A Successful Teen Mom

Galaxy - January 2013 037Lisette Orellana is an advocate for women and girls’ issues. Her experiences as a teen mother helped her connect with organizations who champion women’s issues and have taught her the importance of telling her story to help others. A mother of two wonderful children, Lisette is also a public speaker, community activist, an avid blogger. When she’s not volunteering or keeping herself busy in the community, she spends time doing what she considers her best role, a mom. She is currently pursuing a Master’s Degree at the University of Baltimore.

Suz: So first, as mentioned, thank you for making time and for sharing with me.

Lisette: My pleasure!

Suz: As I mentioned, I am very passionate about supporting young, single, teen moms. My goal is to share some stories, interviews, etc. on my blog which is largely an adoption blog (and by adoption I mean do not do what I did sort of adoption experience). I want to show that teen moms CAN be successful because I believe they can.

Lisette: Yes, thanks for caring so much.  We certainly need more people like you!

Suz: They are there but they are afraid to speak out. Which brings me to a topic I think all women who have experienced an unplanned pregnancy share – shame. I know you told me briefly in email your story but can you recap? Age you were, how you managed, what your parents or social structure reacted? I am curious how different (or not) it may have been with my experience in 1986.

Lisette: I got pregnant when I was 15, in 2001. I was definitely embarrassed. There’s that stereotype that girls who do well in school, who don’t date many boys, and don’t get in trouble simply don’t get pregnant.

Once my mother found out she became outraged (which is understandable). Our relationship was already bad and I saw this as a way to leave the house, so when she hinted it, I decided I would move in with my boyfriend.

When people at school started to find out they suggested abortion, which I had never considered, but no one mentioned adoption.

Suz: Really? That was one of my questions. Did anyone suggest adoption? There is some research that suggests women of color rarely consider. You are Latina, right?  It seems your experience may support the research.

Lisette: I didn’t seek help from any youth serving organizations because once I saw the reaction of the people I trusted, I shut down completely. No one told me I had options. I’m not sure I would’ve taken them. This baby meant the world to me. It was my opportunity to be everything my mother hadn’t been to me.

Yes I’m Hispanic.  I don’t know anyone of my race who has given up their child for adoption.

Suz: I find this fascinating and wonder (and I am sure there is research behind it or at least theories) why that is. Some say Hispanics, African Americans, are more family oriented. You almost NEVER see a Hispanic child for adoption.

Lisette: What we do often is, a form of adoption, where our parents or relatives take the child.

Suz: Exactly. You keep your family in tact. Where as sadly, Caucasians are all too willing to abandon their daughters and instruct them to abandon their children.

Lisette: It’s a cultural thing. Just as we are expected to grow up and take care of our parents as they get older. If we don’t we’re bad children.

Suz: Some suggest it has so do with welfare…not saying I agree here…as it is offensive but that whites would never consider welfare but minorities accept it and it is systemic and generational. I actually had a welfare officer tell me I did not qualify (when I was pregnant at 18) because I was white. Terrified person that I was, I did not question her.

Lisette: My mother scared me into NOT looking for assistance!

Suz: Scared you? Meaning demanded you do or was embarrassed by it?

Where did you eventually find help? I understand you have done well finished college, have two great kids you are parenting, but also that it was not done easily. How did you manage it?

Lisette: She always said that welfare was bad and it was embarrassing to ask for assistance.

Suz: Ah. Yes. Same mantra at my house. But interestingly, my parents were not willing to help. Better to abandon your child to strangers than to seek assistance.

Lisette: I never got on Medical assistance, food stamps or even WIC. NO ONE told me that those services were available to me at 15.

All I heard was I was a bad girl with no future. It was around that time my boyfriend had become abusive and his mother, who lived in their country had asked to raise our daughter to which I had refused.

Suz: Oh, I know the “bad girl no future” routine all too well.

Lisette: When I got pregnant with my second child I had started attending a young mother’s support group which was the first place in a year that I had felt accepted.

Every week we met and discussed different topics. It was great! I then became pregnant with my second child, I was 16. I remember going to my AP Calculus class and the teacher asked to speak to me. She said “you have one child, and have another one on the way. Have you considered your options?” I gave her a puzzled look, I didn’t know what she meant…and then she said “there’s people out there who have the means to raise a child and can’t. You should think about it.”

