On Closing My Blog

"Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious…” – Michael Stipe

Over the past few months, I have given serious thought to shutting down this blog.  I ponder the root cause and possible effect of doing so for days and without fail, every single time I lean towards shutting this down, I get a private email from a reader that has never commented telling me how much they learn from my blog, offering me support and encouragement and thanking me.

This will forever astound me. It is like strangers in cyberspace are in my head and know that I am thinking of shutting this down and they rally and send me thoughts that prevent me from executing on the shutdown.

(Lauren, you were the most recent one to do this).

I am still pondering the shut down. I don't like blogging this because I feel it will cause all these people to come out and say "Don't go." I am not after any warm fuzzies or validation for who I am or what I do or don't do. I am not blogging this to get anyone to suddenly come and show me some love. I am blogging it because I have always said if I went away I would say so before I did (see my post "And Then They Go Poof").

There are a few thoughts simmering in my heart of late.

My Daughter
My daughter doesn't like this blog. She doesn't like me being public or speaking out. She doesn't like what she calls being part of my  "social campaign for justice". Her dislike of this blog translates to me to be a dislike of me.  Misguided as it may be, there is a part of me that cannot help but wonder if I did not blog might she like me more? Might she consider meeting me?  This furry little thought runs around my head for days on end.  I can debate the the merit of that thought. I can suggest that I should stand up for me first and my daughter second. I can say its not my blog she dislikes but the fact she was adopted at all and my blog is just a massive mirror of that which she would prefer not see. I can say I need to parent me and then her. I can say that I need to care about me first if I ever expect anyone else to. I can offer that by speaking out for me I am speaking out for her and her children in the future. I can argue that I try gosh darned hard to limit what I say here to protect her but in the end does it matter? I just don't know. I do know that more than anything in the world (even more than wanting to change adoption, sorry, I am selfish at times) I want to hold my daughter again and tell her I love her. I want to hear the sound of her voice, watch her hair blow in the breeze, hear her laugh, sniffle, cough and breathe. I just want to be in the room with her again. I want to be permitted to buy her  birthday presents that don't make her puke.  I want my oldest son who draws pictures for his sister and hangs them on the wall to be able to actually hand them to her and for her to thank him and compliment his artwork.  If this blog is preventing that in any way shape or form (and how can I ever truly know?), I think I should shut it down. And then I accept the harsh reality that my daughter may NEVER want to be part of my life. Do I put my life on hold forever only to find out I made a bad decision?  Do I exchange my life for hers a second time?

My Personal Life
 Soon I will be divorced two years. I only recently gave serious thought to dating. Sure I have had dates in two years. Made some great male friends that did not end up being relationships (Mr. Dink, for example).  I find that I actually shy away from relationships due to my adoption work. I have found that my degree of involvement in adoption work was not only problematic for my ex husband, but for men I have met as well. They either view me as a woman with way too much baggage or an anarchist, whistle-blower, pariah, or worse.  Few, if any men I have met, see and respect what I went through and why I do what I do. This makes me sad. I want to be in a relationship again. I do. But I am feeling, again, that I must split off myself to do that.  This is fucked up. I realize that. Mr. Dink did get this stuff. Even my friend I will call Mr. Husky seemed to kinda get it. But they are male friends, not relationships, I have yet to find a man who can see this as it is and not be threatened or disturbed by it. (Do I need to date a male adoptee or first dad?)  I want them to see and respect it as part of me but not ALL of me. Yet they don't. It freaks them out. I am still branded only now it is of my own choosing. (One also cannot help but wonder if I did have a relationship would I even want to do this stuff? My therapist once suggested that my adoption work was the filler for the void left by a broken marriage. Since my husband was not there due to travel, I filled that void with adoption. Then my husband caught on to what was happening but I was too far gone into the abyss for him to bring me back. What might happen if I had a loving relationship?)

When meeting or dating someone, the very tech savvy gent will google me. (It is okay, I do him too) and waaaay before I have even decided to become physically intimate with a man I am emotionally naked in front of him by virtue of this blog. He can slurp this blog without my knowledge (well, kinda) and may tell me or not. This actually happened to me (read post "Dating Adoption Trauma") He might just decide not to call me again.

Would closing this blog and being a bit less public help my relationship prospects or would it hurt my own healing because to accomplish that I might split myself off again?  Again, can I ever know?

Non Adoption Related  Goals
There are things I want to do that require time. To find that time I need to do less adoption related work, and yeah, less blogging. I want to write more but more creative writing.  (And even as I say that my freshman college creative writing Professor T. McGinn echoes in my head "Writers write what they know." I know adoption trauma).  I want to go to a writers retreat. I want to take classes in New Media at our community college. I want to complete a Certification I started in Strategic Communications Management.  I want to go to the gym regularly as I am seriously out of shape and seriously feeling it of late. I need to diet and exercise more. All these things in addition to working full time and mommying require TIME. Time I just don't have.

If there above three topics are not enough, note there are more.  I wont go into agonizing detail.

Suffice it to say, I just dont know what to do.

It makes me cry and feel terribly sick.

17 Thoughts.

  1. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me, Suz.
    I think you are an important voice for change, and I would miss you terribly if you were to go, but I would understand and support you, because oh baby, have I been there.
    Whatever you decide to do, be it taking a break, continuing, or closing this blog down, I would like to stay in touch privately, because you’re a person I’m proud to know.
    Much love,

  2. You could try not blogging for awhile and see how it feels. You could try password protecting the blog and see how that feels. I support you in whatever you choose to do. You do a lot for other people (including the nameless crowds on the internet) and you deserve to do something for yourself. Personally I’d love to see you nurture your creative writing self but I’m biased!!!!

