Comparing Nuts and Fruits

You may recall when I was first informed by my daughter of the person harassing her on formspring that I suggested it was an adoption affected individual, probably an adoptee.  I was chastised for that by others and later clarified that the words the individual(s) were using in their statements to her were words I had heard in adoption circles – most often from adoptees. As such, my assessment tracked, at least to me.

After this week’s observing of her formspring and her outing, I remain convinced it is an adoption effected person – presumably, as she states, known to me. The thought makes me sad and angered at the same time.

Recall I was struck by her use of the words “lucky and privileged” in reference to her being lucky to be adopted and privileged to be raised by the parents Easter House selected for her. The phrases lucky and privileged are quite common in adoption’s dominant discourse. The grateful adoptee will say “I am so lucky I was adopted by such wonderful people. I am so grateful to them for X, Y and Z”. The forever indebted mother will state “I am so lucky and happy I found such a wonderful family to adopt my child. I am so blessed that they going to keep the adoption open.”  The media will also portray adopted children as lucky and saved. We mustn’t forget the prospective adopters who were so blessed by their Gods plan to send them this child that was grown in the heart instead of their tummy.  Luck abounds! 

Individuals who do not view adoption as a celebratory event, who dissent from the discourse are called bitter and ungrateful and more. We don’t view adoption as a celebratory event but rather one that was preceded by a tragic event. We are offended by such words.  LUCKY? You were lucky to be abandoned by your mother and given to strangers? Blessed?  Blessed to have your original birth certificate withheld from you when all other US citizens can walk right into their local Vital Statistics and get a copy of theirs?  Overjoyed? Overjoyed that you will never know your medical history? Overjoyed that you could be dating a member of your natural family and not know it? Good luck procreating.

So yeah, I reacted to her words of lucky and privileged. I did not react to her of course. I winced a bit, had some negative internal dialogue with myself about myself, shook my head and experienced a bit of a wrinkle in my heart muscle.  I disagreed with her word choice much like others that share my view would also do. We are the dissidents of adoption. We view things differently.  We use different words to describe the process of dismembering mother and child.

When I went back to look at the formspring, I saw that someone had sent her another question that she answered. The question was:

“LUCKY AND PRIVILEDGED! WTF DOES THAT MEAN?”

I could be reaching here but it seems to me that the average non adopted person walking the littered streets of formpsring or harassing her are not likely to find offense in that comment. In fact, they might even support it and share a few rainbow farts and unicorn tales. The fact that someone keyed in on those words, makes me think, again, it is an adopted affected person.

I remain firm in my position that I am not going to go about accusing people I know from ehbabes, my family, her fathers family, even a few blog readers of being that person. I do not believe taking on such an effort will bear fruit. The need for it, the thought of it being someone I know, the feeling of betrayal, does however, make me feel a little nuts.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, I had to print out these three posts, read attentively and consider my response. Heavy, dude! So many thoughts running through my head.

    “Lucky and privileged.” Sounds kool-aid induced. But you know what, I’ve done the same thing in the face of things I couldn’t change. Said ‘it’s fine, meant to be, probably for the best,” etc., even when the situation was breaking my heart. So I wouldn’t buy that as your daughter’s truthful attitude.

    Right on, as far as “luck abounds,” when it comes to relinquishing mothers and adoptive parents. Most of us would have much preferred to keep our babies, just as most (probably all) of them would have preferred to conceive, birth and raise their own biological children. Adoption has been touted as a celebratory event by the media, and society in general, when in fact it is the saddest thing I can think of, anyway you look at it.

    I am so happy that you exist! That you arrived at that conclusion when you saw that your daughter admitted there was life and a mother and father and extended family before she was adopted. Take considerable comfort in that realization. It’s a big step for her, in the right direction.

    I know you don’t like your friends and fans to give what might be false encouragement, say things like, “she’s still young, she might change her mind, there’s a chance she will welcome you someday.” So I won’t say it, but I’m gonna think it. My son was older than your daughter when he decided to search for me. He’s 41 now, around your age. I’ve heard so many stories about rejection from teens and twenty-somethings, which turned around once they hit their thirties or forties. So forgive me. But it’s not over.

    Look how you went from not existing a few years ago, to existing, at least on some level. It’s never over. We just have to find a way to be at peace with what is until something different becomes what is.

    Big hugs to you!

  2. I too am a dissident and will always be. There has been no joy at losing my child while others gained from my sorrow and misery.

    When I met my son and told him that I had always regretted the adoption he said to me that “god put me where I was supposed to be.” He has nothing but praise for his adopters while he posted something to the effect on his MySpace page that he didn’t know if he had a twin or not because his “birthmother put him up for adoption on the day he was born, so who knows?” His girlfriend made sure she reminded him all the time that his life was “so wonderful and you had all the best opportunities”…. She told him he “was his father”, (adoptive father) because he said he liked to bowl?! Funny, his brother born several years after him is not suffereing, living in the gutter or living some horrible existence with his MOTHER.

    I am offended, appalled and hurt every time I hear and read some other comment that my son was and is so much better off without me. His adopters are no better than I am. They only had more money than I did in 1990.

    Big whoop…

  3. I agree with you Suz. It sure sounds like an adoption affected person. You can’t get yourself crazy but I sometimes wonder why people feel they have to triangulate – get in the middle of other people’s business? Just wanted to say sorry this is still happening and let you know I’m sending you positive and loving thoughts.

  4. Denise :Suz, I had to print out these three posts, read attentively and consider my response. Heavy, dude! So many thoughts running through my head.

    Haha, Denise. You know me well enough to know I dont exactly run in the crowd of light thoughts. Heavy dude indeed! : )

  5. LOL, Suz! You are correct. I know what I’m getting into when I come here. Clearly I’m okay with heavy cuz I keep coming back. 🙂

  6. This post makes me so sad. First off, why would someone, anyone harrass your daughter like that in public? Secondly, if it is an adoptee, where is the sister/brotherhood in that? Thirdly, just how hard it must be for you and I am only guessing of course, but I imagine for her.

    I can’t help but project my own thoughts and think it has a great deal to do with the guilt one can feel for not being a well-behaved enough adoptee for the arents, I mean we do want to give excellent customer service—but of course that is just my own projection and may actually have nothing to do with anything.

    I think the media/society puts that big cloud of spun-sugar around adoption because they do know. Just like when I feel compelled to lie to someone, my lies are dramatic and full of details because I am attempting to cover something up. One thing I have come to believe is that the truth is simple. Lies are “complicated” Although even that isn’t even always true.

    God this stuff is so hard. Oh if people knew really how hard it was, but I guess money is all that matters. Le sigh.

  7. “I could be reaching here but it seems to me that the average non adopted person walking the littered streets of formpsring or harassing her are not likely to find offense in that comment. In fact, they might even support it and share a few rainbow farts and unicorn tales. The fact that someone keyed in on those words, makes me think, again, it is an adopted affected person.”

    Not reaching at all. I think you’re right on target. And, I’m sorry to say this, but I also would tend to agree that it is someone who is in some way (whether in cyberland or IRL) known to you as well, I would also venture to guess that said inindividual probably does not recognize their behavior as betraying you, but sees it as supporting you. Seen this kind of thing before.

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