Suz: Oh my.  So offensive.

Lisette: My OB/GYN had suggested an abortion for my second child, when he saw me for the first time. I wasn’t offended though.

Suz: I don’t suppose it occurred to her to offer support, resources, guidance. Why does everyone assume mothers will fail? People live up to expectations.

Lisette: See, no one had taken the time to even speak to me. I thought they cared.

Suz: Why is the solution to a mother needing help and resources to take the child from her? Grrrr.

Lisette: In retrospect, I agree. Why not offer support? Why not question the fact I came in with bruises? Or that I was 16 with two kids and no parents or boyfriend? No one considers the emotional damage (of separating mother and child).

Suz: Agreed. Completely. They don’t value the mother child bond. They value $.

Suz: Past experiences…was your father involved in your life growing up? Or just your mom?

Lisette: Just my mother.

Suz: How did people view your children’s father? How did his life change when you became pregnant?

Lisette: He was the “popular guy” who had stupidly dropped out of high school two months before graduation. He had a reputation of bad boy

Suz: How did he react to you when you told him you were pregnant?

Lisette: Other than having me live with him, his life didn’t change. His parents didn’t demand him to grow up and were always there to bail him out (with money) if there were any issues. He still partied and began drinking heavily. He was happy. He had become extremely jealous and had hit me once when we were only dating. I was on the pill, but wasn’t very responsible so we also used condoms. It so happened that the condom “ripped” one time.

Suz: “Wasn’t responsible” Do you mean you did not remember to take the pill all the time?

Lisette: not every month. If I ran out of money, I couldn’t start the pack the next month, and we’d switch to condoms.

Suz: Ah. Yeah. I can see that. My own pregnancy was similar. I only had sex with my daughters father 3 times…first two I was on the pill…second was unplanned/unexpected and I took the chance. He never used condoms.

Lisette: Wow. Very similar!

Suz: So during both pregnancies you remained in school?

Lisette: Yes. My pregnancy with my son was high risk. Little did I know it was because he was born with a genetic condition. I was supposed to be on bed rest but I was a senior, I took two college classes, and I had a part time job. There was no time for a break.

Suz: How did peers, teachers, etc. at school treat you?

Lisette: All my friends had turned their backs on me, except for one who was at a different school, and one who probably felt so sorry for me she stuck around.

Most of my teachers pretended they didn’t know…they just said things behind my back. I would see drawings of me in the school bathroom…with insults and such.  The school nurse was amazing though. And I did have two teachers who were incredibly supportive. My two college teachers were also amazing.

Suz: So kind people do exist? 😀

Lisette: Yes, they do!  It’s funny though. Last summer I worked with the national women’s law center on a piece on Title 9. I published it on my FB page…so many of those girls from high school apologized for having been so mean to me.

Suz: Maturity made them see the error of their ways? I can only imagine how hard it was for you. I graduated high school in June of 1985. I was president of student government, an honor student, a “good girl”. I got pregnant in August of 85. I have always felt if I had gotten pregnant in high school I might have killed myself. I am not being overly dramatic. I would have. I know it.

Lisette: Oh my!

Suz: At home I was used to being treated poorly, that was my role in the family but at school I was a star…not sure how well I would have done if I had to be a loser in both places.

Lisette: Trust me, there were plenty of times I doubted there would be a light at the end of my tunnel. I kept saying “I have to pack extra batteries!”

Oh no! Adolescence is hard enough on your own, with a child it becomes a world of confusion…times 2.

Suz: Where do you think your strength comes from? Faith? Genetics? What motivated you to keep going and not give in to the stereotypes?

Lisette: Haha! Let’s see… where does my strength come from…. I lost faith for a very long time Suz. Especially when I found out about my son 🙁

My mother’s favorite phrase is “I did all this for you…” and I always wondered “what is it that she did??”

My only goal in life has always been to give my kids (and others) what I did not have emotionally.  When my son was born, the abuse had escalated to the point where their father would hit me in public. One night he hit me while I was holding both kids. And he kept going and going and going.

While on the floor my daughter came to me (she was 22 months old) and I crawled to get my son. I sat there and thought I was all they had. Somehow I had this epiphany that they would not grow up thinking it was ok for a girl to be treated like this, and for a man to treat a woman like that. I promised to never look back, which I have broken because I have to look back to keep moving forward…in the right direction.

