Where my baby girl was born and left to strangers

To my knowledge, there has not been an unplanned pregnancy in my immediate family since my own in 1986. Oh, sure, I have heard of cousins’ kids, or cousins of cousins who were pregnant, “got knocked up”, and the like.  The news is usually shared by my mother over the phone in one of those hushed “did you hear” kind of tones.  I tend not to feed into the conversation and usually respond with an “Oh, that’s nice. Good luck to them”.  I detest the feeding frenzy of gossip surrounding unplanned pregnancies. The words used, the judgment, the rolling of eyes, the disgust heard in voice tones, the “oh-that-poor-girls-life-is-ruined” attitude, words like slut and legs closed and tramp are all too much for me to bear. If you are interested in really discussing options, really supporting the expectant mom, I will talk with you.  If you want to be rude, caddy, old school, religious, offensive, conservative and such, I walk away.

I walked away last night.

It appears my 1986 record is about to be broken.

Late last night, my cell phone went nutty. My mother called me twice and kept calling until someone finally answered (my husband). Others texted me while others messaged me on Facebook.  Without even knowing the content of the calls, I ignored them. I am still suffering, pretty seriously, with this neck/back issue. I am on pain meds and living/working a reduced schedule. I get about four good hours a day and then I am in intense pain and need to rest. Last night was no different. I was resting and caring for me when the flurry of messages began.

From what I have gathered since then, a young woman who is technically my step-niece is expecting. She is unmarried, in her early 20s, and the father does not want the child. The news came to my sibling and mother and other nieces and it created quite a stir complete with crying, tears, gasps and standard expressions of life ruining. They cried and gossiped and I got angry.  Really angry. Irrationally inappropriately angry. Oh, not at them (I did not speak to them) this emotional war raged in my head (and a teeny bit on my hubby).

I am processing my anger today, my conflict and finding myself a bit surprised with some of my own emotions.

The Bias and Ignorance – As mentioned above, I am irritated by the bias and ignorance that accompanies such news in my family. Why is it assumed that this girl’s life is ruined?  What does that say about a child? About motherhood in general? How will that child feel in the future if they hear “your birth ruined your mothers’ life?” My mother repeated to me something another family member said “She had so much potential” (in reference to the expectant mother). News flash people – she still does! Pregnancy does not stunt your growth, take your brains, or cause you to be physically handicapped for the rest of your life. You can still walk upright and talk and think and go to college and meet a wonderful man (or woman). Yes, this mother’s life may be more challenging but she can still do ALL THE PRETTY THINGS she was going to do pre-pregnancy and guess what – she can do them WITH her child. She doesn’t have to abandon her child to strangers to achieve her goals. Children and parenting is hard at ANY AGE, ANY SOCIO ECONOMIC STATUS, ANY POINT IN LIFE. Let’s drop the fatalistic attitudes, shall we? Expectant mom and baby are going to absorb all your negative mojo.  Why don’t we turn that frown upside down and support her, ask her what she wants, how she is feeling, what we can do for her to help her through this time?

Seriously? Adoption? – A family member told me today that the other family members wanted to consult with me about the idea of putting the child up for adoption.  Seriously? Are you seriously going to talk to me about adoption and expect me to support that option?  Part of me (the immature part of me) wants to scream at them. How EFFIN dare you come to me and ask me about this! How dare YOU! And yet the mature part of me is pleased they want to do so. And another part of me is concerned about my delivery and what I would say. I feel I need to be firm with my position but offer her options to learn of others. The decision must be hers and hers alone and it must be a fully informed one. She must know all her options and all the pros and cons of each option.

Why me? – I got all caught up in my head about the fact that they called me. Crisis pregnancy in the family? Call 1-800-Suz-4Help.  I am not sure if I am offended or pleased.  Immature me? What am I the slut whisperer? The way it was relayed to me by a family member, they don’t know how to relate to “those” girls and I do (since I am one of them) so let me deal with it? And let me deal with it while I am heavily medicated and in pain (and they know this). Ugh. The thoughts in my head. Then I flip-flop and my other Gemini twin makes an appearance. Why not me? I AM the person they should come to. I can help them. They are correct. (But do they realize what they trigger when they contact me? Do they have any clue what this does to me, personally?)

Looking into the Past – The confluence of emotions made me wonder, is this what they all did when they found out about me? Did they all call each other and gossip and cry?  Did they say I had so much potential and that my child was ruining my life? I wasn’t here, and if I was, I wasn’t privy to the conversations. My family never ever talked about me, my pregnancy in front of me. They walked around me for weeks before I left for Chicago and never said a word (unless you count my father in a drunken stupor saying something about keeping my legs closed).  They never spoke about it. They pretty much still don’t.  I spent too much time in the shower today visualizing what it must have been like back then. Who called who? Who said what?

