Blog Surfing

“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end” – Benjamin Disraeli

Was blog surfing this evening and stumbled over to Birth Mother, First Mother Forum.

Read this story shared by Lorraine. Wow. It made me cry.  It could have been my story. Difference is that the man she speaks of, in my life, IS my daughters father. Wow. That brought back memories.

Some day I really want to blog more about my daughters father. For years I was choked up with it all. Respecting him, respecting her, respecting my ex husband. Respecting people who did not respect me. Living in my fantasy world of what ifs and could bes and should bes and dreaming of the intensity of a love long gone.

These days I am surrounded by the love of a man with whom I can discuss my daughters father freely. My fiancé is not threatened, he does not look away, he looks at me warmly, seeing the love and loss in my eyes and hearing it in my voice. He reaches out and hugs me. He allows me to talk. He allows me to reminisce, he allows me to be all nostalgic and tell him things about my daughters father I have never told another living soul.

And he still loves me.

And for that I love him more than he will ever know or understand.

But yeah, go read this:

Letters Lead to Alternate Universe Daughter

20 Thoughts.

  1. I rarely ever talk about the baby’s father either. In fact the topic of birth fathers is not one frequently seen on the blogs. there seems to be a common experience i think. of falling in love and then being horribly adbandoned in some way. i think if any of us had even a shred of self esteem back then, adoption never wouldve found us at all. just my opinion tho…

  2. Fantastic story from Lorraine, heart-warming & made me smile/cry…thanks for sharing babe…

  3. I totally identify with this quote and what youv’e said here, after experiencing a horrible relationship breakup with my first love last year. I really hope one day I may meet a man like Rich.

  4. My son’s father tried to do the right thing by me. I guess I am one of the rare ones.

    My son’s father was not allowed to see our son – when he couldn’t make it to the birth (he was on the other side of the country at the time, earning money for us), the social workers swooped in and took our son straight out of the hospital before he had the chance to see our son.

    My son’s father did not abandon me. In fact, he had rented a house so we could get our act together. He asked to make a statement of paternity when I told him that they would not let me name him on the statement of birth without it because we were not married at the time.

    When the social workers realised that he was willing to help me, they told him a pack of lies. They said that I didn’t love him (lie), that I didn’t love our son (lie), that he wasn’t the father (lie), that I slept around and didn’t know who the father was (lie), and that I had already signed papers giving our son away (lie). He believed their lies and left me. I thought I would never see him again. I was heart-broken and the social workers refused to return our son to me (“single unmarried mothers are not capable of raising children – we have better people than you waiting for that baby”).

    When our son turned 10, my son’s father managed to track me down. He started finding out about stories of corrupt adoption dealings and he had found out that he had been lied to. He begged me for forgiveness – and I did forgive him, as I felt he was a victim as much as myself.

    We had both married other people by this time but our spouses helped us to find our son. My husband has been amazing. He said he felt sorry for my son’s father and couldn’t imagine the guilt that he would have to carry for the rest of his life.
    My son’s father’s wife has also been equally supportive.

    We are still in touch with each other. My son spent 5 years living near me to get to know me better, then he moved to be near his father who has spent a lot of time with him. They got together for Christmas eve, and before that, they went camping last summer.

    My son’s father has promised to never abandon our son or myself ever again.
    I am pleased to say that he has kept his promise.

    Do I still love my son’s father? Yes.
    He still cares even now.

  5. So, I read half through her blog entry and burst into deep sobs. Not entirely sure what the tears were about, but it certainly triggered something. Weird (like, seriously). xo

    • Laurel – I cried too. Lorraine is a good writer and those of us effected by adoption can easily be effected by her words. Hugs to you!

  6. Lorraine’s story is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your own experiences, Suz. I wrote about my first love in September on my blog… I am blessed now with a husband who understands me and sympathizes with my struggles, yet I still miss my first love and wonder how much my uncertainties about being adopted had to do with how our relationship ended.

  7. yes my husband is like that also…
    I’ve been able to resolve a lot of my stuff, regarding my sons father, because I don’t have to fear or hide it from my husband.
    We are blessed. I wish all moms were.

    • mybirthnameallison – isnt it amazing how acceptance can contribute so much to healing? my relationship now is a complete opposite from mine with my ex husband and so much of my adoption “stuff” has just melted away. my fiance accepts, supports, understands and somehow that greatly minimizes my pain.

      • yes, with acceptance, comes freedom.
        Freedom to do my own work, so I can be who I was born to be.
        It’s tough, but I’m finding highly worth it.
        hugs Suz.

  8. From what I know and have learned in my time with Suz, that’s HUGE concerning being able to share everything with your partner, hugs to all of you ladies…

  9. Rich, you are totally awesome. I feel blessed because my hubby sounds a lot like you. Thanks for sharing.
    Gail

  10. Hey Rich. I’ve never met you but thanks for the hug. It’s impressive how you get it.

  11. Gail, unsignedmasterpiece…thank YOU for the kind words…it’s a combination of things I suppose that help me ‘get it’ as you say, I can’t/won’t go into details but from the get-go Suz was tremendously open, forthright & honest with me concerning adoption and her daughter…that helped me a lot…

    I guess I’m just very open-minded…in a totally different way, I’ve experienced the loss of my Dad for reasons of his own choosing…something that I finally did something about this past weekend to get some sort of ‘closure’ on…

    AND on top of all this, in the time Suz and I have been a couple I’ve met a nunmber of her friends, each one of them I’ve liked from the get-go, jibed with so to speak & really got a good, positive ‘vibe’ from them, easy to talk with, etc…

    • Rich :

      AND on top of all this, in the time Suz and I have been a couple I’ve met a nunmber of her friends, each one of them I’ve liked from the get-go, jibed with so to speak & really got a good, positive ‘vibe’ from them, easy to talk with, etc…

      Boogs – My friends are the bombdiggity. Claud, Bonnie, Dawn, Margie, Joanna, Robin..all the folks you have met are awesome peeps. Just like you! Mwah!

  12. LOL, awww thanks ‘maybe’…not sure the world is quite ready for two of me however…
    Single brother, why yes, in Florida, however he’s nothing like me, I can’t recommend him, : (

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