Your Scars are Real

I have to share more Tim Lawrence with you. As with previous shares I believe this will resonate with the adoption community, particularly those members who are told they should be grateful they lost their first family and were adopted or those like me who were told by psychiatric professonals that I should consider myself lucky that someone wanted to care for the child “born to a girl like me”.

Your Loss Is Not A Test: The Scars Of Loss

A few excerpts:

We fail to realize that loss always breaks a part of our heart, and leaves a scar. Your scars cannot be numbed away, fucked away, binged away, or thought away with happy affirmations. No matter how hard you try to avoid them, they will always be there.

This running, avoiding, and shaming are responsible for so much suffering it’s unbelievable. It’s one of the great scandals of our age, though we treat it as if it’s perfectly normal. We’ve allowed ourselves to be co-opted into believing an utterly ridiculous set of lies: that loss is something to be ashamed of, that it’s negative, that it’s curable, that it should be let go, that it has to happen to “teach” us, and on and on. – Tim Lawrence

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It all hurts. It is insane to buy in to the myth that it shouldn’t hurt, or that it should only hurt under strict parameters, or that if it does hurt, it should be expressed privately and alone.

This is bullshit. You don’t have to believe any of it. Ever. – Tim Lawrence

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Read the entire post at Tim’s blog, The Adversity Within.

2 Thoughts.

  1. And not only is the running, avoiding, and shaming bullshit ~ it has caused so much collateral damage I could write a book about it. All of that, along with the deep denial that my mind and soul had to go into did allow me to survive (because I truly believe that if I had felt the depth of the loss when I lost Christopher, I would either be a drug addict or a suicide victim) but the collateral damage stretches far beyond just me. My kids (all of them), my husband, my parents & in-laws, hell ~ everyone in my life really.

  2. On the other side of the equation, we first mothers are often told that to search for our children is “selfish,” and that “we are interrupting someone else’s life” when we should leave them alone. The implication is that we “have no business” seeking our child because “we made the decision” and our feelings years later are the greedy thoughts of a selfish person.

    What they really want is the status quo left alone. What they know about adoption is nothing. What they are doing is needlessly cruel.

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