Below is the list of the Top Ten nominated to date.  If you have not read, or want to read again, please click the links below. Be sure to read the comments. Many of them are more useful than the posts.

Feel free to continue to share your other favs as well!

The Nose (2006)
A post explaining my shock at finding myself in the same room as my college  age daughter and my inability to reach out to her to say hello, hug her and hear her voice.

Forgive You Father For You Have Sinned (2009)
The text of a letter I wrote, and mailed, to my mothers Catholic parish priest after my mother boasted to me how the priest welcomed females who had lost children to abortion to the altar.  He did not welcome women who had lost them to adoption.

White Flag Realities (2008)
A purely fictional post detailing a conversation between an adoption placement coordinator and Janie, an expectant mother, considering adoption.

Telling Children (2006)
The story of how I told my son, now age 15, then approaching 7, about the existence of his older sister. His childlike questions and my responses are contained therein.

Claimed (2011)
My experience of finally being claimed by a man who loved me after so many before him had failed to.

Just Sit There (2009)
A bit of a rant by me directed at random blog commenters that email and tell me my story is “oh so sad but it doesn’t happen anymore”.

About That Note  (2011)
My painful confession of the fact that when the agency casewrecker threatened me with that promissory note my mother signed, I gave up my daughter for the first time. The second would be three days after her birth.

Paying Debts (2007)
A five-year old post talking about the need to teach surrender mothers how to pay back what they “owe”, questioning if it is even possible.

Care To Play A Game (2008)
A challenge to my blog readers to play an adoption game.

Emma (2008)
Overhearing two adoptive moms discussing their Asian adoption experience.

Related posts:

1. The Cost of Change
2. Found Jennifer and Did Not Slit Wrists
3. Situations

I am not attending Adoptee Rights in Chicago due to my physical limitations. I am still unable to drive, unable to work full-time. I see my surgeon end of the month and will get a sense of next steps (PT, when I can drive, return to work full-time, etc.).  Additionally, even if I had medical clearance, I would struggle with financial clearance. My husband lost his job a few weeks back. 

Best of luck to all who attend and thank you to the Adoptee Rights group for all they do. While my daughter has full access to her info should she ask me for it, the reality is, she shouldnt have to ask.  It should be a given.

Related posts:

1. Chicago Adoptee Rights Protest 2012
2. A Gemini Debating Adoptee Rights Protest
3. Adoptee Rights Demonstration

Wanted to offer one news item.

Registration is up for the St. Johns Adoption Conference in October. Register here. I am attending (first adoption conference I am NOT speaking at and I am rather looking forward to it). I am also rooming with the amazing ThirdMom once again.  Do let me know if you plan to attend.

“Best Interests of the Child?”
Race, Religion, & Rescue in Adoption

Conference Rational (excerpted from conference site)

“… join an exploration of a set of poignant, fundamental issues inherent in the adoption experience, although they are often not always openly addressed. We are referring to the many preconceived notions of the ideal family unit that prevail in our society and that have made the adoption experience challenging and painful to many; to the unexamined though well-intentioned motivations for adopting that may unwittingly create a complex dynamic between adoptees and their adoptive families, and complicate the development of healthy relationships among members of the adoption triad; to the paucity of accurate information about the unique nature of the adoption journey for each member of the triad and at each level of their experiences. This lifelong adoption journey evolves from when the idea of adoption first emerges and leads to the arrangement of an actual adoption, to the first encounter between strangers, through the various demands that emerge along the developmental progression of adoptees, and through the vicissitudes of their educational experience, the challenges that emerge during the dating experience, and their decision whether or not to establish their own family units, and on through middle and late adulthood. Indeed, research shows that adoption incurs lifelong consequences.”

Related posts:

1. Best Interests of Child: Race, Religion and Rescue
2. Best Interests of Child: Adoption Initiative
3. Situations

When I say the words “the situation” what comes to your mind? Do you think of that dude, Michael Sorrentino, from the MTV reality show “Jersey Shore?” Or do you think of something adoption related? Maybe you think of both? Neither? Something all together different?

Today when I heard the words “the situation” I first thought of adoption, felt a bit sick and then thought of Mr. Sorrentino, who is sometimes, call The Sitch. While the colorful reality star has nothing to do with my work place, I will share why I thought of him. I will explain to you my situation (pun intended).

Not quite a year ago, I hired a supremely talented woman to join my web team (I manage a team of web editors).  I liked her immediately not only for her education and experience but her style, her personality. She is someone I would have had as a friend had we met under different circumstances. She is friendly, creative (has these great chunks of red color on her dark asymmetrical bob), fashionable, an English major, web junkie, mother of two young sons and around my age. We have lots in common. During the year or so she has worked for me she has completed an amazing amount of work including helping us push our way into the mobile application space by writing content for our soon to come mobile app while simultaneously managing the editorial efforts of our member portal. Like I said, cool, amazing, talented, someone I really like.  As such, I was a bit nervous when she approached me and asked if we could “talk”. I said “sure” and invited her to sit down on my cushioned file cabinet/seat.  She then asked if we could find a room and talk in private. It was at this point my internal manager alarm went off and I said “uh-oh” quietly to myself.  This type of request usually means, in my experience, someone is resigning or has some other major problem.   We found a room.

