Many thanks to all of you that commented here at the blog or wrote me privately about my finding out that my daughter is gay, queer, bi or whatever.Â I say that because only she knows how she wants to classify herself and from what I read she does not like “bi-sexual” yet she does date men and women but does not say gay, lesbian or the like. The closest I have come is queer femme.
I must give a massive shout out to Thorn of MotherIssues for her insightful emails to me. My approach to things that are new and/or startle or upset me is to attack them intellectually first. I have a massive, almost overwhelming desire to UNDERSTAND something first, for it to make logical sense to me,Â and then I let the emotional side of things join the party. Thorn was able to give me the perfect blend of academic/theory explanations mixed with compassion and caring . She also had understanding of the complexities of the situation for me.Â Exactly what I want to be for my daughter. Educated yet compassionate.
While I dont judge alternative lifestyles, I admit I dont necessarily understand them either. If my child is leading one for now or forever, I want to understand it so that I never judge it. Does that make sense?Â In my experience most judgement comes from a place of fear and lack of knowledge (or those lovely things called gods and religions). I have no fear of becoming gay, no fear that my sons will (and if they do, so what) no fear that my daughters choices in partners will somehow change my life.Â I do admit to a lack of knowledge on “queer theory”, on what it feels like to be a LGBTQIA in the US, what it feels like to come out, to question your sexual identity, and more. That lack of knowledge could easily make me judgemental or lack compassion. I dont ever want to be that way. For that very reason I found myself tremendously grateful to those who shared their personal experiences with me.
I do want to openly answer a question sent to me privately via email.Â The question was:
“DO I blame myself for my daughter being gay?”
I will admit to laughing at the question upon my initial read and then answering, out loud, to myself in my dining room “hell no”.Â To suggest there is a need to “blame” someone is to me, again, to suggest there is something WRONG with being gay and therefore someone, anyone (me, her, her adoptive parents, those women who seduced her, those men who failed her, etc.) should accept blame and even perhaps be punished.
There is no blame to be had.
I encourage anyone interested to once again listen to Matthew West’s Song “There’s Only Grace”.Â Better yet, watch the this video on youtube. (Yes, shockingly, its a religious song…and that generally makes me vomit a bit in my throat but this song..the lyrics..must be heard and felt .. regardless of the religious overtones..just skip over all that sin stuff and the fact he is a christian singer..assuming that bugs you).
For my daughter, for her choices, for her life, there is only grace, only love.