Meet Megan Devine

I have been devouring Megan Devine lately. I want to share her with you.

Mothers who have lost children to adoption, who grieve today despite losing their child over 30 years ago, and even those who lost their child yesterday may find something good here.

I am surprised with how much Megan’s views have touched me. I am 30 years post the forced surrender of my child. I have had years and years of therapy. I found her. I had other children. I have a good life and good job and yet still, daily, hourly, every second of the day I am find myself sad about the loss of her and her rejection of reunion. These days I feel I am grieving more the loss of reunion than I am the loss of her.


I am not sure. It might be both.

I believe I am okay and then events transpire that send me spiraling back into the abyss of pain and loss and I realize I am not as okay as I thought.

Megan Devine is the latest balm to soothe me. Her words assure me that it okay to not be okay with my daughters adoption, her refusal to know me. It is okay to still be sad thirty years later. Megan’s writing validates my personal belief that I will never be okay with the loss of my daughter. I will never be “healed” (least not in the way others in adoption want me to be).  And as Megan says, that is okay.
There is nothing wrong with me or my ability to function as a contributing member of society merely because I am sad every day over the loss of my child.

Some thoughts from Megan Devine:

“When you hear the pain of the world, it’s not a call to overcome it – it’s not a call to overcome anything. When you hear the pain of the world, it’s a call to love.”

“Why is it that when we speak the truth about what hurts, we’re deemed angry or too negative or not evolved enough?”

“Pain deserves acknowledgement, not repair. We need to start telling new stories about bravery in the face of pain that can’t be fixed.”

“We don’t need new tools for how to get out of grief, we need to learn the skills for how to withstand it. We need to learn to bear witness.”

“The path of bearing witness is the true path of love. You are not helpless in the face of someone’s pain. Hearing someone’s pain and letting them have it is an amazing gift.”

Read more of Megan Devine at her blog Refuge in Grief or watch her video on Vimeo.

4 Thoughts.

  1. This speaks to me as an adoptee too. My natural brother and his wife welcomed a new baby last week. I had high hopes that the presence of a new baby would be quite healing. I’ve been in reunion for 8+ years, some of it quite rocky. I actually found myself very triggered about loss and abandonment and grief. It was a rough week. My teenage daughter and I made the trip to meet the baby yesterday. 350 miles round trip. It was an effort. It turned out to a very good visit and worth every bit of time and energy it took to make the trip. But as I awoke this morning I reflected and know that the work in these reunion relationships will never be “done”. It will never be “all better”. Doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful and loving. I speak out and I share because I need others to understand that about adoption….about me. I endured traumas in my life and they caused me tremendous grief. I will never be “all better” from those experiences.

  2. I can’t speak to the loss of a child versus the loss of reunion, since I’ve been in reunion for almost 19 years. But I suspect it feels like a second loss. Honestly, I felt that again and again during the early years of our reunion, since we had a few periods of estrangement during that time. I do have mother friends whose reunions have gone way astray, and I think that’s just as hard for them as losing their child in the first place. Hugs and I’m glad that Megan’s words help you.

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