Looking at my children every day, it gives me this new sense of accomplishment. I never felt pride before. Not with my 4.0. Not with my full ride scholarships, not by graduating with two degrees. Every day knowing that they’re happy I feel I can outdo myself. It feels good and because it feels good, I don’t want to let go.

Suz: Love your attitude. I can relate. I had my own version of that experience with my first marriage. While he wasn’t physically abusive, it was not a relationship I wanted my two sons to model or to think was acceptable. 

Lisette: All kinds of abuse are traumatic. Emotional, verbal, physical, sexual. They all make an impact on a person, and if it’s unwanted, it should stop.

Suz: What advice would you give to a teen today? If an expectant mother approached you, what advice would you offer?

Lisette: I would tell her to value herself and to not lose herself in the process of becoming a mother. There’s so much emphasis on child development and such (which is just as important) but if you’re not happy and at peace with yourself and the woman you’re becoming, none of that will be helpful with creating a bond with your child.  I would also tell her to look for help. She’s not alone, there will always be someone who is willing to help and who believes in her potential as a person, as a woman, and as a mother.

Suz: Agreed. Did you see those awful posters New York put out?

Lisette: Yes, I actually just sent my response to the Pushback.  I think they’ll publish my post sometime today or tomorrow

Suz: Oh, great. I will look for it. Care to share what you said? This won’t go until after theirs and I can link to it!

Lisette: I spoke about positive youth development, acceptance in bullying and how as a marketing professional they targeted the wrong audience with their campaign.

Suz: Who is the correct audience?

Lisette: I feel like they are speaking to the people who already agree that teen parents don’t stand a chance, and that their children are already behind.

Suz: Ah. Good point.

Lisette: IF they were targeting teens…to persuade them on delaying a pregnancy, they’re not thinking of children, they simply don’t have that parental instinct yet.

Suz: They are not helping prevent teen parents or even helping those that are already are. They are reinforcing the bias, judgment and such of those that don’t help teen parents.

Lisette: Positive youth development in turn empowers youth to decide how they can learn something. If they wanted to reach teens with something like this, they could’ve asked “what is an effective way that you would talk to your peers about delaying a pregnancy?”   This poster simply isn’t relevant.

Suz: Agreed.  Did anyone encourage you to marry your children’s father?

Lisette: My mother mentioned it a couple of times. He also began to push for it after I became pregnant with my son.

Suz: I ask that questions because so many think getting married is the way to “fix” an unplanned pregnancy. As if a man somehow makes all the things all better…as if a woman can only be successful if she has a man by her side.  My mother was 19 when she had my sister but she was married. No one questioned her ability to parent since she had a husband.  As a feminist, that attitude annoys me.

Lisette:  Most definitely! It’s absurd and outdated. But I do think it’s becoming less and less common …unless the other party is a lot older.

Suz: Silly playful question.  If I granted you three wishes that you could only use for helping teen parents what would they be?

Lisette:  1) A teen parent support center in every state 2)  a scholarship fund at each state university and …what would my third one be?? Oh, 3) training to providers on how to be more teen friendly. This would me mandatory for all doctor’s offices and social services workers. Boy do they need it!

Suz: Great wishes. Sadly, I do not have the power! : )

Lisette:  Ha-ha!  It’s ok to dream!

Suz: Do you have orgs, resources, etc. you would recommend?

Lisette: I was thankfully helped by my local Crittenton agency. Their capacity is so small though :(. There’s a wonderful non-profit who helps teen parents access college by matching them to a mentor/sponsor in our area called Generation Hope.

Suz: Crittenton? Really?

Lisette: The early head start program has a great program for mothers and parents, and they are a federal program, nationally

Suz: That is interesting. They are widely known as pro-adoption. It is pleasing to hear they are helping mothers raise and parent versus surrender to adoption

Lisette: Yes, they are part of the National Crittenton Family of Agencies. I am very active with the national office and speak out on their behalf a lot.

Oh yes, that was back in the 50’s.

Suz: Fascinating. They are well known for their maternity homes. I have a friend who was in one in the early 80s. So glad to hear. Really.

Lisette: under different management and a different philosophy. They very often get phone calls on uniting families, and do their best to help

Suz: Their roots were in helping then they changed to pro adoption. Good to hear they may be returning to their original mission.

