Easter Trolls

I sincerely hope this person wasn’t serious.  Sounds like a troll to me.

Text of private email sent to me from someone I don’t know.

“Wow. I read your blog.  It seems like you gave birth to the perfect adoptee. Beautiful, smart and no desire to know you or their history. The adoptive parents dream come true.  Too bad you did not have more kids and give them away.”

Seriously?

30 Thoughts.

  1. Cruel. Stupid. Juvenile.

    (Though some a-parents are clueless enough to feel that way, no doubt.)

    Don’t let the detractors get you down. Imagine what a twisted soul wrote that and hit the send button.

    • Oh, they dont. Not anymore. 10 plus years of adoption blogging, speaking, etc. I have seen worse, been told worse, etc. These days I say consider the source. Says more about the secret troll than it does about me.

  2. Hmmm…At first I was a little confused based on what I had read on FB and then I came here and saw this…I read it a couple of times and it brought to mind the conversation I had with my youngest over the summer when I put her out over some 18 year old “smelling” herself issues over college and basic disrespect and when she came back in the house (because I forgot to take the front door key), the comment came out of her mouth “well if you didn’t want me why didn’t you give me away like you did Brandon.” When that came out, it slapped me in the face because it dawned on me that neither of my girls and I have had the conversation as to the events that led to Brandon being placed. The fact that neither of them know their own grandfather told me to “f” myself when I called from FL to ask if I could come home, and I found myself in Chicago (the home of the birthfather) sleep in O’Hare Airport waiting for him to come get me for 3 days. Damn I need a therapist….:)

    • Thank you Carol. My b mother tried to guilt me for not attending her parents funerals and yet, as far as I was concerned according to my b mother, I was dirty little secret that they forced her to relinquished! They never reached out to me post reunion but somehow, I am the one who turned my back on my heritage??? Nice try.

      • One last thing. As an adoptee, it is very difficult to to read some of the b mother postings which suggest that adoptees hold a fear of insulting their a-parents by keeping in contact with their b mother. Well guess what! It is just as difficult for an adoptee to witness a b mother seek affirmation from, and stay loyal to the very people who caused their own kin to be torn daughters clutches. Their own parents.

        • I imagine it would be. As before the child was discarded by her mother, the mother was discarded by her family. Been there. Done that. Lived it. I have a strained relationship with my family to this day as they just don’t get it. (Well, one sort of does).

          Fortunately, for me, in my recovery I was able to see my parents in the larger landscape of their religions and the social structures they were raised within. Wrongly or rightly they did what society told them was “best” to do for me and for my daughter. I dont blame my parents for being ignorant and trusting of their church or the agency that told them my child was better off without me and I without her.

      • Friend – Does your mothers family know how to reach you? Do they know you are in reunion? Are you new in reunion?

        • Yes Suz, they knew how to contact me and never did.

          I am not new to reunion whatsoever. Another thing that I think is overlooked from the adoptees percpeption is the fact that usually an adoptee is faced with much more than just juggling a new relationship with their b mother upon reunion. Your b mother is going to be just one person out of a big cast of characters that you will need to juggle. Everyone else involved in the reunion only need to adapt to the adoptee’s new presence in their family. Adoptees have to deal with much more…jealous half bio siblings, alcoholic bio father and his jealous wife, grand parents who did not really care if you were found…etc etc etc.

          To some bio family members, a reunion represents a threat to their family standing and your mere existence is not appreciated whatsoever!

          Suz, I hope what I state next doesn’t offend you and I apologize ahead of time if it does.

          I feel that you are giving your parents a get out of jail for free card. Your statement that your parents were victims of the church and that they went with the flow of what was considered to be acceptable sounds eerily similar to the defence at the Nuremberg hearings. You can only blame society for so long.

          Truth be told, none of this ever really bothered me that much. However, what does bother me is when my b mother blogs about her opinions and speculations regarding my upbringing and not to mention her profound enjoyment of using my adoptive parents for target practice on her blog.

          In my case Suz, I know for a fact that the adoption agency did exactly as INSTRUCTED by my b mother’s father, which was to make the problem (me) go away and that’s exactly what they did. There was even misleading information stuffed into my adoption file to make it harder for a search.

          My point is that there was just as much demand for the services of an adoption agency by parents who wanted their daughters problems to go away as there were adoptive parents seeking to adopt.

          • NO offense whatsoever. I realize we all frame our views through the lens of our experience and what we want with our lives. You are framing my parents based on your views, your experience, what you need to justify and rationalize. I do the same. I dont believe my parents were evil rotten people that wanted to destroy my life or that of my daughter. I dont want to put them in any emotional jail therefore there is no need to give them a get out of jail free card. They were misguided. They know that – now. I dont want to live in a world where I carry anger and rage and resentment towards my parents on a daily basis. I dont do this for them – I do this for me and who I want to be as a person.

