shreds and crumbs

They said they would
Send pictures,
Notes, updates
Finger painted refridgerator art.
They didn’t.

I received a few
Begged for
visual droppings
Begged for
Threatened to kill myself
If not sent.
snapshots received.
a few
only after threats.

you have my baby
how much effort
is a picture

how much work
to honor
the promise
you made

Collected a box
Over the years.
Glimpses of you.
Pictures of him.
Words from them.
Hospital records.
Your first photo.
Fake birth certificate
From the hospital.

An faded ultrasound photo.
A photo of myself.
Of us
Me, fully pregnant
with you
in my belly.

Only it’s a face shot
You are there
But you are not seen
Kind of like me now
In your life.
But not seen
Ghostly apparition
Of a mother
The mother
But not
Motherhood, interrrupted

Found you.
More pictures.
More pictures.
More crumbs.
Trying catch up
On what was lost
And what was promised
And what was sent
And what was not
And what was found
And what is still missing.

The pile grows
Each email printed.
Each photo
Right click, save
Print and into

Shreds really.
More than crumbs
But not quite a full slice.
Croutons perhaps.

Its all I have.
Its what I hang on to.

I should have hung on to you.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Wow. The first part is my story. Almost every part. Last year I send a note with just this on it: “I just want to know they are okay.” After all I hadn’t heard from them for a year and a half. Finally I got something. Yeah I’m so there right now.

  2. Suz, I don’t know if I told you how much I get out of your blog and perspective and love and longing for your child. As an adoptee, you are the kind of mother we hope to find on the other end of our search. Mentioned you in my most recent post. Writing the same to Kim Kim.

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