“When I first began trying to be myself, I at times felt trapped by my feelings. I thought that I was stuck with feelings I had, that I couldn’t change them, and shouldn’t try to even if I could. I saw many negative feelings inside me that I didn’t want, and yet I felt that I must express them if I were going to be myself.
Since then I have realized that my feelings do change and that I can have a hand in changing them. They change simply by my becoming aware of them. When I acknowledge my feelings they become more positive. And they change when I express them.”
Hugh Prather
on being okay
Moving Forward
“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. ” – Blaine
A dear friend (adoptee around the age of my daughter) has been randomly checking on me since my daughter requested no contact. I smile every time I get a note from this friend as it makes me feel loved and understood and cared for. I told her I am fine. I really am.
For me, in my case, being denied access to my daughter by my daughter isn’t all that life changing. Let me explain.
Sure it makes me sad. Sure I had hoped for something different but the reality is that her telling me to go away is not that different from my parents, the agency, society. I don’t say that for dramatic effect or in the case of boo-hoo poor me, but rather that this is a place I have been before. This is a place I have survived. I am okay. I will be okay.
The difference this time (and it is a huge ginormous difference) is that it was my daughter that “sent me away”. That is oddly enlightening and even a bit empowering. It wasn’t Easter House that said NO. It wasn’t my parents, or her adoptive parents, or some religious institution. It wasn’t some governing body that told me she was better off without me and I without her.
She did.
I am not going to debate the merits of her statements or what might be behind them. I am not going to challenge them or try to say I understand them. I dont. I cannot. I dont know what it is like to be adopted. Only she knows that. I am suggesting that it feels good that SHE is the one in the place of power and not someone else.
Does that make sense?
I offered my daughter her medical history. She doesn’t want it. Nor does she want her OBC, her story, her first family. Sad? Perhaps to me, maybe to you, maybe not to her. But look at the power here. The power that she has that other adoptees don’t. I offered my daughter everything I could and she chose to decline it. She did. Not anyone else. For once in my life since my daughters birth we are defining our relationship. It is not being done by others.
Perhaps I am losing you. It is rather hard for me to explain. I am simply happy that I found her, offered her everything and she had the choice to decline. And she still has the choice to accept in the future. She knows my name, where I live, where I work, the names of her brothers, her father, and more.
Her choice.
We have the chance to define our relationship on our terms not those dictated by others. (Yes, someone may suggest that my daughters decisions are being dictated and influenced by external forces but we don’t know that for sure so we should not assume).
Additionally, quite candidly, I find my situation easy compared to others I know. In my opinion, accepting reunion, working through it, sharing the anger, the feelings, working at the relationship, integrating your dual selves (the mother/notmother and the two sides of the adopted adult), admitting the ugliness that can come with adoption THAT is the hard stuff. What I am dealing with is not hard compared to what many of my friends are working through.
I have unfollowed my daughter on twitter. I took her blog off my feed reader. I took her name off of my google alerts. I took her off my family and friend contacts on Flickr. I concluded I am not sending her any notification at all for her birthday. I will continue my practice of donating in her honor and proceed with the formation of a scholarship fund. But I wont tell her about it. I admit I still randomly visit her blog and her lookbook but I dont comment. I realize she can see her stats and likely CT coming there. Hopefully she sees those going down as I am doing it less and less. Hopefully very soon she will notice I abided by her wishes completely. As I have said before, motherhood does not come with an off switch. However, I am finding for me, it does come with a dimmer switch. I am slowly turning the knob.
And I am okay.
As I have said many times, my daughters refusal to acknowledge me or my love does not cease either from being. I am finding peace in knowing that I have done all I could to date and for now, I am, moving onward, upward and very much forward.
Thanks again to my friend for checking on me.
But it is.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” – Rumi
Osolomama left an amusing link in response to my last post. In that post I shared the fact that my fiancé despises the phrase “It is what it is”.
For me, contrary to what the article suggests, “it is what it is” for me is total acceptance. It is not passive aggressive, it is not stifling anger. It is my version of the serenity prayer. I have the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot change my daughters position. I cannot force her to care, to want, to think about me, to feel that adoption is part of her life. She says it isn’t and therefore I am not. One could attempt to debate this with her, even throw suggestions of denial or adoptee fog into her face, but to what end? To hurt her? Argue with her? Show her I am right and she is wrong?
It is not about right and wrong for me. I know what I know and what I feel. I know what is obvious and true (I gave birth to her, I am her mother, I do love her). The fact that she doesn’t feel that doesn’t change it for me. It does not cease me from being. It does not change my feelings for her.
There is an author named Byron Katie that is known for her book Loving What Is and material known as The Work. The Work is a simple process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause suffering in your world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity. In its most basic form the work contains four basic questions and a turn around. Some might call this reframing and perhaps to some extent it is, just Byron Katies way of doing it.
The questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
The turn around:
Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning). Straight from Byron Katie’s site “After you’ve investigated your statement with the four questions, you’re ready to turn it around (the concept you are questioning). Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you’ve judged have in common. A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, and to the self (and sometimes to “my thinking,” wherever that applies).”
I have thought about this Work, reframing, even the serenity prayer a lot in helping myself to manage the feelings caused by the loss of my daughter, my resulting reunion yet not reunion. I have concluded it is not important what SHE thinks about me, our reunion, etc. It is more important what I think. I control my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. Not her.
As such, I am my daughters first mother. Always have been. Always will be. I will always love her. I will always miss her. I will always want her in my life. Any dispute, challenge, etc from her does not change any of that.
Hence, for me, it is what it is.