10 Years Since I Found Her

Today is the 10 year anniversary of finding my daughter.  In reflecting I recall an arch of excitement, hope, fear, anxiety followed by disappointment, anger, sadness.

These days the primary emotion is a dull weight of  sadness. No longer do I suffer the extreme emotions. There is just a dull presence, always dragging me a bit slower than I want to be, distracting my thoughts at times I am trying to think of other things.  I still suffer nightmares, a teeny bit of depression and can still be easily triggered.  Mostly, its just this dull sadness.  A paperweight on my soul.

That being said, I have no regrets in finding her. While I still wish she had wanted to know me, I realize I have more than many mothers still searching desperately to know the status of their children.

I still smile and remember the frenzy of that day, phone calls with my sister, emails and phone calls with Jean (who dug up my daughters college email), falling off my chair at work and vomiting and crying in the ladies room at work. I remember her first email back to me, short, cool, matter of fact.  The waiting for the next email, the upset stomach for days, the racing thoughts and inability to focus on my daily life.  Long ago yet still yesterday.

Happy anniversary to me.


3 Thoughts.

  1. Happy anniversary Suz.
    You are one year younger than my raised daughter.
    My “found “daughter and I have been in reunion almost 9 years – in a couple of weeks exactly.
    To remind you, I turned a social worker away several years before my daughter called me herself.
    If we had any idea the amount of hurt we cause another person through no fault of their own, we probably would not be able to stand it. I don’t know how my daughter had the courage the guts the forging forward to develop the strength to call me herself and face being rejected again. But she did. And in that interim of misery where just the thought of her would have me weeping and needing to lie down, I learned a few things. very few things, but enough few things to be completely shockingly dumbfounded and overjoyed when she called me herself. It hasn’t made reunion easy. It’s easy now, but I continued to cause her a lot of pain because of fear on my part. fear of being outed fear of being shamed fear of embarrassment. I don’t know how she stood it, but she is a very generous person. Very generous very patient very kind very understanding. Also she was older when we finally connected. She was 34. I think my inability to face reunion allowed her to grow up. She has said she didn’t think it would have been so successful if we had made it earlier.
    I know for sure it wouldn’t have been good. And What s so infuriating to me about me is that I could be so disturbed about that experience, and yet unable to get help. Unable to speak about it. I’m sorry you don’t have the kind of reunion you deserve.
    But I have learned a lot from you and I admire you and I know if I knew you I would love you. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every person could somehow find the healing to be open to love their child or to love their mother..
    Happy anniversary Suz. I wish I had known about you nine years ago it would’ve helped a lot. Nevertheless you’ve helped me immensely. I hope your tenth year brings good things your way

  2. The joy in your face and voice and that you chose to share your discovery with me is a special memory. It’s hard to believe it’s been 10 years already. <3

    • Sandy – you made me smile just now as I reflected on that memory myself. I remember putting in the class reunion booklet i was so gleeful! “Oh, and Sandy, I FOUND HER!”. i was indeed so joyful and hopeful back then. a different me than I am today. bittersweet memory.

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