On Sharing Adoption Trauma, Stephen captures it.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” – Stephen King

5 Thoughts.

  1. True, that. The telling of the story diminishes it. I cringe whenever most people ask about “MY STORY”, how does one accurately describe the thousands of days, events,conversations, physical acts, emotional feelings, coincidences, choices made by oneself, and choices made by others that effect you that one has no control over, that leads to an event so traumatic that it scars you for life in ways you never imagined, and have the telling of it provide the listener with the same experience you yourself have experienced? Each story is so deeply personal and intricately woven into the very core of who we are when it comes to adoption.

    I am leery of people who asks for my adoption story, the telling of it has resulted in harsh judgement or dismissal or some other unpleasant result more often than not, and always changes the relationship with the listener, ususlly not for the better.

    I have found some acceptance within the adoption community, and that has been a blessing. Many understand why I don’t want to share the “gory details” of my story, but there are some who insist they want the “whole” story. Then when you open up to them and share it, they turn up their pretty little noses and walk away from you, judgingly.

    These days I keep my story for me, it is too precious a piece of who I am to share. I feel the need to honor and deeply respect that tender spot that has shaped so much of the ME I am today, and to those who can not accept or respect my need to do this I say, just go on.

    • LIz – I flip flop on the idea of sharing my entire story ALOT. If it did not involve my daughter and her father (and his actions), I likely would. I find it hard to share mine without stepping treacherously into theirs. I am really okay with the world knowing the entire story – for – for me – it serves a greater good not only for me but for the world at large (how NOT to do an adoption) yet there they are, her father, her, floating out in my life not caring about me but me caring about them. Hence the flip flopping.

      For years I have struggled with a way to tell MY story without telling theirs and having it make sense, have any real meaning for we are woven together.

      Above it at all, at all times, for someone to listen, to really listen, without judgement, is a salve for the soul that can not be bought. And as you said, telling my story, lessens the pain of it.


  2. I think the telling also allows people to break the story down into piece-parts of their design so they can manipulate it to their ends. That, of course, is rampant in adoptionland.

    Very wise words here. Thank you for sharing them, Suz. Hugs and smooches to you!!

  3. Suz, I flip flop too. In my life, I have always believed in standing up in the truth of who I am, and I still believe that. But I am weary, weary of people who turn my truth around to suit thier purpose and use my truth as a tool to injure me. I realize that this behavior, belongs to the person behaving that way,they are responsible.

    I feel bone-weary these days, I feel shredded and torn from my base. I feel the need to hide away and mend my soul without interference, yet I also feel the need to have witnesses to my life.

    It is hard to take a thread of a story that is woven so delicately, and completely in others lives, and share just that thread that is yours without unraveling the pieces that belong to the others. I find your integrity to tell your story without telling the other’s story, compelling and admirable. This is one of the reasons I enjoy reading here so much.

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