Moving In with Firsts

Claud has an interesting post up today regarding adoptees in reunion moving in with their first parents post reunion.

I have known a few friends (mothers) who have lived this. There were varying degress of success and failure in all cases.

I have a twist to offer as I know these cases exist as well – first parents moving in with their reunited child post reunion.  I will admit I bristled a bit when I heard of this (three situations that I know of). I will also admit that is my own bias/judgement and that I am in no place to judge another. But yeah, it bothers me for some reason.

Read Claud’s post or comment here and tell me about your child moving in with you or first parents moving in with reunited (now adult) children or just your general thoughts on the topic.

A Reunion Question- When Your Relinquished Child Wants to Live with You


7 Thoughts.

  1. In Indian Country, it would be a good idea to live close-by. We lose custom-language-culture as adoptees and can regain that if we move back (not in) with our tribal family.

  2. Oooh, Trace, you raise another interesting facet of this discussion. I can see much value in moving back or in with family (adoptee into first family) when you are trying to regain lost culture. I know of several adoptees that returned to Korea or China, etc. and did that. Somehow, despite the challenges associated there, it makes much sense to me — more than the domestic caucasion flavor of this topic.

  3. Commenting from an admittedly caucasian point of view . . . I wonder if any parallels can be drawn with a kid who has been with the custodial parent and wants asks to move in with the non. Not sure of any hard and fast rules but it could be the right thing for some kids, or it could be a situation which, as Claud mentions, is ripe for both parents (this would be sets of parents in an adoption situation) talking to each other and the young adult about what’s going on.

    The only caveat I have is that it’s the time to be breaking away from parents, period. Which, at the very least, makes me raise an eyebrow. But again, that’s just me.

    • Also very good points Loretta. Of course I look at this from the POV of a mom in a non reunion. I also look at it from the POV of someone who has welcomed strangers (foreign au pairs) into her home for many years. I saw/lived the struggles of integrating strangers in your home – without the adoption trauma aspect. It is not easy. Add trauma, unresolved issues, etc. Oooogie. I feels really challenging.

      • It’s funny you should mention the au pair aspect. For a long time I was on a list of APs seeking to locate the original parents of their children born in China and at least twice a year, someone would talk about how they accepted a foreign exchange student (usually female) from China and how unbelievably difficult it was for a) the hosts to get along with the student and b) the student to fit in. Usually the student didn’t mesh with the adoptee either. Really quite depressing.

        • I was likely the exception rather than the rule. I loved my aupairs and one of them, our first, is one of my best friends today. She is Austrian and flew to Chicago a few years ago to attend my wedding. Others, (my darling Swedish friend Ella) was back to visit us two years ago. They really became part of our family forever. BUT, I was a different kind of host parent. I appreciated them greatly, realized I was blessed to have them help me raise my sons, never took them for granted.

          We did have a few that did not work out but unlike some familes I dealt with that right away. I really enjoyed the program and believe in it (for the right type of family). I am sad my kids are too old now for us to host BUT I now volunteer with a student exchange program (AFSUSA).

  4. I read Claud’s post and commented. I don’t think I have enough experience in this matter to give a viable opinion. I too have heard stories of this happening, and can’t think of even one that worked out well. Usually because the adoptee was a teen or young adult, and I think didn’t know what they wanted, which made it hard for the bmother or bparents to provide.

    There was a point in my reunion when my son visited, then expressed interest in staying. But then it turned out that he wanted to leave his 9 month old daughter with us, while he went on about his life. I was torn, part of me wanted to save her, but then I realized that he had to keep her and raise her. That if he left her, he would be repeating what had happened to him, and that she would have the same issues. I had the feeling that he wouldn’t come back for her. So I said no. As it turned out, he raised her, and I think that was better for both of them.

    She is 18 now, almost 19, and pretty darned stable and focused, despite her tumultuous life. I have to believe I made the right decision.

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