time line view. I got to the beginning of my second trimester (which is where the agency entered the picture) and I had a panic attack. Tight chest, dizzy, could not breathe, ringing in my ears. I had to stop. At least I got that far. I will continue with it when I return from vacation.

• I am thinking alot lately about adoptee integration. Can they really integrate their dual identities? A dear friend is struggling with this (massively) and it aches my heart for her (and of course for my daughter). Yes, they have two names, two families, two birth certificate but does it ALWAYS have to be that way? Do they have no power (separate from OBCS I realize) to integrate that? I suspect I am unable to truly appreciate the complexity of the situation since I am not an adoptee but gosh, how my heart yearns for some peace for these loved ones of mine. I have had friends take back their original names. I have seen others be adopted back. I have seen others cease contact with natural or adoptive families that refused to acknowledge who they were in their entirety. I thought those sorts of actions helped. Am I wrong to  assume (perhaps erroneously) such actions help with integration. I asked my friend that is struggling with this if she is unable to do because SHE cannot or because others will not let her. Does she stay as two people because it suits her adoptive parents or because it suits her (or both?). My heart aches for my friend and all adoptees that are not allowed to be who they are but rather have to be a dancing bear in someone elses fantasy.  Damn you adoptive and natural parents who cannot accept what was done to our children! Damn you for your denial and avoidance and emotional weakness. Damn adoption….I wish I could help my friend. I hate that my daughter must live with this too. Part of me suspects one of the reasons she avoids me is that it is easier to live in one identity by ignoring  the existence of the other.

  Wow. That was a passionate ramble.
  

Finally, before I head out to lunch, I want to wish good luck to my adoptee friend L/J in Georgia. Her first mother has been located but my friend is awaiting contact.  Please think good positive thoughts for her. She, like every other adoptee I know and love, deserves the best.

Lunch calls.