Witty and Pretty and Gay
Denise of Write-A-Holic expressed some concern/dislike about the Internet and how easy it can be used to find out information about others. In a recent post she references a reunion case where the daughter found mom on Facebook. Denise has expressed concern about the Internet and its openness in other posts. She further supported her position in a recent comment on my post Hello Shame and Paranoia. In that comment she quotes President Barack Obama by stating that “the Internet is the great resume killer.”
In general, I don’t share Denise concerns but I have attributed that to my generation and my profession. I embrace technology and the Internet and as a communications professional I find it a powerful tool. It aids in all four types of communications – verbal, non verbal, written and visual. While it must be used with caution, I do believe it should be used. While I find Denise’s concerns quite valid, I feel many, if not all, can be addressed over time via education, security measures, and general acceptance. The world is evolving and that includes the Internet. I can jump on for the ride or I can be left behind.
I choose to jump on. My hair is blowing in the cyber breeze and I am raising my arms to the sky of change. Yet, even as I am on, and cruising along enjoying the cyber scenery, html code assaulting my face, I find myself getting what Denise alludes to in a very personal way.
Yesterday, via her blog (well, technically her formspring) my daughter, the child I have not seen since she was three days old, came out as gay.
Before I take this post any further I want to state firmly that I have absolutely no issues with homosexuality. I never have. My best friend in high school was a gay man nearly ten years my senior (rest in peace, my darling Jim). One of my best friends today is a lesbian single mom parenting two sons she conceived via a known donor. Your sexuality is about as important to me as your shoe size. Whom you sleep with, how often, why and where is of no concern of mine. Is your partner loving? Kind? Good to you? Awesome.
That being firmly established, I must admit to a weird, completely indescribable feeling after reading my daughters words about her dating women (and in the past, men) saying she is not bisexual (she was not really clear in what her orientation is but did say she came “out” to her parents). Its not a judgmental, shameful feeling. It is not a feeling of “OMG! NOOOO, my child is a lesbian! What will the neighbors say!”. It is a peculiar feeling that comes along with finding out something incredibly personal about someone in such an impersonal way.
My odd feelings last night had nothing to do with having a gay daughter and everything to do with once again, having to learn about her through the Internet. I gotta say (and here I echo Denise) its kinda disconcerting but for reasons that likely differ from Denise’s. (Perhaps, Denise?)
I find myself with lots of questions and concern that I cannot ask/express because well, I don’t exist and I am not supposed to comment or email her. So I get to sit here and wonder all on my own and say “hmph, imagine that..hmph..wow..ain’t that the shit” and other such purely nonsensical mutterings.
My child is gay and I found out via the internet.
Death of the Mother/Author
In one of her emails to me my daughter cited the literary concept/essay by Roland Barthes known as The Death of the Author. “Barthes’s essay argues against traditional literary criticism’s practice of incorporating the intentions and biographical context of an author in an interpretation of a text, and instead argues that writing and creator are unrelated.”
She cited this essay as a way to illustrate what she saw as the death of the mother (the author), that I had nothing to do with her (the text), that she had nothing do with me and that anything she was, is, ever will be had nothing to do with her “creator”. She did make sure to include her adoptive parents in there too. Essentially she is her own being and has no relation, connection, or other to me, her father or her adoptive parents.
On one hand I can appreciate that. I was much like that at about her same age. I fumed with anger if my parents ever tried to stake claim to anything I did (particularly since in my case, my parents did very little for me and seemed only to want to claim my accomplishments but were never there when I failed or struggled) . Yet I still claimed them as my parents and gave them credit for traits of mine (good and bad) that I had clearly inherited from them either via nature or nurture.
My daughter disregards the nature and nurture and wraps her belief up in literary essays as a way of explaining it all.
On the other hand, while I find the explanation/connection intellectually interesting, it made me sad. To feel you come from no where, belong to no one, have nothing in common with anyone on this earth, to believe you are a single solitary being with no connection to anyone, feels so terribly dark and so horribly alone to me.
The Power of Time
Posted by Suz in Uncategorized on 2010/08/23
I am a big fan of Professor Phil Zimbardo (check out his book The Lucifer Effect).
Thought of adoption as I watched this video of his about The Power of Time. How do you spend your time? Being past or present oriented?
How much of your present time are you spending thinking about your past? Meaning, how much time do you lose today with your loved ones thinking about your adoption experience? I am not judging anyone, nor suggesting an appropriate amount of time (I, for one, spent WAY too much time in today thinking about yesterday and what coulda, shoulda, woulda and while I did that, my sons grew in front of me, my marriage crumbled and more).
Interesting to think about. Well, for me, at least.
Click the image below to be taken to the YouTube video. Stop back if you have some thoughts/comments on it.
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