Sometimes I Hate Facebook

Jenna posted about a Facebook meme that triggered her. Read her post here. I winced for her when I read that post. I have those moments.

In fact, I had one of those moments tonight. Just a minutes ago.

A high school friend had this message as her status:

“Daughter Week !!! ♥ If you have one Daughter or more, who makes your life interesting and fun, Is a blessing in your life and makes life worth living, copy and paste this to your status. ♥ The world would not be the same without our beautiful GIRLS!!! I LOVE MY DAUGHTERS!!”


I winced again. This time for myself.


I hide my adoption status, my scarlet letter, parts of myself from Facebook.  I am not proud of this but I am not necessarily ashamed either. It is just that I want somewhere, anywhere, that I don’t have to think all adoption all the time.  Many of my Facebook friends are readers here and even friends there. And yet I steer clear of adoption there. It is my private play ground. A place for silly statuses, photos, dialogue with friends. It is me without the horror of adoption. It is me not weeping daily over the loss of my daughter, over her lack of interest in me and her first family, it is me, being, well, happy.

Tonight? Me? Not so happy about Facebook and its random triggers. (Remember THIS one? I was able to correct that).


8 Thoughts.

  1. My brain has been on “first mom” overdrive all day because of that stupid “first child” facebook post.

    I get on FB to have fun, be silly with my school friends. Then I get hit with a huge adoption slap. Adoption sucks.


  2. ugh! You took the thoughts right outta my head!

    Why is Facebook so loaded? I can’t stand it, daughter week, son week, first born week, post the dates and weights of all your babies in your status…

    Not to mention, list your families, so that you have them all linked, under your spouse or significant other. This wreaked havoc for me as an adoptee and as a first mom. Do I put some of my kids up? And leave the one I lost off? Even though he is my friend on face book? How left out is that going to make him feel? How would it make him feel if I tried to add him as my son? I don’t have any kids listed… I tell myself this doesn’t matter. ugh.
    Do I say my mother is my mother? Oh no, she wouldn’t like that a bit, plus we are not friends.
    I wonder sometimes why I need facebook?

    • MybirthnameisAllison – My personal belief on why we “need” things like this blog, facebook, etc. is for a sense of what Judith Herman (Trauma and Recovery) refers to as “commonality”

      “Commonality- The restoration of social bonds begins with the discovery that one is not alone and that others have experienced similar events and can understand them. Participation in a group may provide a sense of “universality.”

      Those of us that have acknowledged the damage done to us by adoption need to know we are not alone, that we are loved and cared for and understood.

      Just my two sense. (More on this in Judith Herman’s book titled “Trauma and Recovery”)

  3. Just wanted to update you on what this FB post has done for me! Because of it, I decided that today was the day I was going to come out of the adoption closet! I’m tired of feeling like I’m living two lives, one that’s hidden to most people in my life. I want to post things on FB without worrying about the people in my life that still don’t know about my first-born son. I told everyone I work with today! I have never in my life told as many people about C as I have told today 😀

    Thanks Suz for the part you have played in my life, helping me sort through this life as a first mom!


  4. Wow. Susie. Congrats. You go girl. You are stronger than me. I am still in a place where I just dont feel strong enough to explain to more people, etc. Not to mention my mother is on my facebook, my family, and outing myself is outing them and their part too. I guess I still have work to do. For now, I hide.

    It is rather funny really. This blog is wide open to the Net and I am here. My facebook is private and I am not entire open. Odd kind of blend but then again I am an odd kinda gal!

  5. You are funny Suz! You put it ALL out there, here in the wide open internet, and you think I am strong because I’m telling the people in real life?

    I’m only able to be a bit strong because I am so fortunate in my reunion story (so far!). My son does seem to want to be a part of my life, wants me to be a part of his. I’m hoping that once he sees that I am not “hiding” this part of my life from anyone, he will view me as “safe” to allow fully into his life, not just emails and FB. Does this make any sense? It does in my head ~ I cannot find the words like you can!

    By the way ~ I’m glad you are an odd kinda gal!

  6. It is so good to find other people who feel/act the same way I do. I know of course that I’m not the only one who feels that way, but it is comforting to see the same words I have said in my head, actually being said. I actually have 2 separate FB accounts: one for my friends who know about my adoption & one for those who I don’t want to share with. How ridiculous is that really? I am like you as I don’t want everyone to know; I’m not ashamed but just want one place where I don’t have to field question or deal with adoption. The adoptive mom of my son actually “Friend requested” me once & it sent me into a whirlwind for like a month. Part of me wanted to accept just so I could get updates & pictures of my son, the other part was like “Why”? We aren’t friends in real life, why act like we are in the fake world of Facebook? {SIGH} Hasn’t someone written a handbook for us birthmoms as to what we are suppose to do in situations like that?

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