â€œOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.â€ – Rumi
Osolomama left an amusing link in response to my last post. In that post I shared the fact that my fiancÃ© despises the phrase “It is what it is”.
For me, contrary to what the article suggests, “it is what it is” for me is total acceptance. It is not passive aggressive, it is not stifling anger. It is my version of the serenity prayer. I have the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot change my daughters position. I cannot force her to care, to want, to think about me, to feel that adoption is part of her life. She says it isn’t and therefore I am not. One could attempt to debate this with her, even throw suggestions of denial or adoptee fog into her face, but to what end?Â To hurt her? Argue with her? Show her I am right and she is wrong?
It is not about right and wrong for me. I know what I know and what I feel. I know what is obvious and true (I gave birth to her, I am her mother, I do love her). The fact that she doesn’t feel that doesn’t change it for me. It does not cease me from being. It does not change my feelings for her.
There is an author named Byron Katie that is known for her book Loving What Is and material known as The Work. The Work is a simple process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause suffering in your world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity.Â In its most basic form the work contains four basic questions and a turn around. Some might call this reframing and perhaps to some extent it is, just Byron Katies way of doing it.
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
The turn around:
Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning). Straight from Byron Katie’s site “After you’ve investigated your statement with the four questions, you’re ready to turn it around (the concept you are questioning). Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you’ve judged have in common. A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, and to the self (and sometimes to “my thinking,” wherever that applies).”
I have thought about this Work, reframing, even the serenity prayer a lot in helping myself to manage the feelings caused by the loss of my daughter, my resulting reunion yet not reunion. I have concluded it is not important what SHE thinks about me, our reunion, etc. It is more important what I think. I control my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. Not her.
As such, I am my daughters first mother. Always have been. Always will be. I will always love her. I will always miss her. I will always want her in my life. Any dispute, challenge, etc from her does not change any of that.
Hence, for me, it is what it is.