Asked and Answered

Received via email from someone shy about commenting publicly:

 “Curious why you are going to school? Don’t you have a good job?”

Why yes, yes I do. Have a good job that is. I have very well paying job that I greatly enjoy. Five or so years ago I plotted a course for this job and I got it. As jobs go, it pays well, has good benefits and flex time.  My schooling has nothing to do with my career.

I became pregnant with my daughter literally weeks before I was supposed to begin my freshman year of college. I had plans to attend a rather crunchy granola college in New Hampshire.  Clearly things did not go as planned.  Contrary to what adoption myth states, that myth that says surrendering your child to adoption protects your future and ability to go to college, it did not work out that way for me.  Not entirely. It’s a long windy bump filled story but I never finished. I did get myself accepted to another school in IL and did attend but did not finish. It was hard for me. While I look back (and many of my friends who knew me then do as well) and see I did well reality is I could have done better.  I was supposed to do something different.  I wanted to do better, but for me, laden with adoption trauma and good and bad therapists and stops and starts and such, I could never get it fully together. Then I got married, then I had kids i was allowed to keep and parent, then well, life happened. No matter how good it looked to friends and family on the outside, on the inside, for me, to me, I have always been broken, lost, trying to piece back together pieces of myself that were lost due to adoption surrender.

I want back as much of what was lost as I can get.

I found my daughter in 2005.  I have been finding myself since then.  So, gradually, slowly, I have been completing that undergrad degree that I struggled to do so pre-reunion.  I switched up majors a few times and finally landed on Liberal Arts. I am digging it.  I have always loved learning, loved school and being a student.  While it is massively stressful for me, and it may take me till I am one of those 80 year old lady graduates we hear about, I will do it.

Just as I knew in my heart I would find my daughter, I know I will get back this part of my life as well. This time I do it for me and only me.

And that is kinda cool.



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