Going THERE (sort of)

One of the very many topics I have avoided writing much about here is that, oh, birth father topic.  I have felt loyal to him, to her, protective of them and to some extent, embarrassed and ashamed at how I handled things, how I was treated and more.

The longer my reunion goes as a non-reunion, I find my feelings of loyalty and protectiveness over my daughter and what is considered “her story” waning.  I now feel capable of sharing certain aspects and believe I can do so being fully respectful of him and her. This is particularly true if I focus on MY feelings and my behavior. It is also a painful, but very true statement, that this blog may be the only channel of my life my daughter tunes into.  I feel the need to be informative, yet consciously deliberate and still a tad cautious.

Not only do I feel that I am finally THERE because of some sort of personal growth or maturation process but I finally feel I have permission to go there. By permission I mean permission from my partner.

My ex husband was very threatened and disturbed at the mention of my daughters father. It was taboo.  So I pushed it down.  I could not discuss him with my husband and I needed to, desperately to get these feelings OUT.  My darling Rich has no such concerns. He can (and has) listened to me tell the story of my daughters father over and over. He understands the deep love I had for birth dad, hes seen the photos, the pile of love letters, the poems and stories,  he understands the depth of the pain that relationship caused me and most importantly, he realizes it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM OR OUR RELATIONSHIP. Processing, sharing, grieving over what never was does not (unless you let it) have to diminish what is. Seeing me, ALL OF ME, deepens our relationship, not weakens it.

As a result of finally having this growth, and this permission, I am going to go THERE (sort of).  I am going to use this to educate others on the depth of feelings some mothers have for their children’s fathers as well as the far reaching effects that severed relationship has on future relationships (my first marriage for example). I am also using it as possible fodder for a book I have in the works.

Before I start this, I want to share a video with you. Listen to this video. Absorb Adele’s voice and take in the lyrics. When you do that, realize that I could have written that, sung it to my daughters father, a man I was deeply in love with for more than half my life, the father of my first born child, my first love, a man that I had three separate affairs with. One before our daughter was born and two afterwards, spanning more than 20 years.


10 Thoughts.

  1. Wow. That song was amazing. I am going straight to ITunes to purchase it.

    Very powerful piece, Suz. This is the other side of the adoption coin many of us don’t talk about, the relationship with the father of the children we placed for adoption.

    Your pain is still palpable in your writing, and in the song you chose to tell of your feelings for this man that you love(d). Very brave, very soulful.

    Rich is amazing. I am so happy the two of you found each other.

    • SHU – I highly recommend both of Adele’s albums. Check out Rumor Has it, Rolling in the Deep, Waiting Tables, Set Fire to Rain and others.Good stuff.

    • Me either on knowing of her until Suz turned me onto her music, GREAT voice, good stuff!!!

    • Not sure I would say “healing” Sandy (but I realize why you, as a mental health professional do). I prefer acceptance. To me healing implies I will be okay with the loss of my daughter and the surrounding events. I know I will never be. But I will accept them and integrate them as they are into my life.

  2. Awww ladies, thank you all for the kind/sweet sentiments…made me tear up..
    Suz, great post, more, more, more… : )

  3. Wow Suz I can relate… this song is so powerful. I agree with you that it’s pretty near impossible to “heal” from such a horrific experience. I’ve done a lot of work trying to “heal” over the years and I think you’re right – the best we can hope for is to accept that we can’t change the past and then the integration of the loss into who we are. I just don’t see how I can heal from having my very soul raped and plundered…

  4. I have first mother friends who still love the father of their lost child/children, who was the ultimate love of their lives, even though they’ve loved again and married. That is not my experience. Yes, I thought I loved him, but it was more about getting married, having that life, having a family… then BOOM! It blew up in my face. And well, we all know what happened after that. I have since loved others much more than I did him. If we had married, it wouldn’t have lasted. I’m clear on that.

    Perhaps I am fortunate not to have that first love, emotional connection to him. My thoughts of him are of betrayal and pain, instead of love.

    That said, if it had been my very first love in high school, if it had happened with him, I think I’d feel much like you do, Suz. It took me years to get over him, continued to affect me even after the birth of my son. So I do get it.

    I’m so glad that you have a safe, loving place to express all of this with Rich. He’s something! That I know. My husband is the same way. I can talk about what happened, without jealousy or weirdness. We are clear that both of us loved another (or multiple others) before we met and married.

    I’m glad you have the freedom to work though this stuff, as you said “sort of.” Completely healing, not likely, but I think eventually it brings some sort of acceptance and peace.

  5. Ah Suz,

    I love that song!

    Rich sounds like a wonderful man. I am so happy you have him in your life.

    I look forward to the posts yet to come to learn more. As one who is still happily married to the First Dad of my son, I’m always curious of others stories in that area.

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