In the living years

Since my dad has been moved to hospice care, many friends and family have told me to “make peace” with my dad. They state this to me with the knowledge of the very difficult childhood I had with my father. The final act on that painful relationship was the surrendering of my daughter to a stranger adoption.  I wont deny it. I carried intense bitterness and anger towards my father for a very long time. There were even times when I contemplated killing him (I am not kidding).

Fortunately, getting away from my home (by leaving a second time after my daughter was lost to adoption), was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. It gave me perspective. It got me out of the war zone and allowed me look at the inside from the outside, a step away.

The song Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics was released in 1988. Two years after my daughters birth and surrender.  It was pivotal to my awakening and forgiving of my dad.  As a parent, then, even one not raising her child, I was able to see my dad in a different light. In reflecting on my own parental crimes (abandoning my daughter to strangers) I reflected on my dad.  The song remains on my top list of my profound listening choices even today.

I love you Daddy.


7 Thoughts.

  1. So sorry about your dad and hope he’s comfortable and that you are all getting the support you need. Glad you made your peace. I think some people do wait too long.

    • Thank you M2R. I agree. I am so comforted knowing my dad can pass with no unfinished business. Our peace came over a period of years and ultimately resulted in his admitting my daughter was lost due to his presence/beliefs, etc. Not completely true but largely so and it was profoundly powerful for me to have him admit that.

  2. I just listened to this song for the first time. It’s fabulous. Thanks for sharing. My thoughts are with you at this very difficult time in your life and I’m glad you’ve found peace.


    • Thanks Gail. I agree. As a writer, the lyrics just really touch me. The simple melody, focus on the words, very powerful and so very true. Something I believe everyone can relate to in their own way.

  3. Great song. I too have pondered the lyrics. Having made peace with my mother (in my own heart and mind, not with her involvement) before she died, I know the importance of doing so. There are still hurts, so much that can’t be undone, but there is some level of forgiveness too, which allows us to move on.

    Thinking of you, Suz. XO

  4. Somehow I missed that your father’s health was in decline. I’m so sorry. Wishing you both comfort…

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