“… people try to make sense of the world they encounter. But how? In effect,they do this by looking for some consistency among their own experiences and memories, and turning to other people for comparison and confirmation. If all checks out, then all well and good. But what if there is some inconsistency? ” Basic Psychology”, Henry Gleitman, Norton 1983 Cognitive Consistency
A commenter challenged my post on my friends experience of being ordered to perform community service cuz like you know, a mother WOULD make that up. Further implied was that well, I made it up, did not have my facts cuz like I do that, right?
Sigh.
I found the comment offensive to the mother in question and to all mothers in general. In accordance with my comment policy, I deleted it. Not only am I protective of this mother in question but it struck me as yet another example of the typical cognitive dissonance rampant in adoption circles.
Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. Using my friends outrageous experience as an example, the idea of surrendering your child to adoption (doing something believed to good) conflicts with being sentenced to perform community service.
It makes no sense. Rather than believe that it truly happened and accept the discomfort that rides along with doing so, the reaction by some is to refute it, blame the victim, challenge it. Doing so allows the challenger to stay comfortable in their belief system no matter how flawed it may be.
Consider this.
A facebook friend shared Clauds contribution to the GIMH carnival on her facebook page. A friend of the friend commented on Clauds contribution with very negative, inflammatory and ignorant statements. I commented and attempted to educate the person on the darker side of adoption. Yes, there can be good in adoption but there is also a great deal of evil. Since the person admitted their own ignorance and asked for clarification, I offered up links, resources and books (Fessler, Verrier, Sollinger, etc.) they could read to understand the negatives of adoption and the traumatic effect it can have on mother and child. To give some credibility to my position, I shared bits of my own experience (maternity homes, baby brokers, promissory notes and such).
The persons response?
“Well, clearly you could not have been a good parent becuase you were not strong enough to fight for yourself and your child. Your child is better off.”
Whaaa?
Person completely and utterly missed the point. They did not read any of the links I sent, they did not consider educating themselves on coercion, intimidation and more. They instead chose to lash out, blame the victim, to justify their own position.
Why? Because the truth made them uncomfortable?
I was not upset or offended. I actually chuckled. So typical.
Yet it makes me wonder what my commentor or friends facebook commenter fear.
What EXACTLY will happen to them if they admit they have been duped? What will happen if they acknowledge they have been lead down the wrong adoption path, the one labeled lies and untruths, and suddenly walk down the one that more accurately highlights the good and evil inherent in adoption?