â€œIt’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.â€ – Noel Coward
Her parents fostered 78 babies that were placed in the care of the agency I surrendered my daughter to.
A staggering number to me.
While it was over a period of years, the visual image that formed in my head was 78 babies in a room all crying for their mamas. Elsewhere, 78 mothers were feeling the loss of their child. Seventy eight closed files. Seventy eight families forever changed by adoption.
Recovering from the visual image in my head, I found myself aching. Feeling angry and sad and lost again.
I was never told my daughter would go into foster care. Again, more lack of informed consent.
In fact, foster care was one of the many lies that were told to me to get me to surrender to that agency in that state.
When my mother and I asked if I could stay in my home state, we were quickly told â€œnoâ€. I was informed that my home state had cruel adoption laws that required a surrendered child to be left in foster care system for a year before the child could be placed with a family.
This horrified me. Truly horrified me. OMG. It would be bad enough that my child would be without me, but to be passed to strangers not once but twice? And to have a period of a year in between there?
No. Good god. No foster care. Mom, please. Donâ€™t do that to her. If she cannot be with me, please let her go right to her adoptive family home.
And they told me she would IF I flew to Illinois and surrendered her there.
The agency was involved in a legal battle with my home state. My home state had blocked them from taking or placing babies from/into our state due to the agencies illegal practices. Furthermore, the agency wanted to take advantage of Illinois conservative laws. And that could only be done if I gave birth in that state.To get the child in my womb they needed me in a different state.
Did I know this? Was I told this? Were my parents?
That might have caused me to change my mind.
If foster care was required, even for a week or two, why couldnâ€™t she have stayed with me during that time period?
I am going to assume that it was dangerous. We would bond even further. I might change my mind. Maybe I would turn my head on that lawsuit they threatened me with.
Its often too much for me to ponder. It hurts too much.
My lack of self esteem
Why did I ever trust them?
Why didnâ€™t I challenge them?
Who cared for my baby after she left me?
Were they good to her? She told me she was very sick at birth and afterwards. Did she have health problems in foster care?
Those nights that I was alone, having nightmares, hearing a baby crying, was she really crying? Was she crying for me?
I was lied to
She was fostered.
She might have been one of the 78 my new friends family fostered.
One of 78.