            Curious why if you have no desire for a relationship with them, have as you said “taken the same approach as my daughter” (whatever that means to you), what do you hope to gain by being in adoption blogs or circles? Seems contradictory, like you do still have some feeling or are trying to work something out.

          • To answer your question Suz, I would never suggest that my decision to not stay in contact with my bio fam hasn’t been a hard one. My conversations with my b mother always seem to centre around what happened to her and pointed attacks on those she deems responsible but with very no emphasis on the role her own parents played.

            Not everyone forced their daughters to give up their off spring.
            Not everyone burned crosses on the lawns of coloured people.

            My A parents did not come knocking on my b mother’s parents doorstep with the adoption lobby in tow demanding her child.

            My b mother’s father didn’t need any convincing from anyone, in fact he used the adoption card to achieve his goal but let’s forget about that and pretend that didn’t happen and attack the A parents?

            That’s why I am here.

      • still trying to find a “heritage” to fit into, being a bi-racial, adopted child and a birthmother, I think I’ve hit the trifecta, however I haven’t hit the jackpot in any of the three…don’t know where I fit in, only have a sliver of who my birth mother is and have no idea where my son is and how he is…where I have at one time searched for birthmother, my brother also adopted has no wish to know who his birthmother is, so we have nothing in coming and “family” not really existent..I have a bi-racial child who considers herself to be of one and doesn’t acknowledge the other, so …yeah…

    • Don’t know. Don’t really care that much. You cannot work in this area for the years I have and expect to go about unscathed. People have a funny way of getting very upset when you challenge the sacred cow that is the American Adoption Industry. The idea of challenging the dominant discourse, of suggesting another way to “save” a child from their own mother, their family of origin is often poorly received.

      As I mentioned on my Facebook, ten years ago comments like these achieved their likely goal. They slayed me. Brought me to tears, upset me, left me cowering in a dark room. Not true anymore largely due to the fact I consider the source. It says far more about the commentor/person than it does about me. Moreover, years ago it would bother me as part of me felt it was true, they were right.

      Not so anymore. They aren’t and they never were. Best to ignore them. Particularly the types that send from secret accounts, hide their IPS, leave odd names. They clearly don’t want to be heard they only want to hurt.

  3. Friend – Sounds very painful and like everyone wants to blame someone else and not take responsibility for their own emotions or actions. Tough to develop any sort of relationship when everyone is pointing fingers everywhere else. Very tough when two very real, valid, but opposing realities try to exist in the same space.

    • Thank you Suz for understanding. BTW, I also don’t hold a vulnerable 16 yr old girl (like you were) in the same light as my b mother who was a full blown adult for several years when she relinquished, and who was still living with and dependant on Mommy and Daddy, at an age that most adults have moved out.

      See how easy it is to pick people apart on a blog!? Not that difficult!

      So my b mother can go right ahead and continue to tow the b mother party line, as if she had been a 16 yr old victim which she was not. She can continue to suggest that I was stolen from her and she can continue to post unauthorized pictures of me on her blog. She can continue to pretend that she has no idea why I won’t communicate with her.

      Trust me ladies, you have a pseudo adoption industry victim amongst you who takes pleasure in insulting her child’s A parents on her blog.

      Just like you and your kids Suz, you want to f@@k with my parents? Then you are going to f@@k with me! I suppose in my b mothers eyes contact on any level is better, which is why I am on this blog.

      Or how about a posting pointing out that “but for” her own horrible parents, the adoption process wouldn’t have left her in a position to sit on her high horse and critique the people who picked up the pieces after her father ordered the adoption industry to break apart his own family.

      That more sick and twisted than anything my A parents ever did and trust me, they were not model parents.

      • By the way, it would be interesting to ask Carol if she believes that it was the influence of the church and/or Society that caused her father to tell her to go F herself, when she called her father for help, pregnant and stranded at a Chicago airport? Or maybe he was just an asshole.

          • How ironic. If my b mother didn’t run and operate a blog purely dedicated to personal attacks and name calling, we might of had a chance! So I guess it’s ok, just as long as you are towing the party line.

  4. Lastly, I already addressed why I chose your blog. The relevance of asking Carol what she believes would prove a point.

    That point would be that far from all bio families were “influenced” “mislead” “conned” by the adoption industry and that there were some families or family members who knew exactly what they were doing.

    I am sorry that I seemed to have offended you and I am finished saying my piece.

    Best of luck.

  5. Friend – You have not offended me but you appear to be at risk of offending others on my blog.

    As noted in my comment policy, I will not allow my blog to be a platform for attacking others – particularly first mothers and adoptees. We have been traumatized enough and I will not allow an internet stranger to come into my online “home” and call the adoptive parents of others “assholes” or other.