Lisette:  I can assure you now that girls have the chance to choose what they will do with their children and fight to preserve families.

Suz: Are they truly informed of the reality of adoption? That is my question? Too often there is pressure, coercion and lack of informed consent.

Lisette: The girls?

Suz: Yes, the expectant mothers.

Lisette: I think in the past it was a combination of family pressure and lack of education from the providers. Now, there is more research on trauma and emotional healing. Most girls who come to the Crittenton agencies have experienced some kind of abuse. The providers are trained on trauma informed services and are more responsive to the needs of each girl.

Suz: Yes, there are many factors. We are a religious country, evangelical adoption movement, etc. belief that only wealthy people have a right to raise children, belief that children must have two parents, etc. One final topic (I have kept you a hour!)

Lisette: Yes. All those misconceptions. Without realizing social status, race, and religion does not guarantee a safe environment. Wow, has it been that long?!

Suz: I have been debating parental notification on my blog. Concern over parental notification seems to be centered on girls who come from abusive homes. I get that. But also, as a non abusive parent, that wants to be involved in my child’s life and decisions, I feel punished by such rules. As both a parent today and a former young girl facing an unplanned pregnancy, what are your thoughts on this?

(and agreed with your previous statement, married, wealthy, biological, adoptive, etc. all abuse children. the only way to know how your child is doing is to raise them yourself)

Lisette: Let me see if I understand your question. Parental notification of adoption or of the whereabouts of your child?

Suz: Should a teen be required to notify their parents of their desire to abort? To adopt? To be tested for STDS?

Lisette: No.  Which is why I believe that all providers should have some kind of training in how to be “teen” friendly. I took my pregnancy test and begged my doctor not to tell my mother I had requested a test. She told my mother the results without telling me.

We need to empower youth to make decisions, whether right or wrong, they are their decisions. You mentioned that you felt pushed into your decision, and many of us may times feel that way because adults have that power over us.

Suz: A commenter on my blog said engaging in sex is an adult activity and should come with all adults’ rights and decision making. I am inclined to agree (at least my 17 year old self is) but I am curious what that does to a parent? Do we terminate only SOME of the parents’ rights? Consider that recent case where the mother won in court against her parents NOT to have an abortion. But the court then demanded the family support her.

So, if my 15 year old  is now pregnant and has the rights of an adult, am I, as a parent no longer responsible for her AT ALL?

Lisette: It’s such a touchy subject, and interesting one to discuss as well. Moral values versus legal ones. Where do you draw the line?

Suz: Agreed. Exactly. I obviously have no answers…just questions and concerns.

Lisette: My mother stopped supporting me at age 15 when I moved out. But I had to have emergency surgery shortly after having given birth, and I needed her signature. It was terrible!

Suz: Exactly! It’s ambiguous.

Lisette: I don’t think there will ever be a correct answer to these questions

Suz: Okay. I should let you go!

Lisette: Sure! It was so great speaking with you!

Suz: Thank you so much for sharing. Enjoyed chatting with you and find you so inspiring! Hugs to you and your kids.

Lisette: Aww thank you! Have a wonderful rest of the day!

17 Thoughts.

  1. As you an I have talked about, Suz, in my 16+ years of working at my present university, I have seen many young women experience unplanned pregnancies, and NONE have placed a child for adoption. They either chose to parent or chose to terminate the pregnancy. I have only ONCE had a student (White) even consider adoption as one of her options, and it was not the option she chose. I do think there is definitely a cultural aspect to this; we are an urban commuter institution with a largely lower-income student body that is 35% Hispanic, 8% Asian, 20% African- American, and 26% White (the remainder identify as multiracial, or did not identify with any ethnicity/race category). It is clearly more socially acceptable for teens to be parenting children among the urban set than it is among their nearby suburban counterparts. Tight-knit extended families and kinship care are more the norm among our students of color, with intergenerational family households being far more prominent among our lower income students. Although for many of our students, receiving welfare is” taboo,” the interweaving of the above factors creates an environment that makes parenting a more likely option.

    Thanks to both of you for sharing this terrific interview.

  2. It was truly a pleasure to speak to someone whose life mission is to help young parents. People come into your life for a reason – we can all learn from one another and I am so glad I was able to learn much from your experiences, Suz.

