Day of Surrender

by Suz on 2011/05/20 in Uncategorized with 10 Comments Tweet

Today marked the 25the anniversary of the day I surrendered my daughter officially to adoption.  If you prefer, as some do, the day I abandoned her to strangers. The day she was put onto the open market to be sold by Easter House. Without my knowledge, she went from me to a foster family on the North Shore of Lake Michigan.  At some point, I don’t know when, she was flown to NJ or picked up by her adoptive parents. I don’t know.

Today marks 25 years since I last saw my daughter, since I last felt her breath, last heard her cry, the last time I saw her shock of dark hair, the last day I counted her itty bitty fingers and teeny weeny toes, the last day I dreamed of running away with her and raising her alone, the last day society recognized me as her mother.

The last day of the of the rest of my life. My mother sat on one side of me, the agency caseworker, Colleen Rogers on my left.

Today was the day and I remember it as vividly as it was yesterday. The day the fantasies were fully implanted. The day the nightmares started, the day my heart shattered. The day I talked to her, apologized to her, and cried tears that rolled off my cheeks onto hers.

That last day.

 

Suz
Mother of three - first child surrendered to baby broker in 1986 and found online in 2005. Family preservationist and supporter of open records. Founder of ehbabes.com a search and support site focused on family members separated by the Kurtz network of agencies. Chronic hair colorer, lover of silver gothic inspired jewelry, writer, feminist, activist, socially anxious Gemini.
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10 Comments on "Day of Surrender"

  1. Rich says:
    2011/05/20 at 3:45 am

    Hugs my love, just hugs…

    Reply
  2. Shannon LC Cate says:
    2011/05/20 at 5:06 am

    Hugs hugs hugs

    Reply
  3. InBlindFaith says:
    2011/05/20 at 12:53 pm

    Lots of big squishy hugs

    Reply
  4. Meli says:
    2011/05/20 at 6:35 pm

    I have no words, Suz… I am so so sorry. Sending you much love and warmth. ((((((Suz))))))

    Reply
  5. Susie says:
    2011/05/20 at 8:59 pm

    My heart goes out to you today Suz…

    Reply
  6. michelle says:
    2011/05/20 at 11:16 pm

    thinking of you.

    Reply
  7. luna says:
    2011/05/21 at 1:24 am

    lots of hugs to you, suz.
    as I was celebrating my own birthday yesterday, I thought of you too. xo

    Reply
  8. Shescomeundone says:
    2011/05/23 at 2:48 am

    Oh Suz, my heart is breaking for you. You have grown so much in your journey, and yet I know the memories from this day in your life feel as fresh as if they were yesterday. Mine are for me too.I think it will always be this way for many of us who experienced this trauma. Sending you warm hugs and a gentle reminder to be extra gentle and loving to yourself. Sometimes we just have to honor ourselves by feeling the pain we need to feel, and embracing that young girl in us with love.

    Reply
  9. CarolynC says:
    2011/05/24 at 7:03 pm

    *hugs* No words, just lots of sympathy.

    Reply
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