Witty and Pretty and Gay

Denise of Write-A-Holic expressed some concern/dislike about the Internet and how easy it can be used to find out information about others. In a recent post she references a reunion case where the daughter found mom on Facebook. Denise has expressed concern about the Internet and its openness in other posts.  She further supported her position in a recent comment on my post Hello Shame and Paranoia. In that comment she quotes President Barack Obama by stating that “the Internet is the great resume killer.”

In general, I don’t share Denise concerns but I have attributed that to my generation  and my profession.  I embrace technology and the Internet and as a communications professional I find it a powerful tool. It aids in all four types of communications – verbal, non verbal, written and visual.  While it must be used with caution, I do believe it should be used. While I find Denise’s concerns quite valid, I feel many, if not all, can be addressed over time via education, security measures, and general acceptance. The world is evolving and that includes the Internet. I can jump on for the ride or I can be left behind.

I choose to jump on.  My hair is blowing in the cyber breeze and I am raising my arms to the sky of change. Yet, even as I am on, and cruising along enjoying the cyber scenery, html code assaulting my face, I find myself getting what Denise alludes to in a very personal way.

Yesterday, via her blog (well, technically her formspring) my daughter, the child I have not seen since she was three days old, came out as gay.

Before I take this post any further I want to state firmly that I have absolutely no issues with homosexuality.  I never have. My best friend in high school was a gay man nearly ten years my senior (rest in peace, my darling Jim). One of my best friends today is a lesbian single mom parenting two sons she conceived via a known donor.  Your sexuality is about as important to me as your shoe size.  Whom you sleep with, how often, why and where is of no concern of mine. Is your partner loving? Kind? Good to you? Awesome.

That being firmly established, I must admit to a weird, completely indescribable feeling after reading my daughters words about her dating women (and in the past, men) saying she is not bisexual (she was not really clear in what her orientation is but did say she came “out” to her parents). Its not a judgmental, shameful feeling. It is not a feeling of “OMG! NOOOO, my child is a lesbian! What will the neighbors say!”. It is a peculiar feeling that comes along with finding out something incredibly personal about someone in such an impersonal way.

My odd feelings last night had nothing to do with having a gay daughter and everything to do with once again, having to learn about her through the Internet. I gotta say (and here I echo Denise) its kinda disconcerting but for reasons that likely differ from Denise’s. (Perhaps, Denise?)

I find myself with lots of questions and concern that I cannot ask/express because well, I don’t exist and I am not supposed to comment or email her. So I get to sit here and wonder all on my own and say “hmph, imagine that..hmph..wow..ain’t that the shit” and other such purely nonsensical mutterings.

My child is gay and I found out via the internet.

8 Thoughts.

  1. That has to be a pretty huge “wha-?”, hands down. And once again, I hope your daughter realizes what an ally she has in you.

  2. So sorry to read about yet another punch in the stomach. To learn about such a big piece of who your daughter is on the internet.

    If this is something she has been struggling with (“coming out of the closet”), it makes me wonder if it is part of her (non)relationship with you. If she already felt she was not living an “authentic” life because of her sexuality, perhaps facing the adoption/reunion myths/truths was just too much.

    I believe that one day your daughter will know & believe in your unconditional love, and finally want to know you.


  3. It is a peculiar feeling that comes along with finding out something incredibly personal about someone in such an impersonal way.

    This is something I hadn’t even considered in my semi-fears about the Internet. Although some friends have discovered things about me (feelings, mostly, stuff I have trouble expressing out loud) via my blog. I get how strange this must be for you, to learn something so personal and important about the daughter you love and long to know.

    I ditto others’ comments about how lucky she is to have you, and how even more lucky she will be once she lets you into her life.

    You are correct. Some of my hesitancy is age/generation. Like people my parents’ age being afraid to use an ATM. I didn’t have to be dragged to use a computer. I love email and all that is at my fingertips thanks to the Internet. And yet I am wary…

    Will give some more thought to that.

  4. Yes, isn’t it shocking to find out personal things of that nature on the internet?
    I’ve had a series of similar shocks like that, nothing will surprise me any more.
    I found out via the internet, that my sons amom had died, and his adad was gay, that my sons girlfriend was pregnant, that my son was getting married. It is a particular feeling like you say.

    I could handle it, but it’s pretty wild to find out via the web.

    Like Susie said above, maybe she is embracing her authentic self, that is actually good, and in a round about way, she’ll find her way back to you. JMO.


  5. Nothing at all inspiring to say except we should all be so lucky to have the type of unconditional love your daughter has from you. I continue to pray she opens up to you soon…

  6. It looks like I have a lot of catching up to do. As always, I love you, love reading what you have to say and love the mother that you are to your daughter. XOXO

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