Adoption Activism

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Pot Luck

- Suz 6 Comments

Today’s final post on Collateral Damage is a pot luck post. You tell me anything I may have overlooked in relation to the impact adoption surrender had on your life.

It can be anything from your relationships to family and friends, your children, your health, your marriage, you emotional well being.

Next week we will talk about ways to mitigate the damage. Mitigation is the the action of reducing the severity, seriousness, or painfulness of something. If we know surrendering mothers might experience some of these challenges, what can we do to reduce the severity of them post surrender? I realize the obvious mitigation is to avoid surrender completely and preserve the family. However, in the cases where this cannot happen, what can we offer to those expectant mothers prior to surrender?

Finally, managing the damage post surrender. The adoption surrender has already happened. Mother is in throes of post traumatic stress disorder. What improvements need to be made to help mothers manage this? These are all topics for next week.

For today, share your pot luck damage.

Have a great Friday.

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Education & Careers

- Suz 2 Comments

Winding up our week of talking Collateral Damage in adoption, there are two more posts (this being one of them). Next week we will talk mitigation and management of the collateral damage.

This one relates to your career and/or education. Adoption lore suggests one of the many reasons a mother should reliniquish her child to strangers is to enable her to finish college and gain a rewarding career. The inference being that you cannot go to college or get a good job while parenting because well, parenting a child will ruin your life.

So, I ask. Did you go to college? Gain that rewarding career? Or did something else happen? Did you opt to be an at home mom?

Education and Careers Post Surrender

College – If you surrendered young (meaning before or while college age), did you end up going to college post surrender? Did you graduate? How did that work out for you?

Under College Educated vs. Over Educated – If you did not go, did the reason have anything to do with adoption? If you did go, did you pursue higher education relentlessy (as some mothers have) in an effort to well, prove something to yourself or others?

Career – Regardless of your position, do you share your adoption status with your coworkers or colleagues? Do you live in fear of being “found out” professionally? Has adoption surrender (or reunion) impacted your job in any way? Did you choose a career related to adoption or chidren?

Other – Anything related to education, career and adoption you want to share?

Let’s Talk Collateral Damage : Mental Health

- Suz 12 Comments

Yesterday we talked about collateral damage as it related to your extended family and the loss of your child from that family. Today I want to talk first mother mental health. Very technically, one could argue, first mother mental health is not collateral damage since it applies to the original target – the mother. I disagree. I do believe it applies. Let me explain why.

As noted, collateral damage generally applies to “unintentional deaths, injuries, or other damage inflicted incidentally on an unintended target. In military terminology, it is frequently used where non-combatants are unintentionally killed or wounded and/or non-combatant property damage results of an attack on a legitimate military target.” (Wikipedia)

Mothers are most often told that surrendering your child will be a non event in their lives. They will “get over it”. They will “move on” seemingly unscathed. This may be true for some but for many this is not at all the case. Many mothers experience secondary infertility, struggle with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation post surrender. Many, myself included, are diagnosed with PTSD struggling to “get over it” as they were told they would. For this reason, I believe mother’s mental health is collateral damage. Intentional or not, our emotional property damage results.

With that in mind, I ask you to consider your mental health post surrender.

Mental Health

Pre and Post Surrender Counseling – Did you receive counseling prior to surrender that informed you that you might suffer from long term mental health challenges? If so, what were you told might happen? How long was the counseling? Were you given recommendations and resources to follow up post surrender should you experience emotional difficulties?

Post Surrender Resources – If you attempted to find counseling post surrender, were you successful? Did you find mental health professionals to be knowledgeable in the area of adoption grief?

Non Traditional Support Resources – Outside of professional mental help, what other sources of support did you find to be helpful? Please be specific, for example, online support groups, in person support groups, books, etc.

Other – Anything else you would like to share regarding mental health?

As always, thank you for your consideration and sharing. You can comment below if you wish or email me details to bluestokking at gmail dot com.