    Carol happens to be an adoptee and a birthmother and a life long friend of mine (we met while interred in the same maternity home). Yet, even with that position, she does not get special treatment – just respect that I feel she deserves. Same respect and treatment I would expect to be given to you here on my blog.

    I understand you are angry at your mother, working something out, trying to find a way to process the pain that adoption or adoption reunion has caused you. I merely ask that in doing that you dont project or transfer it onto me or others here on my blog. I am not your BM or your AM. I may be guilty of the same crime you feel your BM committed but please see me as an individual with a unique story and circumstance deserving of the same respect you want given to you. Not every mother wanted to abandon their child to strangers. Not every mother is happy their child is gone anymore than every adoptee is happy to be adopted.

  6. Ok I lied, I have a couple of more points to make before I disappear back to my drama free life.

    It irks me to witness the amount of b mother’s who claim that they were “abandonned” and left to the mercy of the adoption Industry. Someone needs to google websters dictionary and learn what the word “abandon” truly means!

    A child who is left at the hospital by it’s natural family who have no intentions of coming back to recover their own offspring, Has been indeed abandonned!

    A b mother who was given an ultimatum by her own parents to give up her own child because they will not help her or support her, has not been abandonned!!! Being given a choice and abandonment are 2 very different things!

    So I find it very offensive when I witness b mothers try to steal the abandonment thunder from their own children who were the real abandonees! Not you!

    And Suz, your answer to my comment about Nurenburg hearings is a par for course answer that I would expect to hear from a b mother.

    Ummmm no Suz, I haven’t moulded my perception to suite my needs to cope with my pain? What a bunch of physics babble to avoid answering my question honestly!

    Coming from a descendant of a holocaust victim, I would love to see you try to run your logic which you seem to be moulding to cope with your own pain. Speak for yourself, I don’t do it all the time. Project much?

    2 groups of people who did not very nice things. The Nazis and the parents of b mothers that forced their daughters to have their off-spring torn from their clutches. Both groups give the same defence…society made us do it!!!

    So that excuse is fine for your parents but not ok for the Nazi? So do you think we should hold hands with Nazi and feel sorry for them too? Trust me, you are all far more conflicted than I.

  7. Get yourself some help Friend. You need it. No wonder your mother blogs about you and wants nothing to do with you. Shame on you and your behavior on Suz blog. She is too tolerant. I am not.

  8. Echoing what Liz says: you need help Friend.
    Suz is indeed far too tolerant.
    To quote Jack: sell crazy someplace else,
    We’re all stocked up here.

  9. Alright…I’ve been reading but haven’t posted. Friend – I am an adopted adult that met/knew my birthmom (who was married with two kids when she had me, so she wasn’t a teen). While I actually agree with you on some points (I’ll explain further), the way you’re going about expressing your experiences isn’t helping your case. You can’t judge every birthmother or adoption experience by your own. Every situation is different and every person has a different perspective from their experience. You don’t have to agree, but you do have to be respectful.

    What I do understand you on is your abandonment blurb. I, too, have wondered about others in the adoption triad, other than the adoptee, using the word abandonment. I feel like my birthmother abandoned me – and she literally did. Her support system abandoned her, at the same time. I never acknowledged that to her though because she passed before I was able to really think of her as a person with experiences, thoughts and feelings. I have had abandonment issues for all of my life and have to work on them all the time, because it affects my relationships and attachments. Adoptees are ‘abandoned’, but that doesn’t mean we have ownership over the term and that no one else can use it, feel it or experience it.

    Friend – you are obviously very hurt and have a lot of anger about your experience. I get it. I’d really encourage you to reach out and get some professional help, if you haven’t already (if you have, perhaps you need more). If your birthmother is blogging about you, maybe there is some way you can take action against her, with a professional. I am sorry that your experiences haven’t been easy. Nothing about adoption seems to be easy. The common theme in adoption seems to be pain and hurt.

    That doesn’t give you the right to hurl comments at birthmoms or at Suz. I don’t know if you’ve taken the time to read Suz’s posts, but she is the most open, non-judgemental, compassionate, smart and sensitive person I know. She doesn’t drink any kool-aid.

    One last point on the above posts – LIZ, your comment, “No wonder your mother blogs about you and wants nothing to do with you,” is really mean and hurtful. It actually makes my stomach sick and I think it was completely uncalled for.

  10. Liz and Laura – Thank you for your support of me but it is not necessary. I believe strongly in the phrase “consider the source”. “Friend” is saying far more about herself/himself than they are about me.

  11. Friend – Your fake email, the word Friend and your Vancouver, BC, CA IP address have been put into my moderation queue. This means all future comments by you will be moderated before approval. I asked you to adhere to my comment policy and you seem to struggle to do so. As noted previously, you are not permitted to come to my blog and abuse others. Do that on your own blog.

    I sincerely hope you get some help dealing with your adoption trauma.

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