Today is the 10 year anniversary of finding my daughter. Â In reflecting I recall an arch of excitement, hope, fear, anxiety followed by disappointment, anger, sadness.
These days the primary emotion is a dull weight of Â sadness. No longer do I suffer the extreme emotions. There is just a dull presence, always dragging me a bit slower than I want to be, distracting my thoughts at times I am trying to think of other things. Â I still suffer nightmares, a teeny bit of depression and can still be easily triggered. Â Mostly, its just this dull sadness. Â A paperweight on my soul.
That being said, I have no regrets in finding her. While I still wish she had wanted to know me, I realize I have more than many mothers still searching desperately to know the status of their children.
I still smile and remember the frenzy of that day, phone calls with my sister, emails and phone calls with Jean (who dug up my daughters college email), falling off my chair at work and vomiting and crying in the ladies room at work. I remember her first email back to me, short, cool, matter of fact. Â The waiting for the next email, the upset stomach for days, the racing thoughts and inability to focus on my daily life. Â Long ago yet still yesterday.
Happy anniversary to me.