The word for the day seems to be “authentic” as I was reminded of it not once but twice today.
Say This But Not That
In her earlier comment on my Atelaphobia post, Maryanne suggests I have damaged my relationship/possible reunion chances with my daughter by speaking out so publicly about my experience. I have been mindful about how much information I share here despite the fact that others find it too much or in some cases, not enough. The inference here is that if I want to meet my daughter I should keep my feelings to myself or say nicer things about adoption.
Refer to Jenna’s recent post again for thoughts on this. What Maryanne alludes to has come up many times in the more than ten years I have been blogging or speaking at conferences. You can search this blog and find many posts that speak to voice, using my voice, sharing my thoughts and the possible impact on my reunion.
I am genuinely okay with all I have shared on my blog through the years. I stand by it, my feelings, my words, my experience. Nothing has been embellished, made up, or intentionally vengeful (as some blogs are). My name is my real name. I am not hiding behind a made up persona. My words may be raw and painful for some, but it was never my intent to “damage” my daughter or my chances at reunion. Is it possible I did? Of course. It is also possible that the reasons my daughter does not want to meet have nothing at all do with this blog. Only she knows.
I am teetering on the edge of repeating myself but want to ask the question again.
How do we (mothers or adoptees) make change if we do not share our experiences? Equally important, what message do we inadvertently send to our children if we keep things to ourselves? If I do not share my very real feelings with you, do I not tell you, even indirectly, that your feelings are not welcome to be shared with me?
Please Remove Me
It has happened numerous times over the years. Each time it does, I am annoyed but not necessarily for the reasons you might expect. This is how it plays out.
“Hi Suz. Friend here. Been a while since we spoke. Hope you are doing well. Writing to ask you if you will remove all my comments for the last ten years from your blog. See, I mistakenly used my real name and now my clients/friends/parents/etc. are googling me. They do not like my position on adoption and my connection to you. They feel my position is too strong and it makes them uncomfortable. Could you spend some time removing all references to me from your blog? I do not want them to read my thoughts and I do not want to be connected to you.”
In every single case this has occurred the request has come from an adoptee, almost all of them now working professionally in the adoption industry.
I understand (well, sort of) their conflict. I have had those professional situations as well (see this post and this post). Where I struggle, maybe I should say what makes me sad, is the fact that in all cases these individuals genuinely believe what they have posted on my blog over the years, their thoughts have not changed, but they must pretty up their online presence for the comfort of others.
If we continue to make adoption look pretty and comfortable for others, can we ever make progress?
What would happen if the world truly spoke honestly about the pros and very real cons of adoption? Why is our kneejerk reaction is always “Ooh, sorry, did not mean to make you uncomfortable. Let me sweep my own feelings under this rug here so you can be more comfortable in your position”.
What if we said something like “I understand my feelings make you uncomfortable. How about we talk about them and how they differ from yours and why.”
Am I too idealistic? Delusional? Something else?
Photo credit: Joanna Fisher