I am back from my few days away with my three fabulous men. It was a good break – even if taken in the city of the most traumatic event of my life.
I thought very little about adoption, my daughter, my trauma, my younger self while I was there. As planned, my days and nights were consumed with being a cruise director for my boyfriend and my two sons. Daily events included the Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum, Sears Tower, Adler Planetarium, Ed Debevics and oh yeah, The Gatorade Incident. Whilst at the Field Museum I learned that it is a very bad thing to submerge your iPhone in Gatorade. It has since been replaced.
I had a few moments of anxiety where the old memories came flying back at me. Visions of the maternity home me, the hospital me holding my baby girl, the struggling me fighting to find her own place in Chicago, haunted me now and then. I pushed them away. I focused on my sons who provided an oddly healing effect. It was indeed helpful to take two children back to the city where I lost one. When the panic attacks began, when thoughts of my only girl threatened to crack my resolve, I pulled my sons closer to me and found some degree of comfort. That is not meant to imply in anyway that they replace her or that they fill the void left by her. Rather, it implies that some part of me was somehow more complete. I have always, and I mean ALWAYS, been in that city alone. This time, there were three other loved ones with me. I, and the girl that was once 18 and alone there, felt more whole, less broken, more loved.
I did have two dinners with adoption related friends. My friend Bobby was kind enough to come in from the Burbs to dine with us at Ed Debevics. The resulting video is hysterical. We tried our best NOT to talk adoption stuff. We failed a bit but we managed. Later that same day I met with my friend JM whom I have known since we were both incarcerated in Gehring Hall. She looks great, is great, we had a great time. I was glad she was able to meet my men. I know they enjoyed meeting her.
While the trip was slightly hectic at times, and all four of us were (and still are) fighting head colds, it was all good.
Two final notes:
My friend LJ mentioned in this post has been informed that her mother wants contact with her. I am so happy for her and wish her a fabulous reunion. She deserves it. All of our children do (if they wish it). They also deserve to be supported in that quest. I hope LJ is. I know that whatever challenges she encounters, her family at ehbabes.com will be there to help her.
And I also want to thank JoyJoy and Elizabeth for their comments on Adoptee Integration. I have much more to talk about on this topic that were born from their comments. More posts to come.