“So, I don’t want you to be nervous or anything. It is nothing bad” says editor extraordinaire.

“Okay. So what’s up?” I ask.

She appears nervous and a bit jumpy. This is not her usual style.  If she is not resigning, it’s nothing bad, what is making my usually calm, cool, collected editor so skittish?

“Well, my husband and I are adopting a baby. We just got called a day or so ago. It was a complete shock. We had registered with an adoption agency several years ago. We were able to get pregnant via IVF and have our sons and it was long and hard and expensive but we did it. We totally forgot to take our profile off the active registry with the agency and they called us. They have a baby girl for us…Utah…end of May…leave of absence…situation…four kids…mom 26…dad in his 40… “she says.

She is speaking a bit rapidly (which is normal for her, another thing I like about her as I do it as well) but rambling. Or maybe it’s me?  Normally I could follow her but the adoption word has unnerved me and done something strange to my cochlea.  I am hearing her yet simultaneously reeling inside and trying my best to keep my professional shit together.

Tears well up inside me.  I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS AT WORK.  JESUS EFFIN CHRIST I DON’T BELIEVE IN WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?  CARL EFFIN JUNG WHY DID YOU SAY “THAT WHICH WE RESIST, PERSISTS”. HELLO! UNIVERSE? DID YOU MISS THE MEMO THAT SAID I AM IN THE MIDST OF A MAJOR HEALTH CRISIS AND TRYING TO AVOID ADOPTION. DID YOU? HUH?

I notice my breathing is a bit rapid and shallow.  I let her ramble on while I get my internal feces collected so I can be the professional manager type and not the teenager girl traumatized at the loss of her child that the adult mother found and was told by that child to please go away, I don’t think of you or adoption, like ever.

By listening and doing that internal feces collection, I learn:

• Baby girl due end of May.
• Will be induced (kid cannot even pick her own birthday!)
• Parents are not married. Mother is 26. Father is in his 40s. They have one child, six years old that they are parenting. They have surrendered four (FOUR?) children already. Due to their “situation” they are placing this one as well.
• She has been invited to be in the delivery room. Squeee! She feels so honored!
• Oh, I should see the picture of the six year old. The agency sent her a picture and the six year old is all malnourished, unwashed and clearly abused. (Why is the agency sharing a picture of an allegedly abused child and NOT reporting that to authorities?)
• Mother and father are in Utah.
• Staff member and her husband are OH! SO. HAPPY.  They are going to proceed ahead with the adoption for clearly this was meant to be.
• She would like to know if she can take a few months off for adoption leave and come back.

As she finishes and she sits in front of me, waiting for my response, the first words I can muster are:

“Do you know my background?” I ask.

She is clearly utterly confused. What does MY background have to do with what she just told me?

“Huh? What? Uh, no” she responds.

So I tell her.  I share I have a daughter, surrendered to adoption when I was 18 after a five month stay in a maternity home located one thousand miles away from my family and support system. I tell her my agency was a baby broker that coerced mothers, lied to them, made promises and then sold the children to families who had money. I tell her I am an activist in the adoption field and that I support adoption only as a last resort and even then I believe all ties to the family of origin, medical history, etc. should be maintained. I tell her my husband and I are in the process of forming a not for profit foundation that will provide education scholarships to single moms struggling to parent and finish their education.

At this point, I realize I am rambling and vacillating between the 18 year traumatized pissed off mother and my present day self.  My voice is either shaky and on the verge of tears in one breath or firm and resolute in the next.  My cochlea must have fixed itself for now I hear not only her, but my own voice and it sounds, well, a bit scary.

Manager Professional Suz enters the room.

I try to bring it back to her request. I tell her we value her (we/I do) and that I will consider her request and share it with my boss as well. She is very appreciative and continues to go on a bit more about “the situation”.  I share a bit more including telling her to question everything the agency tells her, Utah is a major red flag, and that she should get all the medical history possible, names, etc.

She responds by stating the agency is very ethical, this mothers situation is not like mine was (she said this with a bit of a defensive tone to her voice), it’s legit, necessary, the right thing, etc.  At this point, I note that sweet sugary smell of Kool-Aid dust that wafts up into your nose when you are making, or exposed to the making, of Kool-Aid.   The suggestion that my situation is not like this one and that somehow I am unique or different or whatever has angered me (and invalidated me, thank you very much).  I realize it is time to wrap up the conversation. I let her know I will get back to her, reiterate my sincere belief and liking of her as a person and a professional and we leave.

She returns to her desk and I go to the ladies room and cry.

Adoption at work is not something I have prepared myself for.

