Family Follows

I wonder what he was thinking. Was it just curiosity or did he hope she might talk to him? Did he message her and introduce himself? If he did, did she respond? Did she rebuff him and give him the same explanation she has given me? She is not effected by her adoption, she has one family and he is not related to her?

I won’t ask of course. I made an agreement with myself years ago that I will not broker those relationships. He is her cousin and he has a right to know her and reach out to her even if she has no desire to know him. She has a right to know him or not and any explanation she gives is a reflection of her, not me.

Yet, I will admit curiosity. I was mildly stunned for just a second when I saw his handle having “liked” one of her posts. I did not know he even knew who she was. I have no idea what his mother, my sister, has said to her children about the loss of my first born, their oldest cousin, from our family. Again, not my business, not my brokering to do. Yet, the situation indirectly is about me, so I am curious.

I suspect my sister shared a recent picture with the kids. My sister is the only family member I discuss her with. She is the only family member that sees my pain and allows it to be. She does not try to diminish it. She lets it be. I am glad it was her child that found her. Seems somehow appropriate since that sister helped me find my daughter.

What has she told her children? Maybe something innocent like “hey, do you want to see what your cousin you do not know looks like?” Maybe she told them her name. Maybe a picture I shared with my sister had her handle on it. I do not know. (Again, not brokering). I do know I shared the blue hair pic but I made sure to strip off identifying details. It bugs me that I do that. I am respecting her privacy I tell myself. I am supporting her need for her version of the story. Half the time I feel this is the correct thing to do. The other half time? I believe it is the wrong thing to do. In supporting her version of reality I deny my own.

I did message my sister and tell her I noticed it. She responded with “interesting” and the exchanged ended there. Well, actually, it ended after I said ‘I am okay with it, I was just a bit startled when I saw it”.

My nephew, my oldest son’s favorite cousin, has followed my sons half-sister he does not know on an social media account.

So odd.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Your post as always was very interesting. I’d like to comment about a peripheral experience. You mentioned your sister knows and has been supportive of your surrender and tries to acknowledge your suffering or at least is mindful of it. In my situation, when I was finally able to tell people about my daughter, and that was several months after she called me , my revelation was met with interest and intrigue. Yes they were curious. While I was practically on life-support. I still harbored so much shame and grief over the fact that I had had a baby that was adopted. It still makes me weepy and she was born 44 years ago. I remember reading about sister relationships and sometimes the adopted person has a closer relationship with a sibling or even an aunt, than they do with the original mother, for whatever reason -she’s damaged or they just don’t feel close to her. And I remember thinking oh my gosh I am so happy that would never happen to me. I am one of five sisters and also have three brothers. And I just felt so relieved that that kind of usurping of my position would never happen. ugh.., Not so fast. As time went on one of my sisters ,who is always full of gushing love because it’s how she gets her way, really made an effort to befriend, pay attention to and take over my daughter to the point of her wanting to achieve favored nation status. I also think she has the jones for my daughters husband. And perhaps thinking they could be instrumental in her own children’s lives. And I think there’s the delusion that the newly found person is a contemporary because they’re young adults and attractive and interesting hopefully and so my siblings felt they were not only in a relationship with a new family member but someone they could feel a close link to even though there’s a big age difference ( and not so big too, my brothers are 8 and 11 yrs older).
    I have had to push back a bit which I am so willing to do. I think sibling rivalry is definitely involved. I’ve felt my sister’s unconscious motive is that if my daughter really knew her and how sparkly awesome she was, she’d prefer her. Sort of “thanks for the heavy lifting , I’ll take it from here.”
    Also these family members suffer none of the emotional damage the mother has , so,,… “Lighten up!!! Let her wallow over there all needy and desperate, we will just go have fun and enjoy ourselves and be part of a new posse- we’re cooler anyway!!!!”
    My family has been very welcoming to my daughter, I’m very grateful, but this one sister put on the full-court press. And I don’t appreciate it!!!! hope that makes sense.

    • Ohh, so much to comment on here Katrina. You may have prompted another post. Let me share the following.

      I have two sisters. The one I reference here was 13 at the time I got pregnant. We shared a room. She heard me crying myself to sleep everynight. No one told her what was going on, why her sister was crying all the time. To this day I really do not know what she was told or when, but eventually she was. As she alludes to in the poem she wrote, my mother told her five months after I left the home when my mother came to sit by my side as I signed my child over to strangers. To the extent I can trust anyone in my family to handle my trauma delicately, I trust this sister. She gets it more than the remainder of the family does.

      I have another sister and well, without saying too much, I will say that I have similar thoughts on my sister (as you mention about your sparkly awesome one.). I get it.

    • Had to comment even more so. Favored nation status made me laugh. So did jones. And did you know your daugher is a few years younger than me? That always strikes me so odd for some reason (mom friends with kids my age).

  2. Suz, I do know you are a few years older than my daughter, and coincidentally my youngest child, also a girl is just a year older than your daughter. She was born 1985.
    Also I’m wondering because we are on the topic of sisters, if you have read the poem “I wish I had more sisters”, by Brenda Shaughnessy. It was in the New Yorker, and it is profound. I sent it to my sisters, “sparkle” wrote back saying “oh that is so sweet.” I responded I didn’t think that was the message. I highly recommend the poem. and sisters of course, could be real sisters, or sorority sisters, or a sisterhood of friends etc. Nevertheless it’s one amazing piece of work.

    • WOW!Katrina! Quite the coincidence with your daughters ages/me.

      Sparkle is cracking me up. I have to write you privately to share more. You will soooo understand where I am coming from. Not familiar with the poem. I will look it up. Candidly, despite being sort of on a good plane with the younger sister, I have really never felt very close/”sisters” to any female. My relationship with my mother was so strained, with my family, another woman took my child and cut me out of her life, etc. I am a bit, um, hesitant with females. I do not trust them much. I find that sad.

  3. Lots of things to comment on here. I always have and always will consider your daughter my niece and am always sharing with my kids new photos that I come across of their cousin. I don’t give a rat’s ass by whom or where she was raised. She is my sister’s daughter and therefore, my children’s cousin. Not that I stalk her, but every once and a while I think of her and will look her up. Corbin asked me her name and if he could follow her on Insta and I said sure (in that split second remembering a conversation you and I had in the past regarding this very situation). He found her photos to be cool and edgy and wondered if she would follow him. I told him I honestly didn’t know.

    Interesting that it was on his birthday that I located that photo of her on line.

    I don’t know what’s different about me – I guess maybe it comes down to that I will never pretend to know what it has been for you. I just love you.

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