Sad, Mad, Scared

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” – Virginia Satir

I am sad at the loss of her.
I am sad that she had to grow up adopted.
I am sad she grew up an only child.
I am sad that she may have felt rejected, abandoned, unloved, unwanted. She was none of those things.
I am sad that my two other children may never know their sister.
I am sad that certain people in my life continue to be embarrassed and ashamed by me and my experience and the work I do for others.
I am sad she doesn’t want to meet (yet?).
I am sad that my adoption trauma has negatively affected other relationships.
I am sad and mad that I am her dirty secret and she cannot discuss me with her aparents.
I am mad at myself for surrendering her.
I am mad at myself for being ignorant to little ditties like Primal Wound. 
I am mad at the agency for their coercion and intimidation.
I am mad that they threatened to sue me if I did not give her to them. I am mad and sad that I caved and gave in.
I am mad that they lied to me about her going into foster care.
I am mad that they lied to me about her adoption being semi-open (which really means semi-closed). They promised me pictures and updates for her entire life. They never came.
I am mad that I really believed the caseworker liked me and cared about me.
I am mad she used that perceived friendship to take my child from me.
I am mad at the Catholic Church.
I am mad that a country like ours places so little value on the mother child bond and believes it better to remove a child from the breast of its mother and give the child to someone who has a car and home but no breast milk.
I am mad that they agency told her parents that their money was going towards post relinquishment counseling for me. I received none.
I am mad I was never told the legal process.
I am mad that I had no legal representation.
I am mad I was never told of a revocation period.
I am mad that revocation would have never  been honored had I known about it.
I am mad that adults around me in the maternity home knew the truth about my agency but kept it from me.
I am scared at what this may have done to her and what it means to us and our future.
I am scared I may never know her like I want to know her.
I am scared I may never get the chance to meet her.
I am scared that she is angry with me and may stay angry with me forever.

21 Thoughts.

  1. Suz I have a question for you but I can’t seem to locate your email address. Can you email me when you have time please? Thank You!

  2. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through Suz.
    If I could have one wish, it would be for a world full of people with compassion. Then, perhaps, these crimes would cease to exisit.

  3. (((((((((((((((Suz))))))))))))))))
    So many of these ring true for me – from the adoptee side of the fence.
    Why are there so many mums who can’t have contact with their children / and so many adoptees that can’t have contact with their mum’s.
    It just doesn’t seem right.
    Thinking of you.

  4. I enjoy Virginia Satir’s writings. A very influential woman with a powerful message.
    I know you are in reunion with your daughter Suz but for the life of me, I can’t recall just where that is at. I mean do you and her have regular, meaningful communication/visits or is it distant?
    I think any woman/man considering giving their child up for adoption should have to read all these blogs. It is heart wrenching to say the least.

  5. It’s sad, all the things you have listed….I don’t mean this in a derogetory way at all…but i would also like to see your list of all the thing for which you are thankful. Maybe it would help you feel good —i know you are thankful for your kids. okay… start listing….

  6. Shell – Thanks for your support. I am struggling to note what I am thankful for in adoption. This is my blog dedicated solely to adoption and I am not thankful for its presence in my life at all. If you meant what am I happy about in other areas of my life. there are many, but I dont write about that stuff here.

  7. Good for you for making that list, Suz. I think it’s important to be able to identify exactly what is distressing, to put a framework on it. I read each and every entry on your list. I can’t imagine carrying around that sort of burden. I do hope – some day – it will be possible for you to forgive yourself just a little and that your daughter will get past whatever is holding her back and meet you. Warm fuzzy thoughts across cyberspace.

  8. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’d say it should be highlighted on your Popular Posts but I often feel that way about everything you write. I made a mental note to myself though that the next time I’m feeling way too out of sorts, I should sit down and write my own mad/sad/scared. It may keep me from lashing out at an innocent bystander. So thank you again.

  9. I can relate. I hurt not just for me, but for all of us natural mothers and for our children.

  10. Echoing everything everyone else has said here – and adding a hope that you and your daughter meet one day very, very soon.

  11. While I’d like to think I know you, this really helps me to understand you a bit better. I love you, will never be ashamed of you and wish you much happiness, Rebecca

  12. I don’t know how to express my feelings like you do…. all I do is cry. I feel your pain. If you dont mind my asking… how did you find your daughter?

    • Cathy – I cry all the time too. Nearly every day. Over everything..I say let yourself cry. We have lots to cry about. Lots of loss and lots of grief. For me, oddly, I find it makes me a better person. The more I feel, the more I allow myself to feel, the better friend, partner, wife, etc. I can be to others. It seems to let them feel too then. Hugs to you.

  13. It is nice to know I’m not alone. When I cry, my family seems to disappear. They don’t know what to say because they really don’t know how to comfort me. I tell my husband to just hold me and listen to me and it will pass. Some days I just need to cry by myself. Like right now as I type I am crying just thinking …… how much longer do I have to wait to see my son. I can wait, I’ve been waiting. Along time of waiting. My two other children know about their brother, and are excited to welcome him into this family. My husband is so supportive and wants me to be happy. He is my world. I’m very lucky and blessed. ….Cathy

    • Cathy – My family also seems clueless. They just dont know what to say. I believe this is largely true – they dont know. Additionally, some of our family members are as “guilty” as we are. They abandoned us first and then told us, demanded us, abandon our babies if we wanted to come home. How do they face our pain and their involvement in it? I guess for many it is easy to disappear. They believed the party line, the church and others that it would get better, we would get over it and that children are replaceable. Obviously they believed wrong. No wonder they scatter when we want to talk about it, or need help.

      My hugs again to you. I urge you to keep reading, talking, sharing. Opening up wounds, trauma, like this is not easy. I believe strongly that the more we deal with our “stuff” before reunion the better off we will be in reunion. Note that I do not suggest our reunion will be better for as knowledgeable as I was it did not help my reunion. BUT my reading, support structure and friends did help ME.

  14. Most of what you’ve written is very familiar to me. I lost my son to adoption in 1987 and he doesn’t want a reunion. I too was raised Catholic and stopped going to church after that traumatizing experience.

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