What is IS?

"No one can blame you
For walking away
Too much rejection
No love injection
Life can be easy
It’s not always swell
Don’t tell me truth hurts, little girl
‘Cause it hurts like hell " – Music and Lyrics By David Bowie
From the Labyrinth Movie Soundtrack, 1986

To practice acceptance do you have to know what you are accepting?

Byron Katie likes to use the phrase "loving what is". Well, what if you don’t know what is, IS. How do you love it?

How do you accept something you are not sure is the right thing to accept?

I don’t know what I am supposed to accept. I probably should know that first, no?

Am I accepting a bad reunion? Is my reunion bad?

Am I accepting a daughter whose adoption worked and wants nothing to do with her first family? Do I know that for certain?

Am I accepting that my daughter wants nothing to do with me? Should I infer that from her writings? While she has not told me to eff off, you could read between the lines and assume that. Should I?

What am I accepting?

That I will never know my daughter?

Can I know that for certain?

Justice says "accepting what IS?"

I don’t know what IS is.

How do you accept what you don’t know and don’t understand? Sure, the religious peeps can turn it over to God. Not believing in God, I cannot turn this over to the magical deity floating in the sky.

As a child I was taken to Alateen meetings by my mother. Anyone who has attended any sort of support group or twelve step type program is familiar with the serenity prayer.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…"

I don’t know what I cannot change.  How do I accept them? I believe I am pretty courageous in changing the things I can.  I know about them and I attack them head on. I am, however, sorely lacking in wisdom to know the difference.

Where do I go from here?

5 Thoughts.

  1. suz: You have accepted everything you were challenged with. You have shown more courage than anyone I know. To say you lack in wisdom to know the difference? You speak of wisdom every day in your writing and if you didnt speak of accepting changes it is the serenity you lack. I know you dont believe in a God, then believe in logic. Logic is basic,and you will have the answers that you ignore.

  2. I guess what IS is a state of not knowing. I’ve read that book and I guess it’s another way of describing the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. And of course we all know that is true and yet practicing it is certainly a struggle. Have you read any of Sylvia Boorstein? She’s incredibly down to earth Jewish Buddhist who has helped me through many a difficult period.

  3. I’ve so been where you are. My heart has been as tortured and broken as yours. Another 12 step saying — one day at a time — sometimes it is one minute at a time! I don’t want to become all religious on anyone but I do believe in God. My God is not a magical deity floating in the sky. My God has revealed Himself to me through the love of people and His Word the Bible and He lives in my heart. He has given me the strength, love, courage, everything I’ve needed to survive reunion. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. We are survivors and I love you Suz.

  4. Susan – Not familiar with Syvlia but will look her up. It is indeed my MO to seek guidance, knowledge, in books and others when I am struggling. Thank you for the reference.

  5. “What is” is that your daughter isn’t ready to let you into her life. I know that sounds harsh. But it’s not necessarily permanent. In fact, from what I’ve witnessed among the moms and adoptees I’ve met/heard from, it is very likely that as she ages and matures, and especially once she has a baby, she will change her mind. The hard part is waiting. I know this all too well. I hate it too.
    (((Hang in there)))

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