Fostering Lies

“The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie” – Ann Landers

I stumbled upon an adoption blog that had commenters talking about domestic infant adoption, foster care and the use of it once a child has been taken from their mother.

In the commentary there were several adoptees and adoptive parents agreeing that mothers knew their children were going to be fostered and for them to deny it would be just plain, well, assinine. Because, as they all know, mothers who surrender their children are just plain stupid assinine liars who deny knowledge when it suits them. Furthermore, adoption is so ethical in the United States and mothers are told everything they need to know. Are we really expected to believe they did not know their child would be put into foster care? Pfft. Girlfriend, puhlease.

I couldnt read much of the commentary for doing so stabbed me somewhere between my superior vena cava and my right atrium.  I clicked away from that blog so quickly I likely left skids marks on one of my mozzilla windows.

Lying about foster care was part of the Kurtz agency casewrecker tool box. Foster care was a dirty word that brought about images of naked children in soiled diapers living in housing  projects and eating roaches off the walls in between sessions of chewing lead paint off of windows.  Foster care meant many children in cribs cared for by overweight smokers who let the infants “cry it out”.

Not having your child go to foster care was yet another carrot the agencies dangled to get you to sign sooner, quicker and with better handwriting.  Not having your child be fostered was yet another perk of working with the Kurtz agencies. They had those “connections”.  Here sign now. This is a no-foster care time limited offer.

I cannot count the number of mothers that have told me that they believed, completely, that the day they walked out of the hospital, the Uber parents walked right in and scooped up the mothers baby, stuck a new name and birth certificate on the tiny chest and flew off to a McMansion in Upper saddle River, New Jersey.

I have had more mothers than I would like call me and share the horror and pain of finding out their child was not placed with Mr. and Mrs. Uber but rather were put..well..SOMEWHERE… in IL…with someone…

I have spent many late nights on the phone with mothers waking up to the reality of the lies that were told to them so that their precious child could be sold to a Kurtz client. I have spent similar nights with other mothers in the midst of panic attacks caused by thinking, for hours, “WHERE WAS MY BABY!!”

I have held the grieving shoulders of mothers shaking from the reality that they left their child…somewhere…with strangers…after they were told they were going to live with The Ubers.

I have felt their spittle land on my own face as they scream in anger at me at what was done to them and their child.

Not only have I talked, held, and been spat on by those mothers, I am one of those mothers.

Recall the sole reason I had to be taken from my home state of CT and sent to IL was because according to the agency my state had archaic adoption laws that required children to be fostered for a year before they were placed. This was a lie.  The truth was that to get my child Kurtz had to get me out of the State of Connecticut. It had nothing to do with foster care BUT they saw my reaction to the foster care statement. Furthermore, if I had stayed close to home, close to my parents, my boyfriend, their chances of getting my child for sale decreased each day my pregnant belly increased.  I had to leave CT and I had to leave because of foster care.

Imagine my own horror when I discover, a few years ago that my daughter did not go immediately to her personal set of Ubers, but rather was fostered by a family in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago. Imagine how I felt when an Easter House adoptee I was helping to find her mother tells me that her adoptive parents fostered hundreds of Easter House babies. Imagine further how I feel when she produces a photo album of all those children and my own child’s face is among the collection?

To those commenter’s I scrambled away from, I offer the cold hard truth that mothers did not know their children were being fostered. The adoption industry and prospective adopters depend on such deceit and mass cover ups.

For what is the alternative? Tell the mothers the truth? Tell them that their child will go to strangers for some indeterminate length of time in some unknown residence and eventually be placed with Ubers? Tell them that if their baby coughs too much, displays the slightest health problem while in foster care, they may stay there longer because they will be considered “unadoptable”. Tell the mothers that their tiny three day old infants will spend critical bonding time not with them, not with Ubers, but with somebody else, somewhere else and while they are doing their best to wrap their tiny finger around a strangers hand the clock is ticking to take them away again to even more strangers?

Equally interesting to ponder is a question to adoptees. What if you really believed that your mother was lied to? What then? Might you have to believe she indeed loves you and is not some evil doer that abandons children to strangers?  Might you have to believe that hey, you are fabulous and loved and wonderful and your mother did not in fact discard you like yesterdays twinkie wrapper?

And to adoptive parents, how do you feel when you learn that your agency lied to your child’s mother just so you could have that bundle of joy? Just so they could have that money you obtained by refinancing your home?

There is evil here, no doubt.  But rarely, if ever, is the evil in the heart of the mothers.

At least not in the hearts of the mothers I know.

Nor in mine.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Suz,

    I lost my son in 66 to a closed adoption system. The worker didn’t tell me my son was going into foster care, that I could visit him there no those were important facts that were left out to make the workers job easier. After, all she was working to get my baby for another woman. I was just the by product and my baby the commodity.

    I didn’t KNOW that he was fostered till I found him 26 years later. Any person that thinks this is alright and ok and NOT an abuse is dead wrong!

    ps if I had known the facts, the truth my son wouldn’t have gone to foster care, nor to the person that adopted him. I would have refused to sign papers, more than likely losing him on down the road the same result, as I had no rights, no help, no legal representation or a social worker working for me and my baby.


  2. Very well written, and left me thinking. So much needs to be done to help change what is going on in the world of adoption and Fostercare. Thank you for sharing!


  3. My son was snatched away from me at the moment the cord was cut. NO-ONE told me that he would not be adopted until over a year later! What happened in that year? Well, maybe he was with the people who eventually adopted him — but who knows? Lies and more lies. The only record I have that I believe is the adoption court order, which I have a copy of.

  4. Cedar,

    If adoption is such a great thing, why do they tell so many lies?

    My thoughts are if they didn’t lie mothers would KNOW what was going to happen
    to our baby, and they wouldn’t be able to get the baby to sell to a buyer.

    Anytime a lie is told in adoption that is coercive, period. The practices involved in the
    past and still in the present are coercive and abusive. That is what adoption consists of
    lies, built on lies. I guess those who adopt feel its ok, they will get a baby, and never have the truth known about what really happened and how they were able to get a baby.

    As a mother who had her baby taken, told the lies, I still can’t see how another woman can think this is ok? Guess it doesn’t matter after all someone else will get the baby those that are adopting want, so they might as well take while they can, ugly,
    and disgusting that’s is adoption.

    Adoption isi a human rights violation on all levels, starating with ours and including our newborn baby. Then it continues on to adulthood for the adoptee they are allowed to have any information. Mothers weren’t given anything in regard to the adoption, my records were never given to me. I was able to get the true, accurate birth cert.
    but the adopter has one too the amended one, so her medical is my medical record of live birth, she is listed as giving birth. LIES….LIES, LIES stealing a mothers medical records in order to prove one gave birth is THEFT!

    Adoption=FALSIFIED RECORDS=Equals=Lies


  5. Not only are people using the open adoption carrot to lure in vulnerable mothers, people also get into fostering with the specific intent on adopting. it can all be very one sided. potential adopters make the WORST foster parents and adopters. all the usual myths pervade. it is assumed that if you were a ‘good’ mother the child wouldnt need to be in care. ive experienced this first hand. i grew up in foster care. when adopters do not get the desired outcome from their once bundles pf joys, guess where they end up? back in foster care. but thats ok. cause ex foster wards make great birth mothers. ((insert sarcasm here))

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