â€œWe have a double standard,
which is to say, a man can show how much he cares by being violent –
see, he’s jealous, he cares – a woman shows how much she cares by how
much she’s willing to be hurt; by how much she will take; how much she
will endure;â€ – Andrew Dworkin
I wonder if the roles were reversed would the sentiment be different?
Meaning, if my daughter were blogging about our relationship, would people feel differently? I have no idea if she is. I don’t look. I wouldn’t look. I have trusted her to share with me what she wants me to see or read. She has done so and when she was no longer comfortable she blocked access. That is her prerogative as owner of her content.
Yet I wonder if folks would be so protective of ME if it were me she were talking about? (N.B., It would be fine with me if my daughter discussed me publicly. It is her truth. I am in no position to challenge her truth or her feelings.) It seems to be with some folks that it is okay for a wounded adoptee to
thrash from the agony of the condition that is adoption but it is not
okay for a mother to do so.
Is that because we are, in some sort of theory, the mother? (Even though we are not?)
Is this some sort of social engineering? Be a mother, act like a mother, but oh yeah, you aren’t so don’t call yourself that? Or is this rooted in the discomfort felt by those who have to face what adoption does to mothers? Or something else entirely?
And to the person who suggested that "A" was indeed my daughter herself, I strongly doubt it. I am quite confident she is capable of speaking for herself should she want to. Furthermore, she doesnt read here. Additionally, A is resolving to Brookline, Massachusetts.
I am using my own experience here as a thread fertilizer but I think what is happening here on my blog speaks to a much bigger issue on adoption/reunions/privacy/mothers and children. Since the only experience I can speak to is my own, I use it to spark conversation and provoke thought.
Curious that I am supposed to act like a mother and protect my daughter and put her above myself (as all "good" mothers do for their children) but don’t dare consider myself her mother?