Feel This

Yet another great read on dealing with grief, this time from Megan Devine.

How can you make them understand? The challenge of translating grief.

Can you imagine a world where we could get others, friends, family members, adoptive parents both current and prospective, to FEEL the grief we feel every minute of the day? Would it change anything for us? For them?

If we could Powder-like transfer the life long grief felt by mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption to prospective adopters, would they still adopt? Maybe so.

If we could transfer the agony some adoptees feel to prospective adopters, would they feel so fabulous about taking that child from his or her family of origin and re-branding it as their own?

Read Megan’s article at her blog.

Your Scars are Real

I have to share more Tim Lawrence with you. As with previous shares I believe this will resonate with the adoption community, particularly those members who are told they should be grateful they lost their first family and were adopted or those like me who were told by psychiatric professonals that I should consider myself lucky that someone wanted to care for the child “born to a girl like me”.

Your Loss Is Not A Test: The Scars Of Loss

A few excerpts:

We fail to realize that loss always breaks a part of our heart, and leaves a scar. Your scars cannot be numbed away, fucked away, binged away, or thought away with happy affirmations. No matter how hard you try to avoid them, they will always be there.

This running, avoiding, and shaming are responsible for so much suffering it’s unbelievable. It’s one of the great scandals of our age, though we treat it as if it’s perfectly normal. We’ve allowed ourselves to be co-opted into believing an utterly ridiculous set of lies: that loss is something to be ashamed of, that it’s negative, that it’s curable, that it should be let go, that it has to happen to “teach” us, and on and on. – Tim Lawrence

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It all hurts. It is insane to buy in to the myth that it shouldn’t hurt, or that it should only hurt under strict parameters, or that if it does hurt, it should be expressed privately and alone.

This is bullshit. You don’t have to believe any of it. Ever. – Tim Lawrence

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Read the entire post at Tim’s blog, The Adversity Within.

Emotional Jenga Tower

I did not write much.  I submitted a few contributions, read the posts of others and commented when a piece resonated with me.  Most of all, I enjoyed reading the prompts.  Odd, I suppose, to sign up for a course that expected you to write about your grief and all you do is read the writing prompts.   One might suggest I wasted my time or money taking Megan Devine’s Writing Your Grief course.  They would be wrong.  I may not have been writing but I was certainly ruminating. Her course and her prompts stirred things inside me even if those things never made it to my keyboard.

I realized, again, that I am at where I am at with my grief. It has not been better or worse for several years now. I am not currently expecting it to change nor am I actively working toward a change. It is what it is, as trite as that phrase may be. I am okay with it…just being there.  This may be where I stay, at least for now.  It may change if my daughter ever decides to meet me.  It may not. Time will tell.

I found Megan and her course via Tim Lawrence incredible post Everything Doesn’t Happen for a Reason.  The course description (and Megan’s blog and personal story) intrigued me so I signed up. I did so early on with the expectation that it was going to help me grieve more, have some incredible epiphany and improve my life.  It did none of those things and yet this is not for lack of trying.

Jenga_distorted Each block in the tower of grief is a different painful aspect of my adoption surrender and lack of reunion experience.  Over the years, through this blog and other avenues, I have taken one piece out here or there.  Every so lightly I reach into my wounded soul and pull out a piece of my pain.  I observe it, turn it over and under, and feel the texture of the block of pain.  There are times I share the extracted block with others and other times I quickly dispose of it off the table of my life.  With each removed block, the tower of grief is less powerful and wobbles a bit however the foundation is still there and will always be there.  If  the emotional Jenga tower should fully topple, the foundation will still be secure on the surface of my soul.   I am oddly okay with that. It is not going away.

To learn more about Megan Devines Writing Your Grief course, visit her site – Refuge in Grief.