I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. – Frederick Douglas
Many thanks to all of you that offered your wonderful stories of reunion. I havent heard from my friend in a few days. I have no idea if she has read them but if she writes me again I can point her here.
Also many thanks to Unsigned Masterpiece for bringing the thread back to my friend and her circumstances. I also thank you for pointing out that these are the experiences of others and should be used as a guide, or reference, and not verbatim, as some sort of instruction booklet you should follow.Â How one adoptee treats their mother in reunion does not mean all adoptees will treat their mothers that way.Â Same is true for mothers.
I fell into this trap myself a few years back. I entered the blogosphere hoping to connect with other adoptees with the hope that they would give me some insight, some clue, to what my daughter was thinking.Â I was desperate for an answer, an elixir, a magic fairy dust that would make my reunion easier, perhaps make my daughter interested in meeting me. Maybe if I said X versus Y, it might make a difference. Maybe if I followed the path that Mom 1 and Adoptee 1 did, I might be successful.
I came to regret this.
While there are common threads between what adoptees (and mothers) feel or experience, to assume they are all alike is to fall into a massive industry trap. After reading a rant by an adoptee blogger I used to read, I came to realize I was insulting my daughter by assuming she might be like Mary in Minnesota or Carrie in the Carolinas. By picking the brain of Nancy in Nebraska, I was swapping one adoptee for my daughter much like her adoptive parents swapped the child they could not conceive with mine. I took away my daughters identity today just like the adoption machine did to her at three days old.
I was horrified.Â I don’t want my daughter to be like Nancy, Carrie, or Mary. I want my daughter to be her own unique self.Â She is not interchangeable. She is a beautiful individual, completely her own, all her good and bad qualities.Â As am I. The best way to learn about my daughter is from her and her alone.
To think that an adoptee on the West Coast is like your child on the East Coast is to, imo, is to drink the adoption koolaid.Â Adoptees, our children, are not interchangeable. They are not all the same. The adoption industry thrives on this misconception.Â My baby is just as good as your baby. They are empty slates. All the same.Â Interchangeable. Dont like the one you got? Send it back. Exchange it for another. Put it on a plane to Russia and get another one.Â Don’t like the mother you found in reunion? Lucky for you that you have an adoptive mother that can take the place.
It’s all bullshit.Â At least to me.
So, yeah, my friend, take what you find here with a grain of salt.Â Read it, perhaps find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, but know that in the end, you and your son dictate where your relationships goes.
And I hope it goes well.