11 Thoughts.

  1. Ummm, ok. I have a hard time buying that particular article. Honestly, my only question is why on earth they hav a picture of Michelle Duggar holding up her baby daughter???? I have seen her with her daughter on TV for the past 3 months! lol They need a new picture. I’m sure that kind of thing happens all the time, but they need to use a relevant picture.

  2. I read this on monday and it didn’t have Michelle Dugger on it! I used to work for DCF, I never spoke of adoption. Instead I told my teen clients that the state will help you keep your baby, something myself didn’t have almost 15 years ago! My clients all had the baby, were on state funded programs, and out of my caseload in a year we removed three babies and placed in Fostercare for abuse. We followed the clients for five years, educating them once a week on baby care etc. Never did we say..lets place your baby for adoption, even if I thought it may be best to prevent abuse for starting. Adoption takes a baby away from it’s mother, even in the best open adoption, that baby still feels loss. I see it everyday, babies going to the highest bidder. If an agency really was there for the pbmom, they won’t charge 40,000 to join. Sure we have some babies that need homes, if you were raped, or have abused your children in the past. But even than I think all should be done to place with a family memeber before selling the baby. Couples who can’t have children should look into doing fostercare, adopting hard to place older children or hire someone to have a baby for you. That way the lady who is having a baby for you gets paid, not an agencey.

    When I found out I was pregnant, got kicked out of the house, I did think about abortion. But you go and people try to tell you to keep your baby. Well, that is fine and wonderful but help me to keep my baby. Don’t promise me stuff and than take my baby! No birthmom should have to feel forced and I think most of us do! As long as we have a need for newborns people will promise the world to someone in order to get that baby. Since when did children and babies become something we can sell or trade?

    I also think that any baby or child who is placed for adoption should have contact information, medical records etc. I also think adoptive couples should be honest and tell the children they are adopted. What type of person lies about being a parent, if you cannot be honest with your child you adopted than don’t adopt. Adoption is not a replacement for a baby you cannot have.

    Sorry if I got off topic, but this really gets to me!

    I would love to see a move towards agenceys helping the mom keep the baby, and than if all else fails and placement is best help her find the best home for her baby!

  3. Summer, I agree with nearly all your write and have witnessed it myself. It seems to depend so much, too much, on what social services person you fall into the hands of. I have a family that had a drug addiction problem at the time her twins were born to her. Her life was a total mess in every way imaginable. She was lucky enough to find a social worker whos focused on family preservation, getting my family member clean and healthy while the twins were in temporary care. They are now teenagers living with their mother. Imagine if she had fallen into the hands of a judgemental social worker who felt selling the children to more worthy parents was best?

    Family preservation, family of origin, should always be considered first, IMO. When all those options are exhausted, place the baby with strangers but require the strangers to be open, honest and maintain family ties/history, etc.

    Seems so simple, eh?

  4. Suz,

    I so agree with you!

    “Family preservation, family of origin, should always be considered first, IMO. When all those options are exhausted, place the baby with strangers but require the strangers to be open, honest and maintain family ties/history, etc.

    Seems so simple, eh?”

    It is simple if people would be more like you, and myself and focus on the ways to keep the baby with the mom. I am all for Temp care when it is done right:) I am glad your family member was given the chance to keep her twins and turn her life around. We need more social workers like that!

    That is basically what I did at my job, focused on keep the family together. At times it was very hard, but than I remembered my loss “forcing of placing my daughter” and would do all I could for my clients. When someone did fail, and a baby was removed in place in fostercare, I felt like I failed also. But I have come to learn sometimes people just have a baby to have one and don’t really care about what happens to the baby. People like you and myself, care and we want to make things much different!

    When adoption is the last option, I would love to see just what you stated. We need open, we need the couple who adopts to be honest and do all they can do to make sure this child understands what happened and the future. At least with me my daughter can always call me or email. My open adoption has gotten harder as my daughter is in her teens, and wanted to move in with me. When I explainned she couldn’t she yelled at me and contact has been few and far between this past year. I think maybe she wishes she could still be with me since my life has turned out pretty good. What she cannot understand is that I was promised the world and she would get a better life. No one should be promised things for a baby. No one should be lied 2!

