"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” – Virginia Satir

I am sad at the loss of her.
I am sad that she had to grow up adopted.
I am sad she grew up an only child.
I am sad that she may have felt rejected, abandoned, unloved, unwanted. She was none of those things.
I am sad that my two other children may never know their sister.
I am sad that certain people in my life continue to be embarrassed and ashamed by me and my experience and the work I do for others.
I am sad she doesn’t want to meet (yet?).
I am sad that my adoption trauma has negatively affected other relationships.
I am sad and mad that I am her dirty secret and she cannot discuss me with her aparents.
I am mad at myself for surrendering her.
I am mad at myself for being ignorant to little ditties like Primal Wound. 
I am mad at the agency for their coercion and intimidation.
I am mad that they threatened to sue me if I did not give her to them. I am mad and sad that I caved and gave in.
I am mad that they lied to me about her going into foster care.
I am mad that they lied to me about her adoption being semi-open (which really means semi-closed). They promised me pictures and updates for her entire life. They never came.
I am mad that I really believed the caseworker liked me and cared about me.
I am mad she used that perceived friendship to take my child from me.
I am mad at the Catholic Church.
I am mad that a country like ours places so little value on the mother child bond and believes it better to remove a child from the breast of its mother and give the child to someone who has a car and home but no breast milk.
I am mad that they agency told her parents that their money was going towards post relinquishment counseling for me. I received none.
I am mad I was never told the legal process.
I am mad that I had no legal representation.
I am mad I was never told of a revocation period.
I am mad that revocation would have never  been honored had I known about it.
I am mad that adults around me in the maternity home knew the truth about my agency but kept it from me.
I am scared at what this may have done to her and what it means to us and our future.
I am scared I may never know her like I want to know her.
I am scared I may never get the chance to meet her.
I am scared that she is angry with me and may stay angry with me forever.

"Well behaved women rarely make history" – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Gee, what a novel idea.

95TH GENERAL ASSEMBLY
State of Illinois
2007 and 2008HB0468

Introduced 2/1/2007, by Rep. Dennis M. Reboletti

SYNOPSIS AS INTRODUCED:

720 ILCS 525/4.1 from Ch. 40, par. 1704.1

Amends the Adoption Compensation Prohibition Act. Provides that an expectant mother may not accept compensation or the payment of reasonable medical or hospital expenses or reasonable living expensesfrom 2 or more persons not residing within the same household who have been promised the surrender or the consent to adoption of the same child for whom the mother expects to give birth. Provides that a violation is a Class 4 felony for a first offense and a Class 3 felony for a subsequent offense.

Even more interesting….

95TH GENERAL ASSEMBLY
State of Illinois
2007 and 2008HB0653

Introduced 2/6/2007, by Rep. Sara Feigenholtz

SYNOPSIS AS INTRODUCED:

325 ILCS 2/20
325 ILCS 2/35
325 ILCS 2/50

Amends the Abandoned Newborn Infant Protection Act. Provides that  if the parent of a newborn infant comes to the hospital, where his or her newborn infant has been transported after the parent relinquished the infant to a fire station, emergency medical facility, or police station, to reclaim the infant within 72 hours of relinquishing the infant, the hospital must return the infant to the parent or, if the
infant has already been discharged to the Department or child-placing agency, inform the parent of the name, location, and contact number of the Department or child-placing agency. Provides that the
information packet given to a parent who is relinquishing a newborn child shall include written notice that a parent has the right to return and reclaim an abandoned infant within 72-hours of relinquishing the infant. Prohibits a fire station, emergency medical facility, or police station from disclosing any information concerning the relinquishing of the infant except to the hospital to which the infant is being transferred, to medical personnel involved in the transfer of the child to the hospital, or to the parent of the child. Effective immediately.

Now, I am a fan of Representative Feighenholtz. Shes an adoptee herself and has done much to change Illinois Legislation. But this particular bill makes me wonder why it may be permissable to abandon your child at a firestation, change your mind with 72 hours and get your child back BUT the same does not seem to be the case for adoption surrender?

Of course, I think of Stephanie Bennett and Alison Quets, and while I realize they are not IL cases, I wonder what message is being sent by making it legal to abandon your child but then get him/her back but not safely place them with an agency and then change yourrmind?  Seems a little off, no? I must write to Representative Feigenholtz.  Shes doing great stuff. Read more and go to page 46.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.

"We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart." -  Blaise Pascal

As always, a must read by the dear Robin. Been there, done that, felt that.

Thank you to Robin for sharing. 

"I found what I was looking for, though, in both the weekend with my sisters and my visit to the place of my second great sadness. I know what we all have lost and we moms have not just lost our babies. We lost the adult children we would have had because the ones with whom we reunite have been altered from their natural course and influenced by other forces. No wonder the adult adoptee is so conflicted. If I had spent my life being "adjusted" to fit in with a clan that was not my natural fit, I would be confused and pissed as well. We, also, were forever altered by our loss and our mistreatment by those we should have been able to trust."

Read the entire post at Motherhood Deleted.