  3. I live in California. Most babies available for adoption here are part African American, part Hispanic, or both. Similarly, you see a lot of situations in Texas in which babies are all or part Hispanic. I believe that placement rates among races/ethnicities have more to do with where one lives and one’s socioeconomic status than with just plain race/ethnicity.

    • There may be some truth to that where you live (and you would certainly know as an adoptive mother to children of color) however as noted elsewhere, my experience does not support that.

      I was in a maternity home with close to 30 women (possibly more). Nearly all were white. The few that were able to get away with their children were indeed Hispanic or African American. Keep in mind I am talking domestic infant adoption. I realize these numbers change greatly when you consider foster care adoption. Additionally, Lisette is from a major city and Psychobabbler is as well.

      Also of interest is a work by historian Ricki Sollinger “Wake Up Little Susie” that highlights that before WW II, Solinger reporst “unwed mothers in the US were considered the products of defective, amoral environments– permanent outcasts for whom no kind of rehabilitation was possible. After the war, she argues, a perceived societal need to produce as many white children in “healthy” male-headed families as possible, combined with new Freudian psychological theories and racist sociological assumptions concerning black sexuality, engendered a dualistic treatment of unwed pregnant women depending on the color of their skin. Whereas the “market value” of white babies enabled and even encouraged white single mothers to “sacrifice” their offspring for adoption in exchange for a second chance at respectability (usually after exile in a maternity home), “unmarketable” illegitimate black babies were considered the inevitable product of the “natural” black libido and were therefore left to be raised by their mothers, who were in turn treated as incorrigible breeders who gave birth to win more government benefits. (Amazon book review)

      While it can certainly be said this has changed – somewhat – the attitude still permeates much of our society.

      Moreover, these statistics are also very telling even if dated (would need to dig into my files to find more current data) “The rate at which women relinquish their infants for adoption has declined dramatically. Between 1989 and 1995, 1.7% of white women relinquished their children for adoption, dropping from 19% in 1965-1972. The rate of relinquishment among black women has consistently been under 2% for unmarried births and is now less than 1%. The rate of relinquishment among Latina unmarried women has also been consistently at or under 2%. (National Center for Health Statistics, 1999).

  4. Suz, when you asked the question, “Where did you eventually find help? I understand you have done well finished college, have two great kids you are parenting, but also that it was not done easily. How did you manage it?” I did not feel that this really got answered. I realize that’s just the way the conversation flowed, and that you were talking about many things and shared experiences, but in order for people to understand how teen moms can make it, it’s good to know some of the specific steps, policies, etc.

    For example, it sounds like Lisette was a major brainiac. Not everyone is. But can she point to specific assistance she had with university access or funding that would also work for young women with less than a 4.0 grade average? She mentioned scholarships. Again, not everyone is going to qualify.

    How about the money? Did she get support from the BF, the gov’t, or her mother? I was unclear on this, especially with the 2nd pregnancy.

    What about daycare arrangements–were they family based, subsidized, or other?

    I think if you’re going to build support for teen moms, the public has to be aware of the opportunities and policies that work and really make a difference. Because not every family is going to be overwhelmingly in favor of teen motherhood as an idea, but when shown what does work and what doesn’t, individual families could be persuaded to support it.

    • Thank you for your comment, Loretta. Your point is noted and I encourage you to keep reading. I have several more interviews lined up and they will answer your questions and also show that moms can be successful – despite being a “major braniac” or not, on their own, with agency support etc. These moms are truly amazing and prove my point that teen parents fail because we expect them to fail, we do not support, encourage, etc. Same reason I failed and surrender to adoption.

      Parenting is hard at any age, always expensive, always life changing. Why do we tell a 19 yo she will fail but a 20 yo will not? Why will a married mom succeed but a single one will not? If we treated moms – of all ages, status and income level – with decency and respect they can be successful. I witness it daily.

    • Thank you for reading and leaving your comment, Loretta. I appreciate your questions and will attempt to answer them more thoroughly. I must say, after getting pregnant, no one called me smart, the question was, “how could you be so stupid?”

      I didn’t get support at school. Furthermore, I was in an abusive relationship that had placed me in such a state of fear that I didn’t want to ask for help, for one I didn’t think I was worthy of it, and two, I didn’t know any other “successful” teen parents so I didn’t know there were people around me who cared to help girls like me. High school was a hard time for me where I would go days without food; a time where my kids clothing came from donations. Once I came back to my mother at age 17, my part time job supported me. As I mentioned in my interview, I was part of an Early Head Start program and that is where I was able to get child care help for three years.