    I hope to see adoption change. It makes me ill when I read how much people pay for a baby! It makes me ill when I learned how you were forced to place! Really wish more us could come together because I feel no child wants to be placed for adoption if you really sit down and ask. At least for me I will always have the hole in my heart. Sure I have an open adoption. But it is not the same.

    God Bless,

  5. Sigh. It is paranoid articles similar to this one in the natural birthing community that garner the collective eye roll of the very people we are trying to influence.

  6. Scout, I am confused. I wonder if you could expand on your comment. How does an article about coercion, intimidation and fundamentalist christiam values tie to natural birthing? I feel there is more to your comment I might want to understand. I did not take what you did from that article and I am curious if I missed something?

    • If you ask a person in the natural birthing community about their primary goals, they will usually say:

      -encourage the average American woman that she is stronger than she thinks and quite possibly is completely capable of bringing her baby into this world without drugging herself and her baby

      -educate the average American woman about the pros and cons of every intervention (rupture of membranes, internal fetal monitoring, etc.) in labor

      -Get both expectant mothers and OBs to see labor as a normal process, not a medical emergency

      These are the people we want to influence: the average American woman, her family and her OB.

      So, the logical thing to do is to write article after article proclaiming that all OBs are sadists who hate women, of course!!

      The average American woman knows this is false and closes her mind and we never get to tell her that she doesn’t have to be a spectator at the birth, floating along in ignorance of the process. We never get to tell her that a nurse or OB who is impatient with her during her labor or speaks down to her actually chips away at her confidence in mothering and does a disservice to her child.

      What is it we really want? We want women to feel supported and strong in labor and be catapulted into confident motherhood, even if the labor ends in a c-section. Yet when I try to talk to a friend with that as my goal, I have to gingerly try to disassemble the wall that was put there by Crunchy Mama who screams that any mother who chooses an epidural hates her child.

      The power is in personal stories. Some women did have the OB from hell and we need to believe them and listen and learn. Other women share about the amazing healing power of overcoming the challenge of birth.

      Suz, your story is powerful and does change people’s minds. The fact that people write you about how adoption isn’t that way anymore and blah blah blah means that they are thinking about it. You have put a stone in their shoe and it is rubbing them raw.

  7. Scout – Thanks. I am still not sure I am following the connection to that article other than to suggest that we need to empower woman to believe in themselves, their own power, the ability to birth and mother. If that is what you are saying, I agree completely.

    On a different note (maybe note) your reply reminded me of my own second birth, induced, three days of labor, non progressive with me begging the doctor for a c-section. I KNEW something was wrong (I had already had my daughter 12 years prior) and the doctor refused to do a c-section stating that the hospital would question his c-section rates.

    At that point, I got up in his face (literally) and told him if he wasnt going to get me a C-section he better arrange for a psych consult becuase I was going to cut the EFFIN child out of myself.

    My first son was delivered with in the hour. He was 12 pounds at birth, never dropped, had been bouncing on my hip bones. I would have never delivered him vaginally. I “felt” that internally.

    And I beileve that is somewhat your point.

  8. Sorry it took me so long to reply. Someone in my house has been sick for what seems like forever (but probably has only been six weeks).

    Okay, I think I figured out what I’m really trying to say.

    When I first found your blog, I didn’t know anything about adoption. My family has no experience with it. I just assumed it was a good thing, helpful to both sides. Your blog at first made me angry, and then I kept reading and you changed my mind. I now talk to my friends about the side of adoption that no one ever talks about.

    However, had this post happened to be at the top when I clicked onto your blog for the first time, I would have left and never returned. For me, that would have been harmful, because I never would have given you the chance to change my mind about adoption.

    So that is the connection to natural childbirth community, there are people out there with very useful information but then they include plenty of “OBs hate women” posts that scare away the very people they are trying to reach.

    But then again, people like me probably aren’t your target audience. What is your target audience, by the way?

  9. Scout – I am still not seeing that connection between christian extremist/unethical agencies coercing & intidmiating mothers to surrender their children to adoption and the natural childbirth community but I will assume that is my own ignorance. Perhaps you and I have different definitions of natural childbirth.

    My target audience? Me. I write for me myself and I. It is therapeautic for me to write out what was done to me and to share it with others. This is common practice in many therapy treatments. If someone else (like yourself) gains something from it, if an adoptive parent asks one extra question of their agency, if one mother considers keeping her child, then all the better. But my audience is very simply, me. For once in this entire adoption horror, I am putting me first.

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