Writing My Wrongs

WTF? – Me

Margie and covered quite a bit of material in our presentation and shared condensed versions of our individual adoption stories. 

I listened the audio recording after the fact and found myself rather pleased. I was concerned I would violate my daughters privacy, say something she might not like (how I would know what she would like is beyond me and yet I worry), or in general, sound like an idiot.

I did not.

As I cleared my desk at home last night I picked up a printed copy of our presentation. I sat at my desk chair and reflected on the material.

I continue to be struck by certain painfully obvious differences in what Margie was told or prepared for  and what I was.

The following is what I read about adoption, what I signed, what I walked away with.

• Final & Irrevocable Surrender for Adoption – A single piece of paper  typed in courier font with the agency name and address at the top. The document was not notarized and was witnessed only by my mother and the agency caseworker.

I read nothing in advance of surrendering my daughter. I did not research adoption and its effects. I did not attend a support group. I did not discuss with my family or friends. I never saw a single legal statute or document that explained the legal process.  I read and signed one document and then left my baby girl to strangers.  Society and the church and my parents and the  agency and the prospective adopters applauded this ignorance and stupidity. They blessed it and said it was a good thing. A selfless act. (Um, no. Not in the least bit).

The following is what Margie read about adoption, what she signed and what she kept.

“You'll never understand the reason, until you look deep enough into the cut to see the emotional pain that put it there.” – Unknown

I was incredibly, intentionally, consciously avoidant.

My fiance and I arrived in Cleveland on Friday and spent two days doing whatever it is one can do in Cleveland. No offense to Drew Carey or anyone from Cleveland but I am not able to say Cleveland rocks. Its a pretty sad city. We attended an Indians game Friday  night. Nice. Right across from the hotel.  Saturday we visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Enjoyable. My eleven year old son would love it.

As our driver said that morning, once you have done an Indians game and seem the RRHOF, you have done Cleveland. He was very right. We dined Saturday night at a tavern called The Winking Lizard and returned to our hotel to visit the completely empty bar (remember: Cleveland) to ingest a diet coke and a terribly made Cosmo martini.

While we did all this, others attended AAC sessions, met DMC, saw him perform with Zara, heard great things from Senator Paula Benoit.

And I avoided it all.

I must say this is rather new for me. Years ago at Adoption Crossroads conference, I went full boar into it.  Years later, I attended the Ethica/Donaldson conference in DC, same thing. Full boar.

This conference? Emm. Not so much.

I can suggest many reasons for this. My fiance, the state of my reunion, the stage in my own recovery.  Any and all may be correct.  All I know for sure is that I wanted to limit, severely limit, my adoption immersion. I had to present today, Sunday, with Margie and I was genuinely concerned about my ability to do so. Panic attacks hit me late last week, anxiety of my daughters approval or not of my work, thoughts of days past, and more kept me in a very odd place.  I suspect I needed to reserve all my strength for the session with Margie.

The session went well.  We were concerned we might not have anyone in attendance as we learned late we were in the same time slot as Dawn and Jenna and also Run DMC's second session. 

Our concern was unwarranted.

We had approximately 15 people in attendance. Mothers like me and social workers made up the audience.   Yes, I cried. Yes, I got emotional. How could I not? How can one share the agony of losing a child against her will and not get emotional? I apologized several times throughout my sharing. I wanted street cred -  not a river of tears. I wanted to show the audience the face of loss. I wanted them to feel it too. 

One of my favorite poets, Maya Angelou said "people will forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel"  I hope that those that attended our session today forget what I said but remember how I felt and how I might have made them feel. More importantly, the next time a social worker is faced with an expectant mother, I hope they will remember the tears we shed in my session today.  Use those tears to wash away the dirty grime that covers adoption truth and support that expectant mother with truth, honesty and ideally, a parenting plan.

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do."
- Edward Everett Hale

Finally making progress on my AAC presentation. (Better late than never!). Margie did a great job with a rough draft and I am now creating our slides and adding my own content.

I was over thinking the entire thing. Not surprising. I do that. Analysis Paralysis.

It occurred to me that there might be one or even none in attendance. I went to an Adoption Crossroads Conference years ago and several speakers had one or two people in the room (and those attendees were friends of the speaker). 

I decided to stop stressing about it all. Whatever will be will be.

I am telling my story up to surrender. I am talking religious influences, agency lack of ethics, promissory notes and threats of lawsuits. I will have exhibits and copies of actual documents (like a hand written profile on yellow lined paper that allegedly is the profile of my daughters adoptive parents). I am sharing the ONE document I ever signed or read that outlined my rights or the process. One. No lawyer, no statutes, no court appearances, no psychological counseling, just one unnotarized document signed by me, my mother and my case wrecker, Colleen. This one document contrasts sharply against the stack of information Margie was given and required to prep to prepare for her adoption.

Massive amounts of support and information was given to prepare Margie to parent someone elses child while nothing was given to me to parent my own.

Even more important, Margie had many resources to assist her with adoption and parenting. There was no one to assist me with psychological trauma caused by the forced surrender of my child.

While Margie welcomed her infants into her arms, I considered slitting my wrists. While Margie had follow ups by agencies and lawyers and friends, no one checked on me. The agency that committed to sending me pictures on a regular basis refused to take my calls and offered no assistance to me in my delicate mental state.

Contrast and compare.

I am doing surprisingly well with it all. I had thought about writing my daughter and advising her, maybe even indirectly asking permission.  I did not. She wont answer. I wrote her to ask if I could send her a birthday present and she failed to answer. I doubt highly she would answer if I told her about my conference.

And so I march onward.