Knowing that in a few weeks another baby girl will lose her mama and suffer a primal wound makes me sad.

Knowing that my friend, a woman I respect and admire, has sipped the Kool-Aid and may be in the process of being duped by a Utah adoption agency makes me angry.

The pressure to be the professional non traumatized “birth-mother” overwhelms me. If I could leave the office I would but it is not an option.  I return to my desk and immediately turn to my Facebook (thank goodness I work in ebusiness and we have access from work) and I vent to my private adoption list on my Facebook (you guys know who you are, thank you for being there).

Today

I spoke briefly to my staff member today. Let her know my boss and I support her request and that we will look for a temporary staff member during her leave. I will also look at our current resource plan and see if I can adjust things amongst the other team members. She is appreciative.

I said nothing else about adoption.  I want to but I am still formulating my thoughts. I don’t want to come across as this AntiAdoptoNazi. I do respect and want to retain this person on my team. But how do I help her, help me, help that baby girl?  What do I share? How do I do it effectively and gently?

A few of my friends on Facebook recommended a few books for me to share with her. I ask you now, dear readers, what would you recommend I share with a PAP (or not)? If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Please note it is highly probable she has, or soon will, google me and find this blog, so, feel free to write your response not necessarily to me, but to her.

Artwork Credit: Julie Rist

Related posts:

1. A Gemini Debating Adoptee Rights Protest
2. The Cost of Change
3. A Girl Like Her (and me)

I suffered another episode in 2000 and once again had an MRI which confirmed the discs were progressing in their disease.  Again, more pain meds, therapy and such.  I get through it.

A few weeks ago, a few days after working out with my trainer at the gym, I find myself in a pain like I have never felt. The pain was so severe at times I would silent cry. What I mean by this is that I was completely unaware that I was even crying. The tears would just fall from my eyes as I lay immobile on my couch with ice packs on my neck and back. I was prescribed various medications, several of which I had allergic reactions to, and eventually managed to find some minor relief.

It was during this time frame that a secondary problem, more serious, was discovered.  It is the type of problem that has the potential to be life threatening, certainly life span shortening. I would be lying if I said it did not freak me out.  It did. It still kind of is. It is a health condition that has been seen in my family in the past generations. The first two days I was deeply effected by thoughts of dying young, leaving my sons, never getting a chance again to meet my daughter. It was a dark few days.

Whilst in my gloomy freaking out pain ridden state, it occurs to me that I am better off than many of my adoption friends. I have my health history. I know what is in my family.  When I go to the doctors and fill out the myriad forms, I can check all the boxes, answer all the questions. I can call my mother up on the phone and ask her to remind me what Choo Choo Gramma died of or what disease Papa had.  I can take that information back to my medical team and they can use it to formulate plans for my care and make a better diagnosis and prognosis.

This is not true of many of my friends.  They go through medical crisis after medical crisis with no health history, no records, no idea what sort of diseases may be laying dormant in their veins waiting to spring forth.  Their children suffer serious illnesses and they and their doctors are limited in their ability to find cures.

Proponents of adoption and specifically closed records often state “there is no value to medical history”. To this I say “Oh, really?”. I would offer that even if there is no perceived medical value (and I question that), there is definitely, for me and possibly for others, some psychological value.  While some argue ignorance is bliss, I would not agree. I find comfort in knowing what I am dealing with and what I might deal with. Being forewarned is forearmed. If I know, for example, that heart disease runs rampant in my family, I can make a conscious choice to do my best to minimize the disease, to eat better, to exercise or not.  It may not help in the long-term, but it might, it may also decrease the likelihood of stress. The less time spent worrying and wondering can, for some, equal less time stressing and therefore, less time becoming ill.

Researchers from UCLA found that stress reactions can increase inflammation in the body. For those who experience chronic stress problems, this can lead to serious complications like heart disease, depression and asthma. Would a non adopted person with a medical history stress over a mysterious disease? I can personally say “yes” .  We do. What if you are an individual who has no medical history? What about the adult adoptee mother with no medical history and a very sick child?  When attempting to help your child, the doctors ask about medical history and you cannot provide it. Would that stress you out? Just a teeny bit?

To these situations and more I say yes, stress can cause disease. Lack of medical history can cause stress and untreated disease.  Lack of medical history can cause premature death.

Lead researcher in the UCLA testing George Slavic states “We have known for a long time that social stress can ‘get under the skin’ to increase risk for disease, but it’s been unclear exactly how these effects occur.”  I offer Mr. Slavic one factor for consideration: lack of medical history.

Why would anyone doubt the value of providing adoption separated individuals with their medical history?  I never have but let me tell you that going through what I am now I am even more sure that all adopted individuals have a right to their medical history. I will further state that not providing that is a form of child abuse, a form that can kill not only the adoptee but their own future children.

Image/Artwork Credit: Lina Eve

Related posts:

1. A Gemini Debating Adoptee Rights Protest