“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.â€ – J. Donald Walters
I want to know what adoption denial and avoidance feels like.
Is it something one has to work at or does it come naturally? As in, you are so much in denial you dont know you are in denial? Or do you know you are denying something and choose to recite some sort of chant to yourself over and over? Something perhaps like “she is not my child. she is not my child. she is not my child. ” or “i only have one mother. i only have one mother.”
I am fabulously irritated this week at mothers and children that deny each other. Dear friends of mine have been having VERY hard times with their mothers in reunion or their children that fail to respond to them. I am particularly close to one of the adoptees in question and I want to scream at and backhand her mother that is ignoring her.
Of course, I know this feeling too and I can cite any number of textbook reasons for this denial and avoidance (all good and valid, btw) but what does it feel like? Does it take work? Is it like a addict trying to stay sober? Do you take your denial one day at a time?
If you are an adoptee refusing to answer your mothers emails, not accepting presents, etc. does this drain you or is it something that comes easily?
If you are a mother denying contact with your child (something I will NEVER understand), does that bother you? At all? Is it something that you carry around and have to work on? Is there like a kumbaya denial song you sing to yourself?
I dont get it.
And I kinda want to. For I am thinking (perhaps foolishly) that if I understand what it felt like, it might irritate me less.
I might be able to explain it to my friends that are hurting so much.
I might be able to make myself feel better too.