Found it slightly disturbing that readers of the last post felt the “she” I talked about was my daughter. Denise was confused and in discussing with my husband I learned he also thought I was referring to my daughter.   My response to my husband was “there are other she’s in my life besides my daughter, ya know?”  I was being a bit sarcastic, maybe even a bit bitchy, as the confusion irritated me.  Obviously, as stated, I was not talking about my daughter but rather a female friend with some rather strong views on humans who procreate.  Friend does not read here, not even sure if she is aware of this blog, but none the less I was intentionally vague and readers interpreted the she as my daughter.

Additionally, I was fearful (egads, how I hate that I get fearful, that I give her that power) once again I would have pissed off my daughter.  Silly, I know, for this entire blog, my existence on the planet, my position on adoption, pisses her off so one might easily think I am used to the risk and go about my merry ways.

Fact is, I am not and cannot.

I suppose, no, I know, I still hold onto a shred of hope that somehow, something I do, say, or am, will make a difference. Someday I will matter.  If I am a good little invisible birth mother, maybe someday I will get to meet her. Accepting that belief that I have some sort of power to influence positively (if I am a good little birth mother)  naturally suggests I have the power to influence negatively (like following on twitter, reading her blog, viewing her instagram photos, all very bad things according to her).

I sincerely despise that I have this paranoia, this hope, and these silly beliefs. I am working on them. I must however note that I was comforted to find that Susie understood my point. It was very validating.  Thank you Susie for sharing you also drank the perfection kool-aid and may have had some incorrect thoughts about your son, his abilities, etc as a result.

I have more to say on this perfection thread but for now, just a thank you to Susie.

8 Thoughts.

    • Clearly a poor writing job on my part. Def not my daughter. She writes about hair color, being queer, music, fashion and vegetables. I have no idea whatsoever what she thinks about procreation.

  1. I’ll add that you were very clear to me. I instantly wondered if it was your daughter and quickly realized it wasn’t. I’ve had that crazy sense that there must be something I could do to make things “work” for a good long time… If only ~ what?

    Each situation is a little different. I so relate to “…so one might easily think I am used to the risk and go about my merry ways.” My reality is mentally checking every action, every communication, against how my daughter is going to interpret it. All to no good end… even here. She’ll likely read this. How will she take it? I must go ahead and live my life.

  2. (((SUZ))) You were clearer in that post than you think, and some of us leapt to the wrong conclusion. I see this after reading it again. I never had to drink the perfection kool-aid because I was born and raised to believe I had to be perfect in everything! Not just bmom-hood. The obsession with perfection has caused me a lot of grief over the years. You’ll get there, with a little help from your friends. You’re wonderful just the way you are. XO

  3. You are welcome Suz. Right back at you with the thanks though. How validating and healing it is for me also to read that I am not alone in some of the weird, insane thoughts & feelings about our children lost to adoption.

    Isn’t it something that it’s decades later and we are still discovering just how deep the false beliefs go? At first that seemed so sad to me, it really pissed me off. I now know that what it really was is survival. Our conscious minds had to believe the myths in order to survive something so inhumane. How deeply we believed them shows just how inhumane it is to think that a mother can just give her child up and be expected to go on without him/her.

    Not sure how much sense that all makes ~ I’m just home from a fabulous three days away with four of the best girlfriends a gal could have. After over-indulging at delicious restaurants, lots of margaritas and Captains, as well as shopping and driving home in 102 degree weather, my brain is rather fried!

  4. Sometimes I read my blogs quickly with my coffee in the morning. This time however, perhaps because of the topic/title, I read it carefully and caught on that this wasn’t about you know who… just wanted to let you know again that I love your writing style and usually understand the point(s) you are making.
    Suz, You are so authentic and totally lacking in guile of any kind; and I think that’s why so many of us respect your work.

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