The Mistake – During a phone conversation with said family members today, I am told “she made a mistake”.  Really? What mistake is that? Loving a man? Having unprotected sex with him? Why is that HER mistake? Wouldn’t it be his as well? Or are you calling the child a mistake? Why do we consider such situations so awful?  Conceiving a child is not a mistake. It should be celebrated.  I know it is a wonderful thing for the massive industry that has sprung up around children is proof of it.  The billions of dollars spent by prospective adopters who cannot conceive on their prove it. The trafficking of children by agencies that profit by it proves it as well. Children are wonderful and should be treated as such – from conception through to adulthood.

Not About You – A family member, close to the expectant mother, went on and on about it, in a manner that suggested this was happening to her, and it was her fault, and what was she going to do. Boo hoo hoo. Poor me. Uhhhhhhhhhh boy.  Good thing I was not in the room. It could have gotten ugly. This family member’s ability to make everything about her would likely have provoked behavior from me I would have regretted. The focus, the support, the attention should be on the expectant mother and her unborn child. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

I spoke briefly with my mother this a.m. I have no intention of engaging with the family on this.  The expectant mother sent me a friend request on Facebook this am and we later talked via phone. We are meeting for dinner tonight.  This is about her, her needs, her desires, her future life and that of her unborn child.

If you know of organizations/resources in the Hartford, CT area that might be of assistance, feel free to contact me via my contact form or my email at bluestokking at gmail dot com.  I have printed a document from Origins-USA and also downloaded some info on our local Planned Parenthood. I also printed a picture of my daughter. It may help her to see a real face, a human being, behind my story.

Imagine my surprise when after determining I have no idea who she is, I see a name I do know in the “People You May Know” box on the top right.

The person LinkedIn thinks I may know? 

My case worker from Easter House. You know, the one that has ignored my requests for information, for 26 years? The one who refused to give me any information when I was being stalked by a person claiming to be my daughter (but wasn’t). The one who strangers felt the need to counsel me on dealing with? Yeah. Her.

Not sure it is the exact person so I  clicked on her profile and saw where she is allegedly working now. The history of the organization states it was founded as an ” “in-between” home for trouble girls where they would be guided into a happy and purposeful life”. That sounds like her as the last time we spoke she was working in Florida for an alternative high school for teen moms.

I did write her, again at the email on Linkedin. It might not be her. But hey, the more you throw at the wall the more likely something is to stick, right?

I doubt she will answer me if it is her. If it is not her, the person will probably tell me so.

I still crave answers, explanation, and most importantly, I want my letters. She said I wrote her letters following surrender and she kept them.  She said they made her sad but she kept them. Well, I want them. At least copies of them. They feel important to me. I need to see them.

Part of me jumps up and down and want to scream .

Lets go! Now! Wahoo! My city! The place where my child was born! Hooray for Illinois and Chicago.  When is the next flight out?

Then I feel a sick feeling in my stomach and something says “Whoaaaa. Hold on there.” Chicago? With a bunch of adoption people? Talking adoption in the location that you surrendered your first-born, only daughter, to strangers? That stanking rotting nest hole for the Kurtz adoption agency? Have you really thought about what that will mean and feel like?

Well, uh, yeah, I guess. Sort of. Maybe? But hey! That week is also my first wedding anniversary. I got married in Chicago a year ago. How cool would it be to celebrate in the city we got married!!! Lets go.

Uh, okay, so are you celebrating your anniversary, mourning/grieving/ the child you surrendered, or protesting?

Uh. All? None? One.

And what about those people who will be there that you don’t like or they don’t like you?

Oh, please, I don’t need to like people to support a cause. Nor do they have to like me.

Will you take your hubby? If you are framing this as a part anniversary celebration, what is he to do while you are standing around protesting (or crying in a corner?)

Oh, but he is wonderful, he would stand around, protest, get me a tissue.

Yeah, but does he want to celebrate anniversary that way? Is he giving in to you? How much of your life and his has to be consumed by your adoption trauma and related activities?

But, but, I have to. It is MY state, my daughters birthplace, my well, thang. I have to show my support. My peeps are there.

Okay, what if you have surgery just before then? How will that work out? Will you be recovered enough to travel?

At this point, I tell that inner voice to shut up and I procrastinate about making hotel and flight plans and confirming attendance.

The joys of being a Gemini.