Supporting Views

“Adoption is not the end of a painful chapter, but the beginning of a lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing the child. It is a wound that time cannot heal…it is a limbo loss” – (Anderson)

I have recently been inundated with private emails, comments and contact requests from a number of pro adoption individuals. These individuals write me and ask me to promote their how-to-adopt book, help them write a “Dear Birhtmother-Give-Me-Your-Baby” letter, promote their adoption “comedy”,  their South American adoption agency, and similar activities.  I am startled every time I receive such requests. Are you a spam bot? Have you READ my blog? Are you taking the single mans approach to line dating; meaning the more you throw at the wall the greater the chance something will stick? Do you even know your audience?

Please know that while I appreciate you reading my blog or sharing it (if that is indeed what it is happening) I will never support, promote, or encourage the unnecessary separation of children from their natural families. I am not anti-adoption per se. Rather, I am pro family preservation.  Even when a mother does not want to or is unable to care for her child, there is no reason why the child has to be denied the right to know his original name, to see his real birth certificate, and to know who his natural parents, siblings, and grandparents are. There is no reason why natural parents should not be allowed to know whether their child was indeed adopted or not, how their child is doing, what their child’s name is, who is caring for their child, and even if their child is alive or dead.

I believe in fathers rights. I believe in grandparents rights. I believe adoption should be a last resort and even then ties to family of origin should be maintained.

If you are like-minded organization or individual, I will be happy to support and promote your blog, book, movie, organization and more. Feel free to use my contact form to reach out to me.  If you are not, please don’t waste your time here.

5 Thoughts.

  1. I am a mother of two children whose natural mothers “did not want or were unable to care for them,” and I am grateful for your blog. I am also grateful to you for acknowledging that some natural mothers do. not. want. to. parent. Some others are. not. able. to. Adoption is not always the byproduct of coercion, abuse, or other unethical behavior. It is sometimes, but not always. I understand that it is difficult/painful/disturbing for some people to believe that, but it is true.

    Also, I completely agree with you about the importance of maintaining ties to original family!

  2. Sally – I feel I have to acknowledge those mothers that allegedly “don’t want to”. I have never met one but I hear they exist.

    As for unable, I refer to mothers that are physically or mentally unable to do so. To often the industry uses unable to refer to mothers who are single, poor, etc. Those mothers are ABLE if they wish to parent if they lived in society that supported them. More adoptions than many of us would like to see are due to lack of support for mother, lack of real options, and more. But yeah, there are some that cant or dont want to. If after giving a option to the father, the grandparents, the extended family, there is truly NO ONE, then by all means the child be given a home and then allowed knowledge, contact, information with their family of origin.

    • This reply puts into words exactly how I feel about adoption. I was quiet ABLE to care for and raise my child but due to lack of support (both emotional and financial) from both my parents and the father of my child, lost her to adoption. I successfully raised two sons; both have master’s degrees, one in physics and one in engineering. I was a good Mom and only 20 when my first son was born. Young women are very ABLE and have been raising children for centuries. It is / was society that frowned on unwed mothers that led to so many unnecessary adoptions. Education and support of those that fall through the so called net are the only way that we can stamp out the heinous practise of unnecessarily separating mother and child.

      I understand that in some instances adoption is the only option but these instances are rare. Explore every avenue before taking this route. To all the adoptive Mom’s that visit this site, I empathise with your infertility, I cannot even imagine how very difficult it must be. However I urge you to respect the woman that gave birth to your shared child and to keep communication channels as open as possible.

  3. I love your comment, you are pro family! I really like and agree with the way you express your opinion on adoption. I am finding it increasingly frustrating my lack of ability to find info on my biological family, if for no other reason than because of the medical issues I find myself and my kids facing! I agree that adoptions should certainly allow for information to flow between adoptive parents, the child, and the biological parents. I love following your blog and love that you share your feelings and beliefs regardless of what anyone thinks!

    • Jennie – This ability to speak my own voice sadly grew out of the greatest trauma of my life – losing my daughter to adoption. I did not speak then. I must now — for myself and other mothers who may be in the position I was in 1986.

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