      I applied for all the financial aid I could possibly find. I have never been on food stamps or any other kind of assistance, I’ve worked for everything (I do think that assistance is great thought – it’s there to help those who need it most). Between grants, scholarships, and ONE very small loan, I made it through school. Because my income was so low during my first three years in college, I did receive a subsidy for child care. The older I got, and the more connections I made, I was able to become familiar with all the community resources and I applied for things I thought I qualified for, but it wasn’t much (health insurance for my kids mostly). I paid my mother to watch my kids when I went to school in the evening, and for about a year I qualified for reduced lunch for my kids at their school.

      I’ve heard many people tell me, “well, unfortunately not all teen moms are like you.” Maybe not – some are more scared than others, some have experienced far more trauma than I did, some are just overwhelmed with the new role given to them. My success is not due to the fact I’m a major braniac; my success was due to the fact that I found people who understood my issues, who were non-judgmental, and who helped me work through my situation. I understand not all places have the resources I was able to have, and I’m hoping that as the voices of teen moms continue to be heard, people will realize that supporting programs that support teen parents and actual investment that will yield results times two as you’ll be helping the child as well.

  5. Loretta –

    While many teen parents share the same feeling is isolation and loneliness, there’s definitely a ton of different factors that play a role in their success.

    For instance, getting through high school was a challenge for me as a teen mom. But once I transferred to a more supportive school, I had a liaison who worked with me every week to make sure I was caught up on work, feeling well, had everything I needed as well as serving as my advocate during times when my rights were violated. This was crucial.

    I also received child care assistance so my daughter could stay in a low cost daycare while I went to school. During all of this, I had very little support from family and friends.

    I was too ashamed to get financial assistance or other government aid so I relied on my boyfriend on his family for support and eventually worked part time. His supportive family helped me get through the first year of my daughter’s life.

    Honestly, after I left high school, I didn’t have the same support and I was back to being on my own. The next few years were really bad as I faced many new issues. My biggest help has been social support from other current and former teen parents though.

    • Natasha – Thank you so much for your reply. So critical (IMO) that we hear directly from Moms like yourself. I can provide the channel – but you provide the value!

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  7. I am white, was pregnant at 18 and had graduated high-school. Abortion was not even something I would have considered; there was no way I would make that choice for the child I had growing inside me. I also would never consider adoption – this was (is) MY child and I could never deal with the fear and pain of not doing right by her and knowing her life was better because I made sure of it. I grew up fast! I had this baby just after turning 19, instantly fell in love and made it my life ambition to make sure she always came first! This was my job; I am the parent. Her childhood was one of the best experiences of my entire life (I have other children). I strongly encourage other young women to keep the baby (it will not be easy, but it will be okay) and raise the child the way he/she deserves to be. Love them to your dying breath!

    Fast forward . . . My “little girl” (the love of my life) is now all grown up, with her own family (in the right order, husband and then child). They are both hard working and successful (doctors). I think about it sometimes . . . what if I listened to people’s advice today or was selfish and did not bring her into this world. . . the loss would be tragic. . . I helped make the world a better place and was deeply blessed – what more could anyone wish for. . . I thank God every day for blessing me and allowing me to have this wonderful person and her wonderful family as part of my life! Whatever is uncomfortable today will pass and the future is bright. Pregnancy and birth are indeed a gift to women – embrace it.

    • How wonderful for you, Blessed. Your post reminds me of a quote I recently put on a posting here. It is from Jeanette Winterson “The Gap of Time” and reads “Free will depends on being stronger than the moment that traps you.” Clearly you were stronger than the moment that trapped you. Sadly this is not always true for other mothers. I look forward to a world where mothers are regularly encouraged and supported to parent their children rather than being encouraged to abandon them to strangers. Something very wrong with a world that tells a mother she and her child are better off apart.

  8. Hi Suz,
    I am currently working on a doctoral dissertation regarding the internal and external factors that contribute to former teen mothers obtaining a master’s degree or higher. I, too, am a former teen mom. Would you be interested in being part of the case study or do you know of anyone else?

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