  3. suz, sometimes i feel like a stalker at your blog and posting little comments that may or may not make sense. i follow many blogs but as you noted, yours is one that has been sort of, um, cathartic i guess. i often thought the opposite…that you were in MY head and that has been a reassuring thing for me and many others in the same boat. carrying on with that theme is this blog about closing the blog (ohhh around and round we go, eh;)
    i’ve been giving serious thought to closing mine as well for the same reasons. mainly the overwhelming need to let go and move on, to step off this soapbox for my own sanity as well as the chance to have my child back in my life. for us to both heal as much as we can and, well, just move on.
    whatever you decide to do, you’re time spent here has already made an enormous difference and i think you can feel good about that. my best to you and hoping your daughter returns to you soon.

  4. (((Suz))) This post touched home for me… as you know. I printed it out and will write something more meaningful later. It’s a tough decision, but this I know for sure: we must take care of ourselves first, otherwise we are useless to anyone.

  5. I agree that you must take care of you first. I also know that I am one of your readers that has gleaned a lot by reading what you write. I like the idea of taking a trial separation from blogging. See how that goes. Set a specific time period to step away. Then come back. I’m certain then you’ll get a clear idea of what your heart wants you to do. I also support you no matter what you decided!

  6. Do what you need to. I will miss your writing if you leave though – you have pointed out many things that I would have missed otherwise. Thanks.

  7. Suz,
    If you go, keep in touch via email, Facebook, something, okay?
    I have no idea what the right path is for you. But I’ll tell you that for me… adoption blogging was a needed part of my healing. But letting go of adoption blogging has also been a needed and good part of my healing. Maybe,like so many other things, each has its time.
    My new balance works for me so far–a blog about nothing and everything–bits of adoption but only little tiny bits.
    Whatever you decide, you’ll do great. And continue to inspire people.

  8. Hon, you have to do what’s best for you, plus learn to put yourself first for a change.
    You mentioned a number of things and I know first hand there are many, many more – so decide and go for it.
    You’ve helped many with your blog and many outside of it as well. So, no matter what you decide, realize that your branching out, growing, learning and starting to love yourself first, as it should be.
    You’ll do just fine and I’ll still call and bug you every once in awhile.
    Mo xoxo

  9. It makes my heart hurt to read your last line. I don’t want you to cry and feel sick, hon. If not writing here will help those feelings then by all means, stop blogging, at least for a while. But maybe stop back in every once in a while to let us know how you’re doing, please? Being too lazy and chicken to start a blog myself, I nevertheless have become addicted to reading them. Some stories resonate more than others, and your story is one of the most compelling out there for me. Your voice is wise and important and I thank you for your words.

  10. Your blog has been a great comfort to me because it’s good to know “i”m not alone” in many of my feelings. Someone, someone, understands! I’m sorry you are feeling such conflict. All makes sense. Try to live one day at a time. Hugs and love. Nancy

  11. you and your writing has made such a difference to me over the years. i understand taking a break/closing up shop for awhile. i dicker with those thoughts myself periodically. in any case, thinking of you.

  12. Suz,
    I have learned a lot from reading your blog and greatly value your opinion. On that note I have a question for you. What is your feeling on surrogacy? My BIL and his partner want a baby and they have asked me to consider being their surrogate. I want to do this for them, but I wonder would it be the same as getting pregnant and giving the baby up or will going into it with the knowledge that this is their baby save me from that? What do you think?

  13. We emailed about this a bit today, but I have to reiterate what I said: you should continue to write. The venue doesn’t really matter, but your voice is unique and fresh and deserves air. If it hurts too much to stop, don’t. The day you don’t cry about the decision and it doesn’t make you sick is best day possible to lock this up and walk away from it. Whatever you do, don’t delete it.

  14. Your blog is interesting and well-written and you sound like a gentle and kind woman. It would be missed. But I do understand how you feel, especially about your daughter.
    I like to write but do not want a blog because of my kids, those I raised and the one I did not. None of them share my enthusiasm for adoption reform, and I fear something so public would be an embarrasment and perhaps even a threat to the fragile relationship with my surrendered son. I was upset recently when a comment I wrote on someone else’s blog came up on Google,which I did not know could happen.
    It is a hard place to be. I hope you come to a decision you can live with, either to go on with the blog or to close it. Living your life is the most important thing. When it starts to feel like you are a martyr for the cause, it is time to move on.

  15. I’m glad you’re still here – at least as of today. I know the pull to sometimes shut it off…right now, I’ve just been a little quiet. A little MIA, but I know I’ll be back in full force one of these days. Things happen, life happens, and we need to do what we need to do.
    BUT, no matter what happens I appreaciate that you’ll let us know…it so saddens me (and worries me) when people just disappear…
    And although you didn’t ask for warm and fuzzies, I can’t help but to:

  16. You are a great writer and will probably wither away if you don’t keep expressing your thoughts in writing in one form or another. Time is certainly a killer, but you can slow it down by just taking three deep, sincere breaths. Rest assured that you are not alone in all your feelings. Even in the worst case scenario, if you have to go down with a sinking ship, its always nicer if you’re not alone. Kinda dark, I know, but sometimes a spark is all it takes to make it through a day and